No matter how avoidant I had been, depression found its way. Many times a day have I been on the brink of bursting into tears.
I recently met someone who made me truly happy. I love the way he makes me feel, I love the way I made him happy, I love the way I envision him as future partner. After a long time finally I felt again the need to be provider and protective of someone.
But just when I have decided to love someone seriously, boom, I was left hanging.
Why? Why? Have I been too rude? Or too weak? Too unfocused? Too vulnerable? Am I not strong enough? Not interesting enough? Not worthy enough of investing time and effort?
Really many what-ifs, doubts, self pity, regrets even maybe anger, have consumed my mind for the past days. He sent me a farewell message. I tried to talk to him, he didn’t want to.
Maybe he is on his bipolar episode, I thought. But pushing me away is not right. It hurts. It hurts badly. Does he need to hurt me on an episode? If hurting me does not hurt him, which apparently is, then he does not love me back. Realizing this made me decide to move on already, no matter how hard it may be.
On moving-on stage, I learned that listening to slow mellow love songs, which usually soothes me, does not help this time and surrounding yourself with friends and family eases the hurt significantly. I am slowly getting back to how life was been before he came. I met someone who understands my situation, and am very careful not to hurt him and not send the wrong signals. I might have a big break on my work in next weeks to come. Besides, its Christmas season, my family and the people who are always there deserves no short of a better me.
I am hurt, I am depressed but I decided that I shall not lose control of my life, I shall not lose vision and direction. Maybe I was not really in love with him… maybe I was in love of my impression of him. I am still thankful I met him and the things I felt when he was with me and the things I suffer when he suddenly left. I believe pain makes us stronger, mistakes make us wiser. So when this is all done, I am looking forward to a better person in me.
