Read it if you see it. It will be the last time you hear of me.
Yes, I messed up and so did you. We both scarred each other after only a few months together. I’ve owned up to my mistakes, but did you? And if you did, how? A relationship takes constant, undying effort. You made me feel like I had to perform, like I couldn’t be myself, just a few months into us being together. I broke my own rules and my own head trying to fix what we had.
You told me how in love you were with me, how afraid you were that I’d break up with you and the very next day, you were the one who left. I was never really given a fair chance to work on myself and to help you along the way. No one can work on their flaws and on a relationship’s dynamic in such a short time. If we had even just two months two months of focusing on ourselves and our relationship without threatening to break up we could have saved what we built.
Yes, you tried for us several times too, but did you try in the right way? Hell, I didn’t either, even though you were the girl I wanted to marry. No relationship is perfect. You make mistakes, but you have to learn from them and work through the problems. Our problems ate our love alive.
Now you say you’ve lost feelings for me, yet you text me that your love for me is stopping you from moving on, along with so many other things you’ve said and done. For a month you’ve been contradicting yourself. With your words and actions. I thought something could really happen between us. What we had could have been fixed.
I let it slide when you texted that random guy at the start of our relationship not just him, but the second guy too. After the first time, I lost a piece of myself. I felt like I had to perform, to change at my core. The second time made everything so much worse. And in the end, I saved you from breaking your own head.
I’ve never made such promises before: moving to Austria together to build our dreams; having a cottage with the dog you dreamed of and all the pets you love; being happy to have you as my housewife while supporting any desire you might have, old or new. Traveling wherever we wanted. We’ve already been to Germany, Spain, Greece so many times. You said you loved the first few months of us dating. Do you know why those were the only months you enjoyed? Because you talked to the other guy. After that, I felt I had to perform but even that wasn’t enough, because our dynamic was already bad.
Everything, big or small, would hit you hard and me too. You didn’t see what needed to be fixed, and I didn’t either, until it was too late.
I know a part of you might still want me back or maybe that part is numb right now and you can’t hear it because of everything that has transpired. But if it ever grows stronger, come back. Let’s do it again from the beginning, but right this time.
I can’t keep chasing a shadow. I can’t keep chasing a promise and a dream that were built by two people when now I’m only one. You say we were meant to be friends no, we weren’t. Otherwise, none of this would have happened between us. We were meant to be lovers. We were meant to live a long life together so I could take care of you when you couldn’t even get out of bed.
I hope you live a stress-free life. Right now your worst enemy is yourself, and you have to fight it with everything you’ve got. You are an amazing person, with an incredible sense of humor. You’re righteous, you have a way with words and people, and you have those marble-caramel eyes. Eyes that told me everything without a word.
Take care of yourself. You won’t find what you need in other people, only inside yourself. Face your trauma and don’t run away from it. I’ll be rooting for you even if you can’t see me, even if I don’t check up on you, even if our paths never align again. Truly thank you my love. At least I understood one thing from this relationship. I was made to love you. You will forever be a part of my heart.
Till death do us apart, but we are vampires.