Growing up, I was always aware that I wasnāt as pretty or as thin as the other girls. My mum insisted my hair was kept at shoulder length and so the long hair I craved wasnāt meant for me. The other girls had long hair.
When I started puberty at the tender age of 9, that further alienated me from the other girls. I would sometimes get spots, or have greasy hair and I started to gain weight. The other girls still had clear skin and slender frames.
As a teenager, I was tall (for my age), heavily set and a whirring mess of hormones. I had no fashion sense and hadnāt discovered the miracles make up could perform. The other girls were well dressed and made up.
At 16, I got my first boyfriend. Realising that someone actually fancied me was a huge boost and I gained enough confidence to understand that whilst I might not be drop-dead gorgeous, I mustnāt be too bad. The other girls were single but kissing lots of boys.
Coming into adulthood with a couple of relationships under my belt, I still struggled with insecurity but was ok enough to get byā¦ then I met my husband when I was 20. He was older and so clever and funny. We fell deeply in love and had a wild sex life. I felt loved and wanted. The other girls were dating immature boys and being treated badly by them.
Fast forward to now: weāre still deeply in love, I still feel wanted, I still feel loved. But our wild sex life now involves him fucking those other girls - the girls who havenāt managed to find their own decent guy. The girls who I always looked up to as the perfect depiction of femininity. The girls who are still gorgeous and who are still hotter than me. But this time Iāve found my place. I might not be those other girls, but I am loved. I am kind. I am thoughtful. I am a cuckquean. And I am me.
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