I'm in here

Cassandra G. Zieliński. 19, would-be Sophomore. Native. Chances are that I hate your fucking guts. NYU engineering drop out with violent tendencies and a record with the authorities. Loyal as all hell and more crass than you can dare to imagine. IQ's 146. Currently single and enjoying life with four lackeys: Ace Middleton, Ryan Hunt, Michael Bertucci, and Aiden Novak.

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Cassandra taking the bottles was a little comforting. Maybe she could sell them and make some good money of off the dimwitted college students in the area looking for a fix. She could make at least a grand or so on everything in the box. She deserved to have a little money in her pocket and not have to steal everything, no matter how good she was at it. He’d buy her a castle if he could because she was worth all that and more to him.

He didn’t have the energy or will to fight Cassandra as she pulled him from the floor. It was a smart idea not to leave him alone, and he was going to need someone to smooth his hair back as he threw up later. He felt bad having to do it at Cassandra and incontinence her and Aiden but he couldn’t stay home. Too many temptations and reminders of how shitty he was.  And after all, cuddling up to Cassandra on that big old couch in the living room sounded rather nice at this point. So he threw on his shoes, grabbed his essentials, and didn’t look back. It would be the last time he had to look at that pile of mistakes.

Unfortunately, it took him forever and a half to lock the door because of his trembling hands. He had to hold one wrist to steady his hand long enough to put the key in. Cassandra sigh and muttering next to him didn’t help anything at all either. Again, he was pulled by the five-foot ball of fire and dragged outside where she hailed a cab. His lip twitched up slightly at her words of encouragement, not that he believed any of it. He was pretty sure from now on his life was going to be harder than it ever was before. All he knew that it was high time he fought it and stopped hiding behind the drugs. He kiss on the cheek and hug warmed him a bit and the comment of him paying made him smile more.

He opened the door for Cassandra and slipped in after her. She said the address and he took a deep breath, breathing in the sweat, alcohol, and pine air freshener that tried to cover it all up. He was tired, his whole body ached and the cab ride was going to make him nausea. He rested his head on Cassandra’s lap for the short duration of the ride and closed his eyes.

[cuntbagzielinski]

While they rode, it was silent, and Cassandra took the time to think. At every red light, she glanced over to him, puzzled, worried-- unsure of almost everything. This was Ryan-- a person she hadn't known that long, but someone she'd taken under her wing (so to speak), and he did the same to her-- her best friend. Someone who'd taken care of her and someone who she'd taken care of as well. She knew, she knew very well that there were a lot of things that went unspoken between them, she knew that she was worse off than him, but that for whatever reason she was capable of ignoring things.

He wasn't... She sighed and looked out of the window, away from her friend, smoothing her hair back. Cassandra's stomach felt hollowed out, her palms felt sweaty, and her hands trembled slightly. She couldn't stop herself from glancing over to Ryan ever so often, watching him breathe in and out, making sure he was alive. He was alive, he was there, he was with her, and she wasn't sure if she was ever going to be as happy as she felt when she was beside him.

"Hey," she finally said, punching him in the arm, "We're here, assfag," Cassandra beamed, looking to the driver and gesturing to Ryan. "He's paying," she informed, getting out of the car and waiting the moments alone, trying to get through her thoughts-- interrupted by Ryan finishing up. "Come on," their arms looped together and she led him to the apartment, shoving him in.

She'd make sense of things sooner or later.

[bigscreens-blog]

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Cassandra started to click back into place like a doll with retractable libs. Ryan smiled a bit at the threat, knowing that meant she felt better. 

“I don’t think I’d be able to stomach anything in an hour or so.” He said, looking at the time on his phone. A few hours short of 10 hours without any drugs. He had been holding off because of the nice adrenalin rush he got trying to help Cassandra, but he knew soon he’d be a useless pile if painful sobbing mess. The nerves under his skin had already begun to jitter.

They entered the apartment and Ryan took a deep breath as he looked around. He tried to stay level headed; they didn’t need another break down on their hands. That would come after when Cassandra was home. Without a word, He got back to work, pulling bottles out of various places of his apartment, dumping them into the case until it was impossible to put the lid on. Most of the bottles were empty but that didn’t easy the harsh reality.

Ryan never really considered himself a drug addict, not until today anyway. He was sure if he lined up the bottles on their sides, they could maybe stretch across his apartment. It was tempting, but he didn’t want to hate himself more then he already did. None of this would have been a problem a year ago. He didn’t really think he had a problem until Tony came back into his life. He wasn’t sure if he should thank him or hate him for making him see how discussing he was and then walking out on him. It was an eye opener but maybe he didn’t want his eyes opened. He could have gone on living in a haze of ignorant bliss.

Another half hour went by, the case was over flowing with bottles, and they were done. Ryan sat and starred at the mini mountain in the middle in the middle of his room. He didn’t really think about what he was going to do with it all. Figured he’d cross that bridge when he came to it. Now he was there and he wasn’t sure he wanted to cross it at all.

“So what do I do with it all?” he asked Cassandra. “Do I like… burn it or something? I don’t fucking know.” He was sure she had some idea, or at least could think of one faster than he could. God, he’d be lost without her. 

[cuntbagzielinski]

A half hour passed, and the both of them worked. The apartment looked as if a tornado had torn through it, and they sat, the both of them, staring at the pile of drug paraphernalia before them. Cassandra gulped, shrugged, and rolled her eyes, sighing loudly before throwing herself back, laying on the floor, looking up at Ryan. “Burning it, Hunt, would be a hell of a waste of money,” she said to him simply, adjusting her body and propping herself up with her elbows.

“I’ll take it,” Cassandra said, hopping up and dusting her hands off, slapping them on her thin thighs. She shot a smirk at Ryan, followed by a wink, and she stepped towards the pile—“I’ll give it a nice home—sell that shit so fast. You aren’t allowed to handle it anymore, Hunt.” She paused, “Actually, I’m not leaving your gay ass alone. God fuckin’ knows what you’ll do. Drown yourself in your tears, I don’t know.” She laughed, grabbing at his arm and pulling him up, his sudden height startling her, “Shit,” Cassandra laughed again, her hand finding his, “I’ll come get it later, yeah?” She said, leading him out of the apartment. “Lock that shit—you’re coming with me, and Aiden can deal with your bitch ass sleeping on the couch with me.”

She waited for him to lock the door, sighing heavily and muttering a very impatient finally under her breath when he finished, taking his hands and pulling him out of the building into the street, hauling down a cab. “You can do this shit, y’know that?” Cassandra said as the cab pulled to a stop in front of them. “If anyone can, you can. You’ve got some sorta faggot life ahead of you. I know that shit,” She winked and pulled him down, kissing his cheek and hugging him. “That doesn’t mean you aren’t paying for the cab, though.”

[ghouliiest]

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Ryan squeezed her hand again. “Alright, alright. I won’t take you home.” He rather her be with someone who can take care of her, hell she would be better off on her own than with him, but she wanted to stay. He was going to respect her request and he took to turn to go back to his apartment. He nodded in agreement to ever talk about the mishap again. It wasn’t something he’d want her to relive, and really, he could do without it too.

 The drive was a lot smoother and quiet than the drive there with Ryan behind the wheel. As the silence sat in, so did the Ryan’s forgotten withdrawals. The adrenalin rush he got when Cassandra had her panic attack fuelled him enough to forget about them, but now that it was dying down, he could feel them again. He ignored them for the time being. Cassandra was his priority now, and he couldn’t go off and have his stupid withdrawals. Of all the times to be selfish, this wasn’t it.

Ryan parked in his usual spot and gave Cassandra’s hand one more squeeze before letting it go. He turned off the car, got the food and went around the car to get Cassandra. He put his hand out for her in case she wanted to hold it, hell he wouldn’t care if she wanted him to carry her in. He just wanted her to be comfortable and feel safe. Hopefully he could get her calm enough to want to eat more food. He didn’t like her going this long without eating something. 

[cuntbagzielinski]

Ryan parked and exited the car, and Cassandra took the few moments of solitude to gather herself, rebuild herself and her psyche at record speed-- a new personal best, awesome-- because she was supposed to be the strong one. She was supposed to be the infallible fuck-up of epic proportions-- the sort that didn't bend or break under pressure-- because that just wasn't in her nature. She inhaled a shaky breath, her fingers running through her knotted hair-- "Get it together, Zieliński," Cassandra muttered under her breath, having bent over, her head almost between her knees--

The door opened and she snapped up, shocked expression on her face. "Scare me like that again, Hunt, and you'll be seeing stars-- and also be lackin' a dick," she told him with a smirk, taking his hand and pulling herself up and out of the car. "I mean it," Cassandra said, poking a finger at his nose, her eyes narrowed.

With a lick of her lips, she felt her gears shift into their almost-correct positions. "C'mon. Let's get your shitty life on track and shit. Then, well. I'll grab you an ice cream or candy-- whatever the hell you want. On me." Of course, it'd be thievery, but it's what she did best-- one of the things, at least. "So long as you dump all the shit in there. I'll even, like," she sighed, "bake you something. And I won't fuck it up. Pinky swear."

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Cassandra reached for him quickly and gripped onto him tightly, digging her fingers into him. It was unexpected, Cassandra was never one for physical contact but he didn’t question it.  He just wrapped his arms around her and cradled her, comforting her the best he could. It was really all he could do. He wasn’t equipped to handle a situation like this. He was too broken to even try to help someone pick up their own pieces. He wished with all his heart he could help her, fix her, but he couldn’t even fix himself. He did, however, make a silent promise to himself that he was going to help her in any way he could and even more so when he was better.

“I’m not going to leave.” He reassured her. “I’m not going anywhere I promise, Cass.” And although he wasn’t sure how well he could keep that promise, he meant it. For some strange reason Cassandra loved him and he loved her back. They had this friendship and understanding he didn’t think he’d ever have with another living thing and it was worth sticking around for.

Ryan was sure that he wasn’t going to get Cassandra off him easily, not that he minded, but they were on the floor of a woman’s public bathroom, and it really wasn’t somewhere Ryan wanted to be. Carefully, he lifted Cassandra and held her in his arms like a child. “I’m going to take you home okay?” Subjecting her to more cleaning and more withdrawals was just cruel. At least when she was back at her apartment, there was someone who could take care of her there.

Ignoring the stares, he got their food and walked out of the restaurant. He managed to get Cassandra into the passenger seat and he got into the driver’s side. If he could drive with her on his lap, he would, but instead he just held her hand. He was confident enough in his driving skills that he could drive with one hand. She would be home soon, and he’d go back to hollowing out his apartment and life. He was sure Aiden would take good care of her, better than he ever could.

[cuntbagzielinski]

She held to him tightly, moving when he needed, relaxing visibly once she was fully in his arms. Little by little, the burning, the panicky sensation that had settled in her core-- subsided. Her fingers curled and she buried herself deep in Ryan, taking shallow breaths, trying to regulate herself and her brain, her emotions-- this wasn't her, this wasn't how she was wired-- she was stronger than anything life could throw at her, so why was it so-- so--

Cassandra shuddered and shook her head to nothing in particular. It was too late to answer Ryan, though her sense of time was a little, well. She had no idea how much time had passed. Her moments in the bathroom felt like an eternity, and the world was moving too fast and too slow at the same time. "I don't wanna go home," she didn't want to face Aiden, she didn't want to face anyone, "Please don't take me home," Cassandra murmured softly, opening her eyes-- she was in the car, no longer in Ryan's arms, and her panic spiked for a moment, as she lost sight of him-- driver's side-- there he was. She was fine. "Don't-- don't fucking," she paused, inhaling deeply, trying to feel comfortable in her skin, trying to handle everything-- "Don't fucking take me home," she said, gulping.

His hand found hers and she squeezed at it, though her body turned away and she faced the window. Her hands shook, they were damp with sweat, and her heart was still racing, but the majority of the world seemed to finally be moving at the right pace, and though she was a failure in every other aspect of her life, she could hold on to the promise that he'd made, he wouldn't leave her, no matter what. And that was more comforting than he could ever know.

"Don't take me home," she repeated, her voice softer, lower, so much different than her normal tone. "I don't want to go home," Cassandra said, chewing at her lip, watching the buildings pass them-- she still felt wrong, felt out of place, but it was more manageable. "I'm fine," she told him, looking at him, a challenge in her eyes. "I'm fine, Hunt. Hundred percent. We'll never--" she took a breath, "We're never talking about that shit again, yeah?" Cassandra winked and she felt the knot in her throat and the churning sensation in her stomach, "Just don't take me home. It won't take too long to deal with your apartment. S'what, y'know," Cassandra turned her attention towards the window and what was out if it once more, "S'what friends're for an' all that."

[storyofmypalate]

[cuntbagzielinski]

so i call your name the only thing i know 

[goodfuckingmusic-blog]

Visit Original Link

[cuntbagzielinski]

Liar, liar, house of fire And the glass tastes messy chew it louder bet your tummy hurts you, you motherfucker mother never loved you father touched you with the hand of god He's gripping tighter Saying you will burn in hell, they say You will burn in hell

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

No noise came from beyond the bathroom door and it frightened Ryan. He heard little whispers but he didn’t know if that was her or the murmurs of people behind him. He had no clue what she was doing, what she was planning to do. He wanted to rush in but what if she was against the door? He was going to hurt her when he pushed it. But what if he didn’t go in? She needed someone with her right now and he needed to be that person. 

“Cass, I’m coming in.” he said. He gently and slowly pushed the door to avoid injury. The sight was heart breaking and enough to make Ryan sick to his stomach. She was on the floor, curled up, sobbing and whispering to herself. He caused that. Whatever he said, he made that happen and the guilt started to squeeze him.

He knelt down to Cassandra and was just about to touch her when he stopped. It was a very bad idea to touch someone during a panic attack. What if it triggered her more and she freaked out more? He didn’t need to as insult to injury.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.” He said to her calmly in an attempt to calm her down. “Can I hug you? Is that okay?” He reached his hand out. Maybe she didn’t want a hug but she wanted to hold his hand or have some human contact. Usually, Ryan was the one being talked down from a panic attack. It was odd to be on the other side for a change and it certainly wasn’t easy. He felt hopeless and useless, not knowing the correct words to say or what to do to help her. 

[cuntbagzielinski]

Cassandra felt Ryan enter the bathroom, but she didn't look up. Her body felt as if it were frozen in its position. She felt as if she were drowning, she couldn't breathe, not at all, and she felt trapped. "No it won't, it won't be okay--" You'll leave, everyone's going to leave, I fuck everything up-- she was trembling, and fear was seeping into her, paralysing her, she thought.

She peeked up, just barely, and saw the hand that was extended towards her. Immediately, all her immobility deemed to melt away and she reached towards him, pulling herself up, quickly so, and wrapping herself around him, her face firmly nuzzled in his chest, her tears staining his shirt. Cassandra shook her head and murmured into the fabric, clinging to him, blunt and dull nails hooking into the shirt, unable (or perhaps unwilling), to let go.

Her body clung to his and she didn't want to be anywhere else in that moment. Though her heart still felt as if it was going to give out, and though her lungs felt as if they were failing-- she was okay. Or, at least, being in Ryan's arms made her think that she was going to be okay. "Don't go," she murmured, barely heard, her hands beginning to tremble again, her body following suit, "I fuck everything up," she whispered, "I don't wanna fuck this up too, Ry."

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Ryan could almost hear the kinks forming in Cassandra’s armor and he could feel his hands making them. Many emotions flashed in her eyes and she began to crack a bit. Ryan’s heart began to pound and his breathing gained weight. He could feel she was going to have a panic attack, he didn’t know how, but he knew, and he froze completely. His mind told him to help, stop it, make her feel better, but he couldn’t. His body wouldn’t let him.  He was absolutely useless, like he always was. Cassandra jumped up and went for the bathroom. His body unlocked and he followed after her. “Cass, hold on.” The door slammed before he could get to her. Trying to open it was useless, he figured she was leaning against it.

“Cass, come on. Open the door.” He rested his head against it, his hand holding the handle firmly. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him and the anxiety rose in his chest, but he pushed it down. It was time to not be a selfish prick for once. “Come on, I’ll take you home, okay? You don’t have to help me clean anymore. Aiden’s got the day off on weekends right? You can stay with him and stuff. Please Cass.” He knew they were both going through withdrawals and were both triggered like they haven’t been in a while, and really it was Ryan’s fault. He should have never dragged her into this. He should have just sucked it up, took a sleeping pill and forget about it all.

He tapped rather lightly on the door, but loud enough to be heard. “I’m sorry. I’ll take you home. You won’t have to deal with me. I’ll just. I won’t bother you anymore.”  The pleased where barely loud enough to make it through the door, at least he hoped they did. He just wanted to know Cassandra was okay, not that either of them were ever so. If he could take away all her pain and take it for his own he would. He would do it in a heartbeat. The only part worse than her being like this was the fact that he caused it just with a few gestures and words. He had half a mind to just sew his lips shut. 

[cuntbagzielinski]

Her fingers tugged and yanked at her messy locks, her legs were up to her chest and all she wanted was to disappear. She wanted for all the monsters she'd ever made up, or ever encountered, to stop, to go away, to fizzle away into nothingness, just like herself. She wanted to stop botching up everything she cared about-- she wanted to be enough.

But she'd never be. Her hands moved from her hair to her ears and she covered them, trying to ignore what Ryan was saying, because it only felt as if he was cementing in all her beliefs. He was speaking lies, he wanted her gone, wanted to be away from her, just like Cassandra herself.

Her vision was flashing and she felt as if she were going insane, slowly, yet all at once. Though her eyes weren't open she could sense the room spinning, which only made her stomach churn. Cassandra didn't know if she was yelling or not, if the whispers that came from her lips were really soft, or if they were loud, but she begged for everything to stop, for the burning sensation beneath her skin to quell-- please stop please stop please stop-- whether those were thoughts or screams, she didn't know.

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Cassandra’s hood went up and she muttered an apology. Guilt ripped through Ryan’s stomach (or was that the withdrawals? He couldn’t tell anymore). She had been doing so much for him and he just made her feel like crap. Good Job Ryan. Just fuck up everything. When they got into the restraint, he let her order first. He wanted to pull her hood down, kiss her on the top of the head and say he was sorry, but he didn’t. It was bad enough he showed too much affection to Cassandra as it was. A public display might end up in a homemade shiv in his stomach.

The food seemed incredibly greasy and equivalently delicious and Ryan didn’t want any of it. He was feeling sick and food was the last thing he wanted, but he was going to eat. If he didn’t think about it too much, eating wasn’t too bad. He could only ever really eat sweets easily without the queasy feeling, but he’s learned to work through it. Cassandra started to talk and his stomach turned further with every word. He’s seen Cassandra at her most pathetic at times but this was different. She was asking him, no, practically begging him not to leave. He shook his head and looked at her, trying not to look as pathetic as he felt. “Cass, I would never, ever leave you. I don’t care if you do shit in front of me or not I really don’t. I mean, I’m probably triggering the fuck out of you right now and you’re staying.” He thought about taking a bite out of his food, but he couldn’t. It would most definitely come back up. He figured he’d take it home, maybe Cassandra could eat it later if she stayed that long. “You’re just, really fucking important to me. Fuck, you’re the reason I’m doing this shit. You’re the only person who hasn’t hurt me or walked out on me yet.” Ryan’s hand snaked up into the sleeve of his jacket and began to scratch absently at his forearm. “Really only person I fully trust. Kind of a big thing for me. And you’re not a shit person. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I wouldn’t trust you like I do if you were.” Once he realized what his hand was doing, he pulled it out of his sleeve and sat on his hands. “You’re kind of the best friend I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t leave someone like that.” 

[cuntbagzielinski]

He sounded genuine, and that was the worst part of it. With each word Ryan spoke, Cassandra's stomach churned and turned in on itself, she feeling the nausea grow more and more severe. She didn't look at him as she spoke, because she noticed, a while before, that she needed him much more than he needed her. Her tongue licked at her lips and she picked at the sandwich, flicking away the sesame seeds, shooting them into the distance, uncaring. Her face went slack and she shrugged lazily, "Yeah, okay," she muttered, chewing on her lip and glancing up at him-- "S'no big deal. Just. Like you around and shit," she added, correcting herself. "Hunt and Zielinski, national representatives for... Something."

With that, she fell silent, feeling her previous hunger leave her. Cassandra drank as much of the soda as she could in one gulp and stood up abruptly, scratching the back of her head, scratching her arm, just-- god, why was she so itchy? "I--" Cassandra looked around, confused, "Maybe I should go? Just." She sighed, her chest beginning to constrict-- "I think, I," Cassandra laughed a little and shook her head, her hair flying, "Just," she made a dash to the restroom, heart beating out of her chest.

Cassandra slammed the door behind her and laid her body against the back of it, sliding down to the floor, holding her knees to her chest. She felt as if the room was closing in on her and she closed her eyes tightly, burying your face into her knees, words spitting out of her lips, nonsense, whywhywhy couldn't she breathe, why couldn't she, why-- Cassandra's skin began to prickle and she took a big gulp, but it didn't help. Her hands moved into her hair and she pulled and pulled, whimpering, "Fuck-- fuckfuckfuck--"

[original-sarah-manning]

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

It took Ryan a moment to willingly hand over his car keys, but he tossed Cassandra the keys. “I swear to fuck if you crash my baby I will skin you alive.” That car was the first thing that was truly, honestly his and he cherished it, trusting very few people to drive it. Honestly, he didn’t even fully trust Cassandra but he figured she could drive better at this point then he could. She could always handle withdrawals better than he could, and on top of that he was, what some would consider, emotionally compromised, so driving should be in the cards at the moment.

Ryan locked up, they went down stairs and he climbed into the passenger set. He gave Cassandra one more warning about the car before they took off. Even though they hardly did anything in the apartment, every joint in Ryan’s body ached. He put his head back, closed his eyes and tried to fight off the pain. Physical pain wasn’t something he was used to seeing as his choice in poison was painkillers, so every little ache was amplified and triggering. His hands went into his pockets, instinctively searching for some type of pill to pop. When he didn’t find it his mind went to several different places in the car where he could have stashed drugs. He quickly pulled out his phone and turned on a game, keeping his hands busy and his mind occupied. He wasn’t going to relapse already. That would just be a new low. He suggested that they should clean the car out when they get home.

If it had been any other day, Ryan would have been fine in the car with Cassandra, but since he was already in edge, each moved she made made him jump. He had half a mind to make her pull over a few times. In all honesty, she really wasn’t that bad of a driver — he’s seen worse — Ryan was just being a bad passenger. When they got to the restraint, Ryan got out and gave her a look, his face a pit pale. “Don’t drive like that on the way back or you’re never driving my car again.” He closed the door, borderline slamming it before walking into Five Guys. 

[cuntbagzielinski]

She drove as she normally did, speeding and swerving and cutting people off-- God, don't you know how to fucking drive?-- there was no point in making it easier to Ryan-- this was supposed to be hell. That didn't mean she was going to make it harder, no, it just meant... Well, she was going to have a little fun with it. Just because Ryan was flushing his drugs down the drain didn't mean she had to-- she didn't have a problem. Really. Honest. And even if she did, she knew that no one really, actually cared. She was better on the glorious concoction of drugs she was on-- who cared?

It didn't take long to get to the restaurant, and as soon as she reached the passenger side, she spat out a low apology, the guilt creeping over Cassandra as Ryan admonished her. Her shoulders hunched a little and she shrugged the jacket higher, pulling the hood over her head, following close behind Ryan. She chewed on the drawstring of the hoodie, standing near Ryan, looking at the menu-- she ordered quickly, just a cheeseburger, with double the bacon on it thanks-- within minutes she and Ryan were sitting at a booth, starting to eat.

"Listen, Hunt," she pushed her hair out of her face, ripping open the bag and kicking her feet up on the bench before her, "I like. Like you and shit," she muttered, setting up her little eating station, ketchup, fries, and burger, not touching, not yet. "Like. Yeah, I'm. Pretty shitty and stuff," Cassandra shrugged off her jackets and ignored the dull throbbing radiating through her forearms, "Anyway. Don't, like, leave, okay? I won't do stupid shit anymore, 'least not around you, just, like. Don't go?" She suggested, not looking up at him, just grasping at the sandwich and taking a large bite into it, chewing with her mouth open and washing it down with her coke.

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

A side of his lip twitched up, his body trying desperately to smile past the upcoming withdrawals. He had glad to have Cassandra there kicking his ass as she so wonderfully put it. She always said things in a very harsh, unorthodox way, but the day she stopped calling him a ‘faggot’ and making fun of him, he would start to worry. It was her way of showing affection, he was sure of it.

The draws of his dresser were almost clean when Cassandra mentioned food. Ryan wasn’t particularly hungry, not that he ever really was, but he learned by now that he needed to eat, even if he forced it down. People tend to worry when you don’t eat. He took a look at his hands. They weren’t shaking that bad. He’s defiantly driven under worse conditions and to the both extremes of being completely high and completely sober. Sure he was still shaken up by the night before’s events, but he was still working on the bit if drugs and alcohol in his system. He was sure he could drive

“Fine, I’ll get Five Guys, but you’re coming with me. If I go crazy from the withdrawals and crash into the Hudson getting your shitty food, I’m taking your ass down with me.” He said, clearly joking. He would never drive if he knew he couldn’t and he would never put Cassandra in any real danger. Besides, if she got into a car crash, if Ryan wasn’t already dead, Aiden would kill him.

Ryan figured he’d finish up the bedroom then they’d go get food. His bedroom was the one with the most hidden treasures in it; he wanted to get it out of the way first. There were bottles in places he didn’t even think they would be, hidden in the corners of his room and closet. Granted, the majority of them were empty, but it was still the number of them that haunted him. A reminder of how much drugs had come and passed through his system. He tossed all the empty bottles and put the one with content into the bin. He didn’t know what he was going to do with all of the stuff when he was done. Maybe sell them in one last hurrah, or give them all to Cassandra. She would probably have some use for it. Maybe pick of his business. Collage kids popped ADD and ADHD medication like candy. She could make a pretty penny off them. 

[cuntbagzielinski]

Cassandra mocked Ryan, making faces and following along with his words, both behind his back and in front of his face. This boy was her best friend, and oftentimes, the only reason she found herself waking up in the morning. She knew more than she let on, she understood a lot more than people gave her credit for-- Aiden would be fine if she wasn't there (perhaps still in the closet, but that was a ticking time bomb), and Ryan, well, sooner or later he was going to get to this point-- just maybe it would've been a lot messier if she hadn't been there to stop some idiocy from happening.

She threw a smile over at Ryan, winking at him, ignoring the empty feeling in her stomach. Cassandra agreed with him, nodding over and helping out with the bedroom, clearing that out as well as she could, thinking the way she usually did, finding the bottles in the crevices, tossing them into the bin, trying not to be a bad example in front of her best friend.

"So," she said loudly, hopping onto the dresser when they were finally done. Cassandra was at his height at that point, and she pursed her lips, "I'm lookin' for that greasy food, Hunt. You're not getting away from me so easily," she told him with a smile-- she loved him. She could see herself with this idiot for a while. But she knew that she was bad news. For everyone.

"The biggest burger on the menu, I want something bigger than me. Something, that if I took it to some science lab, it could eat me if it mixed with the wrong shit," she said, hopping off and slipping on her shorts and her boots and Aiden's stupid (good smelling) jacket, spinning to look at Ryan. "Come on, the carriage awaits-- gimme your keys, swear I won't steal your car." She paused, rethinking the statement. "No, yeah, I won't steal it-- I'm gettin' my baby back soon." She said, sighing, leading the way through the apartment to the front door. "Chop-chop, Hunt, burgers don't wait for everyone."

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Ryan stopped looking through the drawer and went onto the next keeping his eyes open for those little orange bottles. He froze a bit when she mentioned leaving. Alone was the last thing he wanted to be, but he wouldn’t stop her if she wanted to leave. She was probably right that Aiden was worried and who the hell would want to be around him in a few hours? He was going to be a shaking, puking mess by the time the sun went down. He tossed a bottle into the bin and went down the line. 

“You really don’t have too. I’ve bothered you enough already.” He didn’t know why she stuck around at all.  He tried not to think about how shitty he was. He was trying to get rid of the drugs. He wasn’t like making dinner where you could pick as you worked. He had to get rid of it all and not take another pill. This was for Tony, and fuck, it was for Cassandra too. Maybe if he stopped, he could get her to stop too. She was way too important to loose and at the rate things were going, if no one stopped, they’d both be dead before 25.

He smiled softly when Cassandra told him that he was great. Although he didn’t believe it for a second, it was still nice to hear. He squeezed her hand a bit, reassuring himself that she wasn’t going anywhere. “You can do whatever you want. You can go inside so you don’t have to see me crash and burn.”

Ryan didn’t have many people. Tony and Cassandra and maybe Annalie, and he didn’t even have Tony anymore and Annalie had a lot more friends to worry about. Cassandra was it really and he felt the need to hold onto her like grim death so he wouldn’t drown, but if he was going down, he didn’t want to drag her down with him. If he wasn’t such a selfish bastard, he’d let them all go and just disappear, but he couldn’t. At this point, he was too scared to let go and he hated himself for it. 

[cuntbagzielinski]

Standing there next to him was harder than helping, she thought. Watching him going through it all, watching him pick himself up was almost forboding, in a selfish way, and she was, horribly so, sad to see this happen. Though all she wanted was for him to be happy, a part of her hated that he was doing this, that he was doing this all for some guy (so what if they had history, why couldn't she be enough, why couldn't he be happy with just her--) Cassandra cleared her throat and gave Ryan a big smile, elbowing him. "Chill out, slut," she told him, scrunching her nose up at him, a half-smile on her lips. "You always bother me, but you don't see me leaving, now do you?" She joked.

Her eyes fell and she looked to the drawer, grasping a bottle and twirling it in her hand, tossing it up and listening to the pills within, catching it easily. "Y'know, I can take some off your haaaand..." She smirked, tossing it behind her and hearing it land in the bin. "Thing is, seeing you crash and burn? It's a bit of a guilty pleasure," she said, tone joking, "C'mon, Hunt. I've seen ya lower than this, what kind of friend would I be if I just left you here to cry like a fuckin' baby?" She asked him, eyeing him, glaring and pointing her finger right at him-- "A shit one."

With that, she turned to the furniture again. "This is gunna take a while," she muttered, and as if on queue, her stomach growled. "We're gunna have to hurry this up, because I've got an appointment with you buying me breakfast, Hunt." Cassandra looked to him and winked, tossing another bottle into the bin and fist pumping, mouthing 'ten points' as she turned around and walked to the doorway, "I'll get myself started in your kitchen, babe." She could already feel her own withdrawals kicking in, and she definitely didn't want Ryan having to deal with that. "You're getting me the most greasy, nasty thing you can think of-- I'm talkin' like some Five Guys shit-- you're getting into that ASAP. mother fucker." She was definitely popping something soon enough.

[magalimrgrt]

“Cutting” → Little Birds, Elgin James.

[cuntbagzielinski]

set alight and exhale // ryan&cass

[huntingryan]

Ryan jumped slightly when he heard Cassandra’s voice but then relaxed. “Thanks for that by the way.” He said, his voice still quiet. He felt it he talked too loud, he’d end up throwing up, so he kept his voice down. She was close enough to hear him. Her arms wrapped around his middle, he pulled his hands out of the draw and put them over Cassandra’s not saying anything. It was pretty obvious what he was doing – throwing out his life’s blood. Destroying himself on the slim chance that Tony might forgive him. Being totally pathetic. Any one of those was an acceptable answer He just turned around, gave her a hug and a kiss on the top of the head.

She was so tiny. Five foot two. The most fucked up little bundle of dynamite he’s ever met and the most important person in the world. She was keeping him grounded when he wanted to let go. He gave her a squeeze and another kiss on the forehead. She meant more to him then she’d ever know. Everyone either treated him like a dog or walked out on him (with good reason) but she was still there. Nothing he could do could be enough to repay her.

“You can go back to sleep. Or I can make you something to eat.” He didn’t want her to have to help him. He would have told her she could have gone home if he didn’t need her so much. He let her go and went back to the draw. “You can watch TV or something. I got Netflix if you wanna do that.” 

[cuntbagzielinski]

She sighed in annoyance as Ryan's lips touched her forehead-- a reminder of how small she was in comparison to him, which she very much didn't need. Cassandra's eyes narrowed up at him and she glared, making the universal I'm watching you sign before looking into what he was doing, already knowing, all-too familiar with it.

Ryan spoke, but she didn't really pay attention. "Hm?" She said, pulling her eyes away from the drawers, looking up at him, head tilted slightly to the side. Green met green and she smirked, looking down at their feet. Her hips swung and she bumped hips with him, shaking her head-- "Nah. M'good," she muttered, scratching the back of her head and clearing her throat. "Do ya-- I don't gotta stay, if you don't want." Really, who would? She wasn't a help, not really.

"I can go. M'sure, like, Aiden's worried or something. Well-- he's always worried, but that comes with that faggoty territory." Cassandra said, smile on her face. Outside, she could hear birds chirping and cars honking, and she let that take over for a second, the sounds of the city, her home (she guessed), the only thing that she would ever really think constant in her life. People came and went. At least the city was constant.

"I can help," she said, pulling herself from her daze, looking from the window back to Ryan, pinkness spreading over her cheeks-- she was embarrassed. "Uh, like, I guess I can. Jesus fuckin' knows you need someone to beat you up, just in case," she saved it, winking, grasping at a bottle and tossing it up, catching it easily-- her palm itched and she ignored it, she could ignore it, just a few hours, a little while, and she'd be fine.

Clearing her throat once more, she looked to Ryan's hands and licked her lips, putting the bottle down and setting her hand on his, squeezing it as best she could, her hands tiny in comparison. "You're not a piece of shit, trust me," her voice was soft and could've been described as gentle, if that wouldn't have warranted a punch or two from Cassandra herself. "The people I hang with aren't bad. They're kinda great, y'know?" She cracked a smile, her fingers weaving with Ryan's, their palms together. "Not leaving any time soon, Hunt. I can chill here, or I can sit in the living room, your choice, faggot." Cassandra took a breath and looked down at their hands, inspecting them from afar, not moving them much, letting them hang between them, a silent reminder that she truly wasn't going anywhere.

She'd had people disappear on her before. She'd been ripped into pieces and hollowed out over the course of her life, and all too often, she thought of herself as a weak shell of what she once was-- but she didn't like to give them that much credit. Cassandra was alive to prove people wrong, and just because that was all that had her going (most days, that wasn't even enough), she couldn't give up. Not yet. Not with Ryan being such a shithead (her shithead) or Aiden being such a blubbering tool (her blubbering tool).

Eventually, though. One day. Soon.