Vent Art Blog For Survivors Of CSA/COCSA

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[csa-vents]

I still don't believe they didn't tell each other what they were doing to me. How can two friends abuse the same person without each other knowing? It happened for years. It's been years now and I still feel their hands and lips on me and it hurts.

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[csa-vents]

My family is filled with a bunch of perverted freaks. I've felt sexualized my whole life and got molested more than once and have had plenty of opportunities to take things further with family members. Now I find myself into some really fucked up p0rn and it makes me feel guilty sometimes even though it's all fiction. But when I get in the mood it's my go to. People getting off to my trauma has made me feel good in some sick weird way. Would I have been like this without my abuse??? I don't know. Makes me feel gross and also liberating But also some weird self harm way I guess? Idk how to feel as a person. If I wasn't taken, I'd probably be a huge slut.

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[csa-vents]

Fuck you 'b' how could you do this to me you took everything from me and think you have the right to tell me to grow up i still sit here feeling like a ghost with only the horrible memories of your cold hands on my body you monster i hate you i hate you i fucking hate you

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[csa-vents]

I think something really bad happened to me when I was little. I can remember ever not knowing about sex, and whenever an adult is nice to me, my first thought is always that they want to rape me.

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[csa-vents]

sometimes I wish it was worse. that way I’d feel justified for still getting upset about it after all these years. I am starting to let go, but the world won’t let that happen, will it. I feel like it will happen again. Maybe not with you. Either way, I think I’m meant to suffer this again. Maybe all I’m good for is being objectified and fondled. Maybe I’m just a pair of breasts meant to be taken advantage of.

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[csa-vents]

you were my sister. you were supposed to be my ally, keep me safe. why did you take it upon yourself to hurt me so much? why was there a whole decade of abuse and bullying and humiliation?

you said i ruined your life; i think i ruin everything

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[csa-vents]

I feel like something is wrong with me. When my friends talk about what happened to them, they can place justified blame on the grown people who knew better. I don't know if he knew better. he was only a year and a half older and we were both so fucking young. I shook and I told him that I didn't like that game. But he didn't care. And I thought he loved me. I feel fucking stupid now because I thought he loved me. I was in 5th fucking grade trying to tell the difference between love and lust, my exact words. I can't tell anyone now. I was scared he would get in trouble then, so I didn't say anything. I took his treatment of me. Because I thought he loved me. He took my first kiss. My first crush. So many firsts ruined. So many others now lost to fear. And then later I fell for it again. 12 years old and I thought he loved me again when he just wanted sex. And I cried alone in his bed after he came. I still don't know why. I want all the years and all of those firsts back. I at least want to be a normal tragedy where there is some obvious villain and not two kids. Because there was never anything I could do. He didn't know better until he did. And then I was ruined forever. I hope he feels guilty. I hope he feels bad for all of it. I hope those years of pictures of us holding hands all burn. I can still feel how he would kiss me. I can still feel his grip. I can still feel the guilt in the pit of my stomach I felt when I was 10 because I felt dirty, but it was fine because he loved me. My mother makes me call him on his fucking birthday. I am so scared she will again. They ask me how he is and I shut down at his very name. I wanted him to like me. I wanted to be a fairytale with a perfect kiss and an "as you wish" and the book fucking ends. I never wanted to be his weird little sexual experiment. I thought he fucking loved me. And I can't even call it rape because I never fought, just squirmed and pressed my discomfort down because I thought he loved me. And I thought that was what love was. If it had to happen, why couldn't it just be a normal tragedy instead?

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[csa-vents]

I feel fucking crazy for this. I dont remember living in that house but I remember the scentsy parties. Why do certain smells send me crying and rocking in a corner. Why do i have the images of hands on me that i cant place.

Is this a crazy conspiracy ive concocted in my head because i cant seek help? You didn’t do those parties when we moved to our new house.

After twenty years… What happened. What happened?!

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[csa-vents]

my little sister is 12 now, the same age i was when it started, and i feel sick every time i think about that. she’s so young. did i look that young back then? was i ever that innocent? i can’t wrap my head around it; i’ve never felt young, i’ve never felt innocent. if anyone were to try to hurt her like that i’d kill them with my bare hands, i swear to god i would, and i wouldn’t regret it. why couldn’t anyone protect me?

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[csa-vents]

i can’t talk about it with anyone.

i mean, i guess my therapist, who i see once a week for 90 minutes, but outside of that, i just can’t. it’s too heavy. it’s too much. people don’t understand. my family will never, ever believe me. and i’m angry that what someone else did to me when i was too small to do anything about it, to even properly remember it, has fucking ruined every chance i’ve ever had at having a real, truly open relationship.

my partner tells me i can talk about it, but he also said he has secondhand trauma from hearing about it and thinking about it. and now i feel like i can’t. i don’t want to hurt him. i feel horrible for not even thinking about it. i feel like a monster for that.

and i guess that’s all i’ll ever be now, right? i don’t feel human, maybe i never really was. the second i stopped being a good, quiet baby who didn’t cry or fuss and started being a small person walking and talking was the second i knew no one really loved me anymore and i wasn’t safe. maybe i’m just not a person. i don’t know. when i look inward i don’t see a person, i see an animal.

i don’t know.

i wish my abuser wasn’t dead so i could get some kind of answers. but he’s my mother’s father so what could i even do. no one would ever, ever fucking believe me.

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[csa-vents]

the saddest part was, you were the person i looked up to. you were supposed to protect me. as my older sibling you were supposed to keep me safe. family was supposed to be an innocent game, but you pulled me behind your bed. you pushed our younger sibling out. you touched me and kissed me. even though you never took off my clothes, you still pulled me on top of you. you took my first kiss. you forgot about it, but i didn’t.

you made me think it was okay, so i tried with our other sibling. i hate you for making me think that, but i’m glad i never did it with her. i’m glad she never had to feel the things i did. i hate you, but i can’t escape you.

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[csa-vents]

i just remembered what happened and i feel sick. i can't say anything, i know i won't be believed with this school's track record (and if i am, it'll be forgotten in at most 4 days,) and i just have to deal with the fact that he's everywhere. i have to listen to everyone talk to him and i just have to deal with it. and i know what he did to his sister, the sick fuck. i hate him so goddamn much. he's a piece of shit. i want to scream. i'd cry if i hadn't lost the ability to already.

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[csa-vents]

it's messing me up really bad. i keep feeling this urge. like a body flashback. i want to kick and swing my arms and say "please let me go". i start crying and shaking, feeling like im going to die.

im not sure why. i want to know. i suspect the worst. but i dont know why, and i feel so alone in my fear.

more than anything, i'm really, really sad.

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[csa-vents]

i hate everyone. just get away from me just leave me alone why does everyone want to hurt me why am i so stupid. im so stupid. i thought you liked me.

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[csa-vents]

they took videos of me. they took videos of me like that and pictures and I am disgusting and dirty and eyes are on me. invisible eyes and two sets of hands and what kind of monsters would do this? why did they do it? how did they get away with it? how did nobody notice?

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[csa-vents]

I felt like I was being eaten alive and didn't understand it

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[csa-vents]

IM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE WHY ARE U STILL OBSESSED WITH ME???? I THOUGHT I WAS TOO OLD FOR YOUR KIND!??!!? WHYYYY

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