Sometimes I get stuck thinking about the horror of being Gwen in the late seasons. She's the queen of Camelot, but she's utterly alone.
Her first love was enchanted by her, but he was so damn noble that he could never be a partner to her. He sacrificed his own happiness when he decided to leave Camelot, but never considered that he was sacrificing her happiness too. Maybe it was the right thing to do, but it still left her alone. And she tried to respect it and to keep the boundaries he established, but she still knew that he loved her and she accidentally used that love and that nobility to send him to his death. She didn't know if she loved him anymore, but she still knew she was responsible for a good man gone too soon.
Her brother always ran away; he didn't even return when their father died. And then she reached out anyways and saved him and he finally came home to stay, but she was banished by her fiance and Elyan didn't so much as speak up in her defense. Suddenly he didn't want to be a wanderer anymore. He settled down, but it was never for her—he loved Arthur and being a knight more than he loved his sister. After she came back he might have regretted his lack of action, because suddenly he dropped everything to rescue her from the dark tower. But what's the use in an epic quest if he still takes her husband's side when they argue? Where's the pleasure in knowing he loved her if it only got him killed?
Her husband was distant from the start. She watched him grow from a bratty teenager to a noble king, and she was wrapped up in the grandeur of their secret romance, but once they shared that crown it became clear that he would never truly open up to her. Whenever things got serious, Arthur hid from his wife and instead turned to his servant for emotional support. His servant who was supposed to be Gwen's best friend, and yet who always seemed to know Arthur's side of the story. She knew he could never let down his guard enough to be fully honest with her, to be truly vulnerable, or even to share a bedroom. And yet she was still drawn to him, just like everyone else, which was why she was stuck in a castle where not a single person would ever put her first.
Her best friend faded away as the years wore on. His liveliness melted into something steady and grim, as he was crushed under the weight of something she could never understand. She wanted to reach out and to support him, but the longer he stayed in Camelot the more clear it was that Merlin couldn't really see anyone other than Arthur. It wasn't fair—she befriended Merlin first. She was kind to him when he was alone, and they used to stand by the edges of feasts and giggle together about the silly nobles. Arthur was awful, and yet Merlin was still more of a friend to him than he ever was to Gwen. How could she blame him, when she loved Arthur too?
The other friend—the companion she'd grown alongside, the lady she'd served with loyalty and care—she was gone where Gwen could never follow. She had seen the visions tearing Morgana apart and felt her slipping away into the tides of bitterness and anger at the injustices that surrounded them. Gwen had been the only person to stand by Morgana's side, but she wasn't enough to protect her from the world. She felt the creeping dread as she realized that Morgana was willing to do things even fouler than Uther. But when Morgana finally declared herself Queen of Camelot, it was Gwen who betrayed her. She orchestrated her closest companion's downfall, and maybe Gwen still loved her but love wasn't enough when she could see the harm Morgana was doing to their people. Morgana hated Gwen more than anyone after that, and Gwen tried to hate her in turn. Still, when they were reunited in the tower, Morgana was more attentive to her pain than anyone had been in years. Afterwards, Merlin and Arthur told her that she'd been nothing more than a puppet, and that Morgana would surely have killed her after she arranged her husband's death. Still, she remembered those moments of tenderness as Morgana shared the truth of her suffering. She remembered the anger she'd felt upon hearing how Morgana had been left alone in the dark for years, because she knew what that was like.
And then it was over. They were all dead. She went from a castle full of people—brother, husband, friend—who should have loved her but didn't, to a castle empty of any kindness at all. She had lost everything, and there was no one to support her when she faltered. Merlin was still out there, but he could never leave the shore of Avalon. Gwen's husband was dead, and she couldn't turn to her best friend for comfort because he was the one being torn apart by grief. She had to be strong, like she'd always been. She set her feelings aside, and wore the crown with dignity and grace. She was the Queen after all, and Camelot needed her.
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snowghoul
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