I CAN ONLY SEE YOU

There's a lot more to people than meets the eye. Jang Dongwoo.

[cvrglaff-blog]

VISIT

[jongdayofthedead]

Jongdae can’t help but smile at the other’s words. Some time. That inferred he’d like to meet up again. Which sorta of meant he wasn’t bad at making friends nor a lonely hermit. He felt a million times better, knowing someone at least wouldn’t think he’s crazy.

“Yeah. Another time.” He said with a small smile, though it felt huge inside of him.

He nods along with the other’s statement. He understood that point. Death and crime was a horrible thing and he usually tried to avoid people associated with them a lot too. It just was way too much to deal with. He means to reply but with the call of his name, Jongdae seems to deflate.

In the conversation they were having, he had forgotten he was here to get dissected by a doctor. He let’s out a heaving sigh, standing up before stopping and looking at the other.

“Give me your line account. I’ll add you on there!” He said quickly. It was a compromise. Asking for his phone number seemed too personal, but asking for an email seemed too business. But line was a casual app that gave him a chance to talk, but not make the other feel committed to.

“You don’t have to but…” He said, suddenly a bit apprehensive. Was that maybe too forward? Maybe he should just go. He might have been reading the other’s cues wrong. A small flush came to his ears as a sign of embarrassment.

[cvrglaff-blog]

He’s a bit surprised at the sudden request, but knows better than to keep the doctor waiting. So he turns to the backpack he’d left unattended on the floor next to him. Wrinkled, dyed denim straightens out under his fingers as he unzips and feels around in it. There are a lot of miscellaneous items inside, none as important as the paper he’s looking for now.

It takes a moment to realize that his notebook isn’t actually inside. So instead, he has to settle for a crumpled up receipt from a 7-11 down the road. He doesn’t remember what he bought until he pulls it out to inspect it - it was a pack of gum and a water bottle - but it’s as inconsequential as everything else until he finds a pen to go with it.

As quickly as he can, he scribbles out his preferred username - cvrglaff - onto the back. It’s another second before he decides it’s legible and he offers it to the other.

“I don’t usually check it, but if you message me I’ll try to respond as soon as possible.”

He offers another kind smile and now it’s time to withdraw into himself. The conversation has come to near close, and there’s nothing more to do on his own than to anticipate the impending conversation with the professional judge of his character.

“If you want to chat or complain or anything, I’m usually available.”

[cvrglaff-blog]

VISIT

[jongdayofthedead]

“Oh.” Jongdae remarked at the explanation, leaning back in his chair. While it would make sense, it didn’t feel right. He could feel that the other was different. It just felt that way. Usually when he encountered people with disorders, they didn’t give off the same feeling. Maybe Jongdae was sensing how the man was sensitive in a different manner. 

He folds his hands in his lap, to prevent them from fidgeting any more. He didn’t want to seem hyper active. He already made himself to be a bit of a weirdo, he didn’t need him to see as weird in another way as well. He slipped his fingers together, urging them to stop twitching as he looked at the other. 

He listened with rapt attention as the other explained his condition before he burst into laughter at the mention of ghostliness. “Well, I’m not offended but the ghosts don’t all appear the same…” He murmurs before crossing his arm across his chest and rubbing his opposite shoulder, almost as if he felt a ghostly touch there and was rubbing it away. 

“Ah…” Jongdae regarded with a smile, lifting a brow. “Well, you’d be a hell of a detective I bet. You could know all the questions to make someone break and tell the truth, huh?” He laughed and scratched his head. “That was nerve wracking. Who knew people could do stuff like that? 

Well, now he was invested.

He leaned forward and smiled wider. “So tell me, is there anything more to it than that?” 

[cvrglaff-blog]

He smiles a little at the response. Of course ghosts don’t appear the same - people don’t look the same, animals don’t look the same, etc. He should’ve guessed as much. But for the most part, he doesn’t really regret his choice of words. His spectres look similar to the Hollywood spirits of modern media. He’s just glad he doesn’t actually have to see the real deal.

He feels a little bad for his new friend.

“My bad. Maybe you could describe them for me, some time.”

He doesn’t make mention of the fact that if this session doesn’t go well, he probably won’t be returning. If they don’t end up here together again, there’s little chance they’ll ever see each other.

“Probably not.” The smile turns a little wry and he stares at his feet. “I’m not that interested in crime.”

He’s about to formulate a more articulate response when he hears the door off to the side of the room swing open and the secretary calls out “Jongdae.”

As they’re the only ones in the room, he assumes that his friend is the one that’s up to bat.

“Guess it’s you. Good luck.”

He gives a reassuring thumbs up and sits back, resigning himself to a long wait alone.

[cvrglaff-blog]

VISIT

[jongdayofthedead]

The way the other looked at him, it almost left him feeling exposed. Open. Like he could see what he felt inside and how he wanted to react in reality. He shifted uncomfortably in the chair and licked his lips gently. What a peculiar feeling. He had not often felt so scrutinized by someone, and without ill intentions or judgement. He was just looking.

He finds himself looking, how brows furrowed as he watches the other now. He could see the energy he never really tried to see. Past figures, but he was focused in the present. He slowly let his eyes go up and down the man. Who was he?

“Ah… I see.” He says, nodding and pursing his lips. He had never heard of schizoaffective, but then agaun, he never looked into stuff like that. He avoided pychologly. He had always told himself it was just a cop out of science but… Maybe he really should look into it. “What does schizoaffective me? Like you are schizophrenicaly affected?”

His eyes go wide at the other’s next statement. He always knew ghosts were real, so why wouldn’t the alive version of one be something people see. His eyes follow the other’s trail to the plant and he stares at it.

“Living… Things? Like what… Are they like? Are they… Frightening? Or more… normal?” He asks gently as he folds his hands in his lap and then looks behind the counter, his eyes trained on the nurses as they walk back and forth. Curiosity has him now.

He wanted to know this other man. He wanted to understand him. Like he was trying to understand himself. Maybe even… Make a friend. The smile that wormed his way into his lips at this thought.

[cvrglaff-blog]

The washed-out image of his new companion changes slightly as their conversation progresses. There’s a palpable shift as loneliness takes on a more hopeful edge. He wants something that maybe Dongwoo is willing to give - friendship.

Today is turning out to be a very strange day.

“I actually had to look it up on the internet a while ago and mostly it just says a bunch of technical stuff. The gist is that it’s supposed to be a disorder where you have the hallucinations you get from schizophrenia but they don’t go away when your manic period is over.” There’s definitely more to it than that, but that’s all he remembers (or cares to tell anyone, anyway).

He wants out look out the window, maybe hear a bird sing, but there are no escapes to the outside world here - they’re too deep inside the building.

There’s never really been a good way to describe the things that he sees. He’s only ever tried once - in his last session with a psychiatrist - and it didn’t go over very well. It’s what landed him with this diagnosis. But he’ll try again.

“They’re only frightening if the person they represent is like that on the inside. Mostly they’re more... normal? It’s like looking at someone’s reflection in a foggy mirror or something. Like...” He fidgets, taps his leg. “I can see you right here, clear as day, but right behind you I see you again, just... Pardon the expression, but that you looks more like a ghost.”

Maybe he cracks a little smile.

“And the you that isn’t really here is what I would call your shadow. It’s more forthcoming about who you are. It shows me what you’re feeling right now.” It’s a tough explanation - especially since most people would consider it a privacy violation. “Sometimes, when people tell very big lies, their shadows talk and say what they’re really thinking. Mostly I just get feelings that kind of... resonate outward.”

It’s a lot to take in, so he stops and he waits for his companion to catch up. He leans forward in his chair, unable to keep still, but wanting to keep his energy contained.

[cvrglaff-blog]

VISIT

[cvrglaff-blog]

jongdaeofthedead:

The wait between his answer and the other’s response was excruciating. Why had he said that? Honestly, it sounded as crazy as he felt. He hated these places, he always felt like he was under the mircroscope, that a disorder would be the end all cure his ‘hallucinations’. They wouldn’t. But they still looked at him like he was crazy.

He felt anger flare in his chest as the first few chuckles finally escaped the stranger. He cheeks flushed red and he felt pinpricks in his eyes. Of course he’d laugh. He sounded crazy. He should have just-

And then the stranger was agreeing with him. His head lifted and he stared at him, lips dropped open in a surprised expression. He blinked slowly, almost like he was unable to process that words from his mouth.

He nods dumbly before he closes his mouth and leans back as well, his voice dropping as he finds himself nervously playing wth his pants. “U-Uh. Yeah. Not many around Seoul. I guess… But it’s a big city… Yeah um.” He coughed a bit and scratched his cheek.

“What about you? I revealed my big secret, how about you? They got you in here for pycho therapy?” He asks, trying to draw the attention off himself. While in most cases, he doesn’t shy or run away from these types of conversations outside the doctors office, he became more aware of himself while in here. He didn’t like the cold, sterile walls. Not while ghosts were ten times more likely to attack him here.

But he also felt curious. What kind of person believes that someone is a medium when they met at their therapists office? Not even he would believe someone in here right away, yet this guy did? He felt somewhat suspicious, but at the same time, he was desperate for companionship.

There’s obvious relief in the other’s face as he responds and it’s interesting to watch the shift in emotions. One takes his expression, and then another, and then another in such a quick succession that it’s almost like watching a living piece of art. It’s always been that way when he looks at people.

When he sees this guy, he sees his true self in the next seat over. Like most people, he’s scared - it’s hard to tell of what, though. Being alone? Being rejected? Those are the most common, very subtly different from each other. He’s lonely.

Dongwoo sees a lot of himself in this guy. A few years ago, he was the same way. It’s been a slow process, coming into himself. But it’s different for everyone, especially if you’ve got someone there to lend you a hand.

“Not that I’m aware of, but that’s also not a bad possibility.” Especially if he decides to actually open up during his appointment. “On the books, I’m schizoaffective. Off the books... they just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He takes a breath, let’s out a little sigh as his eyes trail off to some potted plant in the corner of the room. The intention when putting it there was probably to make the space more friendly, or less daunting, but the effect was not what was desired. He feels more distant than ever.

“It’s kind of hard to explain, but I see things. Kind of like what you see, I guess, but also very different. It has more to do with the living than the dead.”

[cvrglaff-blog]

VISIT

[jongdayofthedead]

Jongdae was playing around in his phone. Who didn’t lately? When bored, your hands always seemed to find the little device at your side. Nobody needs to know you have it off as you play on the blank screen. It’s easier than dealing with others or looking desperate as you read magazines. Jongdae wasn’t really wanting to talk to anyone really, but he wouldn’t shy from most conversation.

He just didn’t really feel any trust for people in doctor’s offices. So he raises his head as he’s spoken to, and usually he’d just shrug to someone in this eviroment, but today?

Today he’s annoyed. His face changes into one and bitter smugness as he sits back a bit. He shrugs a bit and scoffs. “Depends on which story you want to hear. Their story-” He jerked his thumb towards the nurse at the counter. “Or mine, and let me say at least mine is less dumb.”

He gently slips his dead phone into his pocket and gives a sad smile. “They say I had a nervous breakdown because of a large class load and being in a new town. But the truth? A damn ghost came in class with a kid and when I tried to avoid paying attention to it, it went at me, made me freak, and then I started to shout the excorsim chant to send it away. Everyone was sure I totally snapped.”

He shrugged again and reached down for his phone again, his cheeks and ears turning red with shame. He shouldn’t have spoken. The other probably thought he was crazy. That he belonged here. Maybe he did. Jongdae really didn’t trust himself anymore when he came to these places.

[cvrglaff-blog]

It’s so long between the question and the response that he almost doesn’t expect an answer at all. It would’ve been okay, having been written off as a stranger and, well, strange in general, but this is a commitment he hadn’t expected.

It’s hard not to laugh at the image of this guy, this random guy, yelling at the rest of his class in Latin. So he doesn’t really try to cover it up; he chuckles openly and leans further back in his chair. The fabric is stiff and he can’t get comfortable.

“You’re right, yours is less dumb.” He smiles. “You can see ghosts?”

To anyone else, this would probably be a skeptical, if not jestingly asked question. Everyone’s seen all the cheesy horror movies, and hardly anyone actually believes in them. But to Dongwoo?

It’s not any more ludicrous than what he sees in people.

There are some things in this world that can’t actually be fully hidden or swept away by time, and why shouldn’t someone’s soul be one of them? Why is it impossible for that kind of intangible energy to linger when someone’s physical form deteriorates? For some, it presents only a harsh truth, something that they wouldn’t be able to face. So they don’t believe.

For others, it’s only one other option in the afterlife sweepstakes.

“That’s pretty cool, actually. I haven’t known a - what would you call it? I haven’t known a medium before. Not so common around here.”

[cvrglaff-blog]

VISIT

When you sit in the doctor’s office, most of what you think about is related to the things you think he’s going to ask, and what you think you’re going to answer. There are a lot of possible combinations - and all of them will be rendered completely meaningless as soon as you enter the room.

The psychiatrist always has different questions on their own mind - questions you don’t necessarily want to answer. And it’s always in some cold, clinical manner that makes you squirm in your cushy chair.

The waiting room is the worst because you know that he knows you’re there, and he knows that you know that he knows, but there’s always a gap. There’s always that long pause where he might be with another patient or he might be playing Solitaire on his computer. You can’t know - all you can do is think.

Very seldom will you find someone else around your own age adjacent to you in such a waiting room, and even more rare will you find yourself speaking to them. It’s easier to deal with your own feelings in silence, isn’t it?

He eyes his neighbor wearily, tired already of this day, despite it being a long time coming.

“What’re you in for?”

[purplegirl-stuff]

[cvrglaff-blog]

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