When I take accountability through our talks, I don't see it as a chore or a burden. It's important to me because how I made you feel is important to me.
But when you talk about being able to receive my feelings, you frame it as "I'm sure there are things you want me to take accountability for"
And I think that highlights the difference in our approaches quite well because no I don't want to force accountability and guilt upon you. Or make you accept the blame for the relationship ending bc every dynamic has two halves to it. I am an equal part of that
All I want is to be heard
And to actually be understood
You're so quick to say you understand and it's meant to be reassuring, but it's not bc you say it before we've actually talked about it. You didn't even understand I was initiating a breakup until a week after I said it, but that's what you kept saying the day of - I understand, I understand. You had no questions, you needed space. I thought I had been pretty clear and wind up hurt at not only the stonewalling, but the apparent dismissal of what I said.
How can I feel like you listen to me and understand me when that happens?
I know I've made it difficult for you to feel like I you're heard and understood too - but I have tried to put a lot of effort into asking to hear it, I've invited those conversations, and even when I can't have them yet I still acknowledge that I can see specific examples of how I've hurt you and that I want to do the work to be able to receive what you say. for you it sounds more like something I'm putting upon you, an expectation, something to dread.
"I don't know if I can offer the connection you need to have those accountability talks" "
That's fine, I say. You don't have to yet, I reassure. I'm still here to talk, I insist.
Is it fine with me? To keep trying to give that capacity and presence when I'm being told I can't hope for it in return? I think there's a limit to how much of that emotional labor and accountability I can take on without knowing it will be reciprocal, and that my feelings can also be acknowledged. I resent the futility in being told outright not to expect that. But I'll continue to willfully offer up my own energy - to whose benefit? Ultimately not to yours, and definitely not to mine.
We talk about talking more than we actually talk. I over extend myself and sacrifice the hope of being heard to do it. I get triggered and emotional, you get avoidant. We go round and round.
I just want to be listened to. I want to know you actually do understand, I want the things I say to be acknowledged. I want an opportunity to hear you in return and just talk back and forth with mutual openness. I am so tired of feeling like I'm something you're subjected to, rather than someone you can connect with
And forcing it isn't going to fix that
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