So, I'm here. Feeling uncomfortable. Not wanting to say anything cause I feel vulnerable and stupid. But I feel that lonely, like no one I could talk to about this cause I'm terrible at friendships and I tend to push people away rather than grow them to the point where I feel support in times like this. It's that burden feeling, and I'm sure if anyone that knows me that sees this would be like 'you should have just come to me, I'm here bro' yeeah not that easy. You all have lives and the last thing I want to do is talk about my dumb bullshit. But Joyce encouraged me once that u should write shit, so here it is. And before anyone thinks I'm in a dark place, I'm not. I know God has a purpose for me and has a mighty plan for my life. Anywho... So, I broke up with my girlfriend after a year and a couple months. She's amazing, honestly made me into the best me I've been in a while. Through all the tough times with my baby mama(before the healing) and all the shit I had done. She still had my back. She held me down. And I did too, she kept me grounded and on track. You're probably wondering, she sounds perfect? Why the hell would you break up with her? I thought that too. It all happened after voicing some things I wanted for the future of our relationship, where at the time she was not ready/not at the level I wanted. Seeing this as a 'If we can't get past this now, what else can't we get past down the track' moment, I bowed out. But it wasn't until it was over that I truly realized how I felt and why it was more that just a relationship hiccup. Myself and Ysee's mum, we had a very difficult end to our relationship, and mania was there to help me through it. And we got into a relationship not too long after. Unknowing to me, there was a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual damage that I had not dealt with. But the joy that mania brought me was so strong, it overpowered the pain, hurt, and the deeper issues I had. And that's what I've come to realize. I honestly feel that God put this on my heart, so that when we weren't together, I had more clarity on the situation. And I do. Realizing that I had these feelings deep inside, not even realizing how it has changed my character, my demeanor, how I interacted with people, which meant how others perceived me, wasn't at all positive to who I was and it wasn't something I wanted to output into my relationship with my partner, as well as my friends and family. Even hearing from one of my leaders and brothers I look up to, pretty much saying how I act puts people off and it annoys others. I respected his honesty, but damn. Imagine thinking that people just, put up with you? Then you start to doubt these 'friendships' with people you're used to being around. And when dance finished, there wasn't anymore contact or effort from their end, which made me question my value. But like I said, I'm not taking it away from myself I'm a shitty friend. So here I am. No girlfriend. No friends. Sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Alone. But then... God moment. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the lord". I don't even know what the verse is, all I know is that's what he spoke to me. To give it all to him and lean not on my own understanding. Clarity. All of these things he has available to me and wants me to have. Realizing that I needed to break down the negative walls and boundaries the devil had built up inside of me, the things that were going to affect mine and mania's relationship, He wanted me to find healing through him so I could be who he wanted me to be, who I ultimately was supposed to be. And who I could be for others. Through him all of this is possible. My heart was heavy but now he has lifted that weight. He's honestly the man. Haha. I don't know where I'm going with this, it's not like I had a conclusion or anything. But I want to say, Mania, if you see this.. Thank you for being an amazing partner to me. Thank you for being such a blessing to Ysee, and loving her so much. I'm sorry for the way I Handled it all, I didn't know what I was doing. But now I know the personal growth I need to do. And I really hope you understand and can support me, wether it be near or from afar. I respect your wishes. You always have a place in my heart. And if you choose to move on, I'll respect that too. You deserve the world. You know that already. But yeah, I feel better now that's out. If you got through it all, you're actual buzzy. Props to you. What a dramatic guy aye. Flip. God is the man, if you don't know who he is, just know that no matter how down you feel or alone you think you are, his love is unconditional. That's all. Peace and love. God bless. - Azza
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