go away

[cursedragons78]

"but it seems to me that once you begin a gesture it's fatal not to go through with it"

[cursedragons78]

also michael and i had a huge fight yesterday in which i realized i’m an angry kid and i really wish i was nice but then my actions don’t correspond with what i actually want and i also don’t talk about small stuff but small stuff builds up hard

and i’m just really sorry to michael b/c my brain is so good at storing up stuff and making myself angry but internally

i mean i was aware of it before but jfc it’s a lot bigger of a deal than i thought it was

he’s a really good boyfriend and i only wish i felt some sort of progress in my maturing but it feels very 2 steps forward 1.9 steps back

[cursedragons78]

also reflecting on my own brain memory capacities i think several things

1) my memory sucks fucking dick so i gotta work harder and try to write more stuff down or take more pictures or somethng because i cannot rely on this hardware

2) i figure that it’s kinda balanced out somehow; i like to think i have really fast processing (although it often trips over itself or messes up it;s ok) and small hardware space

3) tbh i don’t rlly mind because memorizing isn’t really as highly valued anymore -- meaning i can get away w my shitty memory 

4) and also that since i dont practice it as much in modern society it probably could be better but it just isn’t... so i’m not actually this doodoo at remembering shit, but there’s no reason to practice hard storage

5) i like the big picture and general feel anyways

6) maybe it helps me deal w trauma or bad stuff tbh because i forget about it really easily (although the effects stay!!!!!!!!!! always!! i’m not delusional about its effects on me)

[cursedragons78]

also i like scenes whenever characters see a parallel in an “evil” character and think “wow that could’ve been me” and then they struggle to see how they’re the good guy and how thy’re different from the bad side

and some bro or cool wise person comes along and explains nah man

i’m the bro or cool wise person

[cursedragons78]

i’d like to believe that being nice isn’t about how you are and what you actually think but how you present yourself and the actions you choose

it makes me feel better about myself because i am annoyed by everything to an unfair and irrational extent

i guess i can help getting annoyed, or practice not getting annoyed but right now i’m just annoyed

does anybody say that? nice actions speak louder than how pissed you secretly are on the inside

do actually nice people get as pissed as other people

the part in harry potter resounds w me a lot, where he’s getting sorted by the Sorting Hat and he says “not slytherin” and later dumbledoop is like “hey man u coulda been slytherin but what’s important is that you said no to it”

blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh smelly people and vibrating phones and phone apps that crash

[cursedragons78]

i dunno man it’s just really not my thing to be bitter

don’t push your bitter onto me

even if it’s a good agenda you’re pushing or w good intentions, you’re still pushing an agenda..

and one i really don't wanna hear

[cursedragons78]

i'm just a kid i'm selfish!!!! but trying to be nice it's hard not to see nice as compromising; also i hate compromising but they're not the same thing so i shouldn't take doing things for other people so personally

[cursedragons78]

all those angry kids on the internet don't have anywhere else to dump their anger take it for them, ye stranger

[cursedragons78]

michael and i were watching naruto yesterday and naruto was meeting the demon fox within him for the first time and my stomach kept growling for like three minutes constantly and he patted it and said “you must have a demon fox too”

on an “unrelated” note i have been farting excessively since then, letting my demon fox out in small bursts

[cursedragons78]

tfw ur teacher loves u and tells u ur paper is generally good as in u boutta get an a i'm gonna ask this dude for a rec letter eventually i hope he remembers me

[cursedragons78]

i had a dream i visited colorado w like my girl scout group w my mom supervising it turned into lc traveling we went toba soccer game and it was fucking huuuge w lotsa team spirit and we went to a cAndy store and a cute thing store and chinatown we found some mountains blah blah it was annoying cause i had to do the finding of stuff to do it was also mon-thurs so i missed a lot of school so i asked michael to take me back home and we went a little bit before everyone was like wtf why r u going home already and then i made michael turn back and i met up w gsu and others at some kinda bar where there were other chs alumni idg this pattern of gsu w other friends but we all got lunch the next day and told each other some drama it was good but i need to not get frustrated over yane stuff even in my dreams i get annoyed w responsibility

[cursedragons78]

fishing in the keep of silence by linda gregg //

There is a hush now while the hills rise up and God is going to sleep. He trusts the ship of Heaven to take over and proceed beautifully as he lies dreaming in the lap of the world. He knows the owls will guard the sweetness of the soul in their massive keep of silence, looking out with eyes open or closed over the length of Tomales Bay that the egrets conform to, whitely broad in flight, white and slim in standing. God, who thinks about poetry all the time, breathes happily as He repeats to Himself: there are fish in the net, lots of fish this time in the net of the heart.

[cursedragons78]

hey man an adjective to describe me is RADIANT!!!!

when i am in a good mood which i “try” to be in all the time (but obv i can not do) 

i try to SRPEAD and SHARE my light!!!!!! everyone feels light!!! step outta dem shadows

(

i can’t believe how gloomy stuff was when i first started at de anza

an overall filter of gloom and poopy lots of diarrhea grossness

i’m rlly good now even tho i have bad times; my base happiness level is basically higher

)

gotta keep going

talking about good stuff is good!! goooood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

i think that i could do more macro-level stuff, what with volunteering and blah blah blah but i think on a micro-level, in every interaction i try to make a positive impact everywhere i go

:-)

idk why i still get nervous... and i used to not get red, either... i don’t get it... i’ll just work on slowing down to prevent tripping over myself..

[cursedragons78]

the world we live in you can say “mango is the goat” and it’ll make sense to lotsa people

After the Argument / By stephen dunn

Whoever spoke first would lose something, that was the stupid unspoken rule.

The stillness would be a clamor, a capo on a nerve. He’d stare out the window,

she’d put away dishes, anything for some noise. They’d sleep in different rooms.

The trick was to speak as if you hadn’t spoken, a comment so incidental

it wouldn’t be counted as speech. Or to touch while passing, an accident

of clothing, billowy sleeve against rolled-up cuff. They couldn’t stand hating

each other for more than one day. Each knew this, each knew the other’s body

would begin to lean, the voice yearn for the familiar confluence of breath and syllable.

When? Who first? It was Yalta, always on some level the future, the next time.

This time there was a cardinal on the bird feeder; one of them was shameless enough to say so, the other pleased

to agree. And their sex was a knot untying itself, a prolonged coming loose.

[cursedragons78]

i'm a delicious steamed bun i'm quite settled in as long as it feels like i am in control of my surroundings i need to learn not to tilt, it's real we did a good thing getting this beautiful cat i'm a yam my eyes r burning i wonder how different i'll look

[cursedragons78]

but on the real i really do have a weird thing in terms of self image idk why i randomly get nervous because i think i'm pretty happy w myself i just dont wanna be awkward and maybe its a little frustrating that theres that dis____ between my idea of myself and how i present myself at first bc i'm nervous anyways! i think i'm pretty great and i mean it when i say i feel bad for the boys (and future boys?) who i leave because i'm like.... an amazing girlfriend good luck lol also why i'm not really the jealous type because like.... well i mean a lot plays into that; specifically with boys it's like um i'm literally the best and an angel so you wouldn't even think about fucking up (◡‿◡✿) also michael is a good bean i've said this in chat before but i wanted to restate it for myself :-) bleh

[cursedragons78]

my intuition is always in tip-top shape! i'll always keep it sharp :-) basically just smart guessing