As simple as my problems would seem, I could not help but dwell on them since they are the biggest problems I have as of now. As self-centered as it is, I could not just bear how things get magnified when things that are left are smaller in number.
I'm a college student who lives alone for the time being because the place I'm currently studying in is not from my hometown, and I can't help thinking about the friendship (or lack thereof) with my "friends" right now.
Well, they are my blockmates, and they have gotten kind of cliquish now. And thanks to my antisocial skills, I now find myself lost within this second family of mine. But let me tell you first the story of my freshie life to get things rolling.
During my first year, we were kind of a solid block. Come the middle of the first semester, an issue came between my two blockmates forcing the block to split in half; let's just call these groups the "adventurous kids" and the "diligent kids". Well there is another group, but they are not really a group since they go out with their other peers outside the block rendering them irrelevant to my story, so let's just focus on these two.
At first, I'm closer with the adventurous kids because most people on this group almost have the same schedule as mine. However, one of my friends, who is one of the few friends I have gotten close with first in college, is closer with the diligent kids. This kind of forced me to stray away with the adventurous kids. So my closeness with these people never developed fully from that day on.
Now, I became quite close with the diligent kids, because of this friend. And all throughout my freshman year, there came too many times when the what-ifs kick in on me and wonder what it would be like had I went with them throughout the school year.
Even now, a pang of jealousy would hit me when I see pictures or posts of these adventurous kids around Facebook and I wasn't even invited. It depresses me and makes me wonder how unspecial I am to them... because there are people, who get to hang out with them lesser than I do, who get invited; and that time it seemed to me that my presence had been nothing to them. It just hurts that I care this much.
Come second year, me and this close friend of mine now kind of get why the issue started. We kind of having been getting a bad vibe on one of the diligent kids (one of my two blockmates who had an issue with one another causing the block to break up). This caused us to start drifting away from this group as well. So in a way, we kind of do not have a clique in a block anymore... but things did not stay that way for a long time.
And now, here we are today, the second semester of my second year. My friend somehow got pretty much close to the adventurous kids. So it makes sense for me to follow him in this clique now. However, in the short amount of time that they had been together, he became closer to them than I did before, and my relationship to them... well is just the same as before -- a friend, a blockmate, not a close friend.
The thing is that, now, he has more close friends. And I feel like I am still stuck in the no-circle-of-friends club. I am not the kind of person to pry on other people's lives. But today, this very day after I hanged out with a few of them, I've never felt so out of place my entire life. It hurts not to know, that they keep secrets from me. I feel like an outsider, unappreciated, a fool. I do not even look at the things they point out, carelessly, that would reveal the secret that I, the only one of them, do not know. The sad fact is that I do not even TRY to not look at the careless signs they give away, I just DON'T; and they wouldn't know know that.
So there, I couldn't say anything to my close friend now that he is "in" in this clique and I am still out. And I feel like anytime, he is about to let go of me now as well (as a close friend). It just hurts. I feel so alone, it hurts. And I thought I wouldn't cry writing this... Silly me. Always the sensitive one.
I think that's all I can say for now.
