Kaledo Art
wallacepolsom
Xuebing Du
$LAYYYTER
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
hello vonnie
Sade Olutola
Andulka
shark vs the universe
occasionally subtle
trying on a metaphor
Show & Tell
we're not kids anymore.
Kiana Khansmith
blake kathryn
No title available
oozey mess
@theartofmadeline
almost home
Janaina Medeiros
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Nigeria
seen from United States
seen from South Africa
seen from Bangladesh
seen from Germany
seen from Austria
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Indonesia
seen from United States
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@craigostrander
A Brief Exchange with the Candy Co.
The original email:
"Hi. I just watched your movie and was wondering how I can come see your factory? It looks amazing! Do you really employ Oompa Loompas? Were you able to fix the ceiling after the elevator blew through it? I'm excitedly awaiting your reply! -Craig"
Canceling the public tours probably had less to do with quality issues and more to do with Slugworth bribing children to steal from them. Damn you, Slugworth!
A Brief Exchange with the Jewelry Co.
The original email:
"Hi. I somewhat recently sent you guys a bag full of gold coins. The coins were made of chocolate, but had the gold foil wrappers which I'm sure had some value. I haven't heard anything back regarding their potential worth and would now like them returned. How do we go about this? I have a guy at my local pawn shop that might be interested and I don't want to keep Brutus waiting. I kind of owe him some money and I'm gonna try to use the coins to buy some time. I appreciate your understanding and prompt response. -Craig"
Now, a bit of backstory on this one. This email was sent a couple of months after I requested a return pack from Cash4Gold, which I filled up with chocolate gold coins and sent back. I never heard anything from them afterwards until I emailed them about 9 months later requesting they return my candy. The next day, I get this. A few things about their response:
1) The date they claimed they received my package is a month from now.
2) I never included any kind of order number, tracking number, or any other order specific information that would identify my candygram.
3) They assured me they're preparing my items to be returned to me. The chocolate. The chocolate I sent them last summer.
I'll update when/if I get my bag of melted goop back.
A Brief Exchange with the Juice Co.
The original email:
"Hi. I understand that Coca-Cola makes Hi-C, and I had a question about a flavor. Do you where I would be able to obtain any quantity of Ecto Cooler? I haven't seen it in at least a couple of years and was wondering if it was still available? I found an old can of it in my moms pantry. I don't know if I should drink it or not because I can't find an expiration date. I recently saw a commercial for it on YouTube and am anxious to hear back. Thank you very much. -Craig"
Farewell, childhood. I'll remember you fondly.
A Brief Exchange with the Toy Co.
The original email:
"Hello. I am writing because I am interested in purchasing one of your Power Wheels vehicles. I am currently in the market for a second vehicle, something a little sportier than my current car. I consider myself environmentally conscious and applaud your commitment to electric vehicles. Where can I visit a showroom? I see that I can order online, but I'd like to feel them out first. I do a lot of traveling and am curious if these vehicles are compatible with current charge stations? How many miles can I get from a single charge? I did not see an options page on your website. Is it possible to get leather seats? My other car is falling into a state of disrepair, so the Power Wheels will eventually become my daily driver. (I commute to work). Is your warranty bumper-to-bumper? I appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions. This is a large purchase for me, so I am trying to get as much information as I can. I look forward to hearing from you. --Craig Ostrander"
Toys R Us: The biggest no-pressure dealership in the country!
A Brief Exchange with the Beer Co.
The original email:
"Hi! I had a question about your brewing process. I find that whenever I buy a case of Coors Light beer, I can only drink 10 or 11 of them before I start feeling kind of sick and my girlfriend makes me go lay down. I usually can’t drink the whole case. I did once or twice, but I woke up in the yard. Do you think this has something to do with your cold brewing process? I love your beer, but my girlfriend said if I keep drinking it all the time, I’m gonna have to move out into the garage. I don’t know what one has to do with the other, but any information on what the issue may be would be appreciated. Thank you. —Craig Ostrander"
If Coors does one thing well, it’s accusing you of being an alcoholic with the subtlety of a drunk moose going through your underwear drawer.
A Brief Exchange With the Soap Co. The original email: "Hello! I am writing in regards to your Old Spice Classic body wash. I've been using this particular body wash for years (it's a very good body wash), and was wondering if it contained cinnamon? The aroma it produces smells like it does, but it doesn't taste like cinnamon. It actually tastes rather horrible. Any information would be appreciated. Thanks for your time. --Craig Ostrander" It's worth noting that they responded within 10 minutes or so. I guess the thought of a fully grown man drinking body wash in the shower was alarming enough to get a priority response. Thanks Debbie!
American Kitchen: The Final Sequence Here's how this works. It's a combination of a talent show and a mad scientist's experiment. A bunch of contestants with questionable talent compete on stage before a panel of judges who used to do bigger and better things, but are now checking the return slots of pay phones for quarters, just like the rest of us. They tell their stories, sing their songs, and take their bows. This all probably sounds familiar. But now the winners move on to round two. Round two is an empty broom closet with a guy in a lab coat holding a stapler and some thread. The "winners" are permanently attached from end to end quicker than Paula Abdul can slam down a pint of morphine. Now while all this has been going on, a group of unemployed chefs have been cooking up their dream meals made only with ingredients found in the pantry at Chuck E Cheese that's been closed down since 1998. No one wins this contest because no one can actually stomach the food served by a seven foot tall mouse in basketball shorts. The meals are combined into a troff and the troff is placed back on the stage in front of the panel of judges, who have also been sewn lips to lips. The twist is that now the contestants as well as the judges have to eat from the troff. Now it's basically just an endurance test. Which team will be able to stomach more shit? Find out on a brand new episode, this Tuesday on Fox! There's a metaphor somewhere around here.
Tumblr seems like the wrong name for this. I've been setting this up for almost an hour and it hasn't fallen over once.