Today I started that show high fidelity.
I am getting ahead of myself.
Hello. Welcome back. Nice to see you again. Let’s dive in.
I started this show. Based off the movie and I am in heaven. True heaven. This show is everything I want to be in another life. Living in a city and being obnoxious trying to figure out what my life is. And liking fly as fly.
Sad part about this show? One of the guys looks like Santi. It’s the beard. It’s always the beard. And the face shape.
I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Like everyday for the past two weeks that I have been overwhelmed. But let’s me real I think about him all the time. He was the first guy to ever make me come home. He rocked my world with a snap of his finger. So many snaps actually.
You just never forget that. But he was too... too much of everything that wasn’t me. I knew instantly we would never be anything to each other. Ever. But I played along like old Courbyne used to and I fell into it. I tried to make cake out corn husks and it didn’t work. With every kiss, hug, caress, this thought flooded over me so silently that just said, “this doesn’t feel right..”
Everything felt fine. But not right. Not like it fit. And afte that moment, I ended it and gave up. I look at love and romance and I wince. I get sick and mad. I dot. Even check guys out anymore because I am weary as Naomi says. And frankly I want my next to be my last.
But I am getting of track.
Honestly don’t know why I am writing this. I didn’t have a spark in the dark. I just had a brain that would not quit.
I want to live in a city. But not Phoenix. I want to move away. Not away from my family but to a place that feels like me. Like my place. I want to walk streets with friends and feel electric with adventure. I want to bar hop at dingy old bars with stories. I want to frequent diners and smoothie bars. I want to eat vegan food and walk around with no bra on and no care in the world. I want to drive to the beach and just chill. Feel at ease. I am not an introvert. I am not a small town gal. I want the city. I want the danger and the spontaneity. I want to walk down a random street to a food cart that is a hidden gem. I want to fall in love wit a city and writ y name on its streets. I want to hear it story I want to hear it sing.
Phoenix is a city no one wants to go to. A small blimp in the town tryi to create a culture it barely has. I want to go the epicenter of where it all started. That is what I want. Next time I go to Cali I am bringing Justin. I am itching for a break out. From the pandemic. From the racicial injustice from the hate. I just want a break from being black. I just want to be me. I am black but I am also me. I wish that was enough in this world but it isn’t.
Why do I want these things? Who am I? Who wants to be free?
