I need to put this out there. First and foremost, praise God and hallelujah to His name. Jesus saved me from what I'm about to talk about. And I need to share it.
I dont want to go into major detail, but I do want to make it clear that I understand the struggle. I used to have an eating disorder among a few other mental illnesses. Anxiety, bipolar, depression, stories for another time. But the worst one was the ed. Which I had named Bella.
Bella was and is a demon. One that I let latch onto me because the things she whispered in my ear seemed better than everything around me. From around the age of 10 or so, Bella started her mission to make me hurt myself. She told me many of the lies anyone with an ed probably have heard in their ears. When I turned 15, I started listening to her. I knew eds were a thing, but I didn't understand it. I knew it was bad, but I didn't care. I just knew it would make me smaller. And that's all I cared about was being smaller. Because my guilt, self hate, and pain were too big for anything else to be there. I went through the ropes, a lot of what was common, I did at one point or another in the span of 6 years. I was anorexic, bulimic, a binge eater, and a self pain inflicter. I surfed the web for any inspo or sites with others in the same pain I was in. I kept more secrets than my mind could keep track of. I lost myself and my love for just about everything in my life. But that was what Bella wanted. To steal the love in my life because Jesus is love and demons dont like Jesus or love. I spent my days in constant fear, stress, and anguish, some days in delusion that I was happy when I didn't eat. But realistically, I was still miserable bc I knew I'd have to eat again or I still wasnt happy with where I was. I always was hungry for something more and not food, but love. And that was too close to hell. The bible says
2 Thessalonians 1,9 "They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might".
In those 6 years I was without the Lord, without love, and in endless suffering. But it did end bc I put my faith in God.
It started when I met my husband. He brought love back into my life where others couldn't. He taught me I am beautiful even with a little weight bc my physical body isn't what makes me beautiful. My heart is.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
Yes, you should take care of your body bc God blessed you with it. But don't worship or idolize it. And yes, you are doing that when your constant thought through the day is about your body and what you put in it or what you take out of it. My husband taught me what matters and showed me the path back to the Lord. I stopped stressing about all those stupid numbers that crowded my head day in and day out, even in my sleep. I stopped being scared to eat even a little apple. I stopped hurting my body and my mind. I stopped listening to Bella, who, yes, I still hear to this day, and I know at some point I wont hear her anymore. Bc she still wants to take my love away. Not anymore, I say. I may hear her, but i dont listen. I ignore it, and I listen instead to the Holy Spirit, who loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.
Bc that's all we want, right? That's why we strive for the endless goal we never seemed to reach. To be loved and cherished and held in care and seen as beautiful. Jesus loves us, He loves you. And He sees you as beautiful as you were meant to be. But you have to say no the the demon in your head telling you all those lies.
The clothes don't matter.
The hateful comments don't matter.
The pain and suffering can end.
I know all too well a pain that makes your heart feel as a black hole devouring you inside out. But the love Jesus can put in your life can take that away. That love will heal you. But you need to choose that love. You need to stop wanting to be smaller. Bc smaller doesn't matter. You are not helpless or stuck. You can get better and be happy through Jesus.
I praise God again and every day for saving me. And I know and believe He can save you too.
If you want to choose a better path where love is, I found this site with some great verses and poems that tell the truth and not lies. Its not my site, I just found it.
https://milknhoneymagazine.com/eating-disorder-resources-bible-verses-poetry
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