tw: sexual assault, alcoholism, suicide, mention of rape.
At the time, I felt guilty for leaving my abuser because he was my first real love and best friend, I felt guilty if I didn’t make sure if they were okay because I broke their heart. I felt guilty because I didn’t want people to think of him any differently especially when he was so heartbroken.
The same year my Mother went to rehab for the first time for drinking was the same year he started his behavior when he drank. It started with mocking my Mum’s alcoholism when he was drunk, to pushing me around when he was drunk when he found out someone had forced their hands up my skirt at a party. Eventually I was pushing him off me as he tried unclothing me and was forcibly kissing my naked body. He was so drunk and didn’t take no for an answer. Now I just feel guilty for me. For not publicizing his behavior earlier, because it’s now been 5 years and he still hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. 5 years later and I am still here riding this fucking emotional roller coaster. 5 years later and I’m still the one having to defend myself because he couldn’t take responsibility for his actions and instead it was easier for him to say I had been unfaithful.
I ended my relationship with him the morning after I woke up to him on top of me. He refused to believe it was over but I couldn’t do it anymore. His behavior was escalating and I wasn’t sure what was going to be next if I didn’t leave now. My relationship with my Mother was simultaneously breaking down over alcohol abuse, and I was now battling the same war at home with my supposed love.
I never cheated on Jarrod. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I left Jarrod in November, and in December I slept with someone. God it felt good. I felt so empowered. I left a tainted relationship and had casual sex for the first time no strings attached after not wanting to have sex with someone who was driving me further and further away. I felt so in control of my life and my choices. Next thing I know I was losing friends one by one which even until somewhat recently had always baffled me. I brushed it off as “I suppose I met them through Jarrod.” But why would they want to support someone who did that to a woman? One of those mutual friends was also a new Mum at the time so it confused me even more for some reason why someone who was beginning to raise a child would want to support sexual assault? Or was it because he hasn’t told them why we broke up?
Months went by and I started to come to terms with having lost a lot of friendships over prioritizing my emotional well being. I was still trying to understand what had happened between Jarrod and I and if I had overreacted. Should I have stayed? Did I not communicate clearly enough at the time? But the more I thought about these questions the more I had this anger kind of build up inside me because no one was there to answer them and I just felt the betrayal all over again. After a while I thought the solution to this anger would be to reach out to him - meet up, talk, try and get some closure. For both of us. At the end of the day, I never wanted anyone to think differently about him. The way I saw it, it wasn’t an issue that needed to be publicly addressed, it was a “Trixi and Jarrod” issue. We met up, we cried, we caught up on each other’s lives. It was all very bittersweet because I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing by meeting up with him, but it also felt so nice to kind of see him as the person he was before we had met. Just a nice, easy to talk to individual. I really missed that. I asked him what he had told his friends about why our relationship ended. He said “I told them.” That’s all he said, but the way he said it and physically expressed it clearly indicated to me that he had admitted what he had done. We kept in touch - I would send him photos of Charlie, see how he had been. We honestly had gotten to such a good place in our friendship. I even went down to Melbourne the end of that year for my birthday to see some friends and caught up with him. He looked so happy and it really appeared to me as though he had changed. My friendship with Jarrod at this time, and what appeared to be his maturity about our situation, was really helping me heal from the things that had happened in the last year of our relationship. I was getting closure.
One day, a friend reaches out to me who was in Melbourne and says “Hey, so I think Jarrod has been saying to everyone that you cheated on him. That you made up your assault claim.”. This wasn’t the first time I had heard this - up to this point, I brushed it off as a rumor, because I knew he wouldn’t do that - I had spoken to him in person about it, and he told me himself he has admitted to his behavior. But this time it had come from such a direct source that I just broke down. All our hard work. All my healing. I was absolutely livid. I could not stop crying. I sent him a message and he called immediately and acted completely taken aback by this claim. “Who said that? Why would they say that? Why would they say that when I never said that!” He was furious, but also so upset. I ended up getting totally gas-lighted. I felt like the biggest fool in the world, I was absolutely mortified. “Jarrod I’m so sorry I should have called you myself before messaging you and assuming these things about you without knowing for sure. It’s been so long and I didn’t mean to bring it up again, I’m so sorry.” I called my best friend right away and explained to her what happened. I told her I felt so dumb and immature for jumping down his throat straight away. But the thing is, this isn’t the first time this has happened. I’ve had a friend of an at-the-time new boyfriend threaten me “If I ever do to (name) what I did to Jarrod and make up a false sexual assault claim.” I’ve had girlfriends tell me about dudes they’ve been with and they mention me and the guy (who I have never met) says “Oh, yeah I’ve heard she’s a psycho. She the one who was with Jarrod?”. I’ve kind of just accepted that I know the truth behind what happened and I don’t need to prove it to anyone that I don’t know.
I was completely sober the night Jarrod took it to the next level. My closest friends know because they’ve been there through it all. Those who believe I would ever lie about something like this obviously don’t know me for who I am. I’ve lived through instances of marital rape in my family, of close friends and their survivor stories, of being the legal guardian for my 16 year old sister who “isn’t leaving the house without long pants on” because she was afraid she would get cat called, of friends and family members being sexually assaulted in the SW industry. I feel sick to my stomach as a female, an older sister, a friend, a HUMAN BEING - sick to my absolute core to know that I am being accused of lying about something like this. You think I didn’t go through the physical and emotional pain of a break up after I asked him to leave? I cried so hard I dry heaved, I could’t eat, I couldn’t sleep without crying myself to sleep, I had planned suicide attempts, I constantly had to have my sister with me because the second I was alone it would all wash over me again. I didn’t end my relationship because I wanted an easy way out. It was becoming a messy relationship but after 3 years together that does bound to happen. I didn’t want my relationship with this person to end but I felt I had no choice.
I certainly hope I never need to go into this much detail again about my past with Jarrod but I felt after recent events I had owed it to myself to finally get closure. I never personally saw the point in making a post like this because I suppose during my last interaction with Jarrod I was entirely convinced I was in the wrong and that his cheating claims were false. But unfortunately, recent events have left me no choice. I can not sit back and give him any more chances, for he simply has not taken any responsibility for his behavior with me and if I don’t speak up about this publicly, he will simply continue to make me look like an awful, unfaithful person. He could also continue this behavior toward further women and I won’t have that.
A friend recently made a post on another forum about the duty of care that comes with knowing someone is an abuser and the associated responsibility of publicizing that information to protect others. I contacted this friend and spoke to them about my relationship with Jarrod but sort of in a blasé way because I genuinely thought the knew about what happened. And that’s when they told me - again - for about the idontknowhowmany-th time in my life - that Jarrod had always told them that the end of our relationship was due to me cheating. I kind of sat with this knowledge for a couple of days. I was going to take some time before I decide what to do with it. But on Sunday, after having a panic attack while driving down a 6-lane freeway over this, I thought “That’s it, enough is enough.”
It’s not easy to go into this much detail about something so personal, something that has cost a lot of time, tears and close calls to try and move past. This is not just for the drunken incidents Jarrod - but for the emotional torture of dragging my name through the mud when I was the victim. And for all the women you will never do this to again.
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