ª @cry-clubb - Tumblr Blog

extraño ser adolescente, ser rara y sentirme incomprendida, extraño la sensación de sentirme grande siendo tan pequeña.

es raro como en un pestañear la vida pasa y no saber qué será después, el después, que siempre llega y a la vez nunca conocemos.

cosmonautroger

uroko

urban plants

izzy444angel

always-angelic-aspie-alice

TW/CW: anxiety, depression, ED, Girl Interrupted Syndrome, confessional (and the like, I'm not great at making warnings. Read at your own risk, although a lot of my writing is positive because I know thyself).

My sense of reality is different from what it used to be. Now, I have chronic-health issues and autism-neurodivergent specific issues that guide my decisions. Everything is constantly hard and emotionally draining and physically exhausting to the point where I need time off socials on the weekends and where it is not uncommon if I have a day-time sleep in the middle of the day, or late afternoon.

I feel like I'm in my Girl Interrupted Era. I'm trying so hard to be good and on the right path, but sometimes my bad habits get in the way. I'm trying to make good choices, but sometimes decisions aren't good or bad, you know?

Sometimes, I'm just learning to survive and surviving in a world not build for me. I don't care anymore about what people say to me or what society expects, such as I should be working a full-time job. I don't care that I don't drive right now, or that I don't have many real-life friends because some friend-ships are broken brookes and bridges need not to be burnt down, but just avoided altogether.

I am certainly not perfect, but I don't want to be. I don't care about being a size zero or a size eight. I don't care that my boobs are small in comparison to those who have their boobs done. Or that my lips are not so aggressively plump like Kylie Jenner or Angelina Jolie. Yes, some say that I have fine features, like high cheekbones, full lips, green eyes, and thick eyebrows. But at the end of the day, I'm finding that while my looks may get me some places, such as likes on social media, it doesn't lead to a job. My appearance hadn't always been advantageous to me.

I don't care too much now about what I look, although social media, including Tumblr, has a lot of white, skinny, sometimes ED looking girls in ethereal back-drops and a young Courtney Love vibe. But I'm not trying to be that. I'm trying to just be myself.

I know that social media is still full of a lot of triggering things such as very skinny girls. But when I do re-share, I make an effort to say how I relate to it, and I try not to glamourise ill mental-health, ED, or now there's something called Girl Interrupted Syndrome. I just don't get influenced anymore in negative ways in the social media context because I'm older, I'm wiser, I know myself more, and I know what's good for me. I'm not 14 or 15 or 19 anymore.

But, I'm on social media to feel connected, to fill up the void in my life where my other friends besides the ones I already have would be present. I'm not lonely, I just like to be in the company of others who are also on-line or were on-line recently. I have off-line friends, one or two really good ones. But what I've found is that my sense of reality may be different. My life is now so different from who it used to be.

But I'm empowered, I'm strong, I'm emotional, I'm free, I'm free, I'm vulnerable, I'm magical, and most of all I've learnt how to dance in the dark, to make peace with my demons, to consume the light and the dark, and to know that both the lightness and the darkness within the crevices in my soul, in my heart are my life's biggest teachers.

Without the darkness, I would not appreciate the light. Without the devils, I would not appreciate the insanity, the delight, the power, the wisdom that comes with the knowledge of holding the hand of Mr. Darkness.

- Susannah 🦋