The Life of Leenie :)

United Percussion 2016. East Coast Percussion 2015. Raiders DBC 2014. University of Delaware. Vegan.

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Dear me,

Sometimes coincidences are just coincidences. Not everything is a sign from the universe.

Signs are only signs when you’re looking for them.

Please stop making something out of nothing.

You hurt yourself too much.

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Honestly I think I’m fucking insane

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I feel so stupid

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Update: I am crazy and I hate myself

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for the record:

If this is foreshadowing and this thing goes around again

And I end up in the same place as before

I have no one to blame but myself

Literally my dumb ass has seen all of this and done all of this before

If my stupid ass goes and gets hurt again I deserve no pity

But damn this is tempting

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YIKES here we go again???????????

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I have the feeling that I made a poor first impression with a group of people I should not have

It’s fine

I’ll just prove myself over time

As per usual I guess

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What is the point of me showing up to class and sitting in the back and zoning out every 30 seconds

It’s not even like I’m thinking anymore, I’m just spacing out

Like sometimes there are distant thoughts happening but more frequently than previously, it’s just a cloud

Actually that’s a pretty appropriate way to explain most of it

A cloud

I sit in class and sit in a cloud

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I tried to redownload tinder a while ago but it wouldn’t open (it just kept crashing) so I deleted it

Well I got bored tonight and tried to redownload it again and IT WORKED

LET THE MISADVENTURES BEGIN AGAIN

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Me: tonight is going to be a good night!

Me: maybe tonight won’t be so great after all

Me: tonight is going to be nice!

Me: I am crying, tonight is bad

The chronicles: the progression of an evening

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Yeah, it does bother me that you left

It does bother me that you walked out of my life when I needed you most

You knew my life was starting to fall apart and you knew I was already stressed about several things and you still disappeared

You left after I helped you every fucking time you needed help I stayed up talking to you every night that you needed it

I talked you through everything and tried to help you pick up your pieces

And when I fell apart you left

You got distracted by your own stressors and you forgot about me and you left

You left me and I lost another thing when I was already losing a lot

Why would you just fucking leave

Why would you only try to reconnect by trying to catch me up on all the stressors in your life

You fucking saw me

You fucking saw me, how did you not know when I answered the door

How did you not fucking know when I answered the door and my face was puffy red and my eyes ice blue because I just fucking lost my shit again and scared myself

How did you not notice

How did you not notice how off I was

I can’t believe you didn’t fucking notice

I thought you cared

I thought you fucking cared

I said you were my best friend and yet you didn’t even notice when I fell apart

I can’t believe I talked you out of your own head so many times and when I fell apart you forgot about me

I’m still crawling on the ground trying to pick up my stupid fucking pieces and every time I try to stand up I fucking fall over again and you fucking forgot about me

I gave so much of my energy to trying to help you heal and when I needed help you weren’t there

Now I just sit here losing my fucking mind all by myself and you couldn’t even be fucking bothered to ask me how I’m doing without bringing up your own shit first

I guess I’ll always fucking care about other people more than they care about me.

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I am constantly restless and consistently unable to soothe my restless soul

I just want peace

I feel trapped

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I think I’m going to write down/type out the things that are stressing me out that I simply don’t have the guts to tell anyone

It really does help, I highly recommend it

[star-wars-and-stuffs]

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life is so stressful and disappointing and even when I have a little fun, at the end of the day everything still sucks and it makes me so fucking sad

fuck I am so fucking tired

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giving is the thing that brings me back

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Just generally discontent with most things