social casualty

cosmo ryan. nineteen. i'm gonna [ t r a d e ] this [ l i f e ] for fortune & fame i'd even cut my hair and change my name

[cxsmoryan-blog]

She watched him carefully – watched him rise from the couch and come towards her. In her head, he would grab her up into his arms and kiss her on the lips and carry her out of the room… but this was reality; so she inhaled deeply and returning his gorgeous smile before she meandered out of the room in front of him and motioned for him to close the door behind him. The girl had snatched up her Converse before exiting the dressing room and she carried them by the laces, swinging them gently at her side while she mad her way to the end of the hall. “D’you think the boys are in there? You should go first – if they’re naked I definitely don’t want to open it. You’ve probably seen them all naked before though so it doesn’t matter for you,” she laughed, gently whispering the words to him outside of the door that was plastered with the band’s name. Without another word, she moved and sat down against the opposite wall, her back pressed to it, gone to work at putting on her shoes – engrossed by the mediocre task at hand. Her hair fell in her eyes, she let it, she made two loops out of the laces and just knotted them together – having never been taught how to properly tie shoes… it was embarrassing. Emilee didn’t look up to check, but she was hoping that Cosmo hadn’t noticed her ridiculous little way of knotting her laces together. 

Cosmo followed his best friend out of the room, noticing her movement to him, telling him to close the door, and he did so, turning around again to walk behind her. A small smile grew in his lips as the girl talked, once they were in front of the band’s changing room, chuckling along with Emilee when she stopped talking. “I have, more times than I would’ve liked,” he laughed, half serious half joking, to then open the door and go inside, looking around to check if there was anybody inside. “Guys?” he called, wanting to make sure of the emptiness of the room. But nobody answered, so he turned around, holding the door open with his hand. He was for some seconds quiet, looking at her tying her shoe laces, smiling at the way she did so. It was cute to him, the singer not realizing it was embarrasing for Emilee. “I can call my four year old niece so she teaches you to lace ‘em up,” the blond joked, signaling her Converse with his eyes. “The coast is clear,” he announced. “No dicks around... No pun intended,” Cosmo added with a small grin, laughing at his own words as he had meant ‘dicks’ as a way to call his bandmates.  “C’mon, Midget,” he called, leaning on the door so the female could walk into the room.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

The atmosphere in the room was ethereal – suspended in a quiescent other reality where they were the only two people in existence. She looked at him, and he looked at her, and she saw starlight in his eyes and wondered if she would ever know what he saw in hers. His laugh caused her to smile and she wrinkled up her small nose at him as she squeezed his hands once and then let go and gracefully, but reluctantly, constructed a barrier of space between their bodies and between their hearts. “I don’t need luck – I’ve got skill,” the girl uttered as she flashed a smile at him and drew herself up languidly from the comfort of the couch and the comfort of resting at Cosmo’s side. “Let me change really quick – oh, wait, can I borrow one of your hoodies instead? I know it’s gonna be cold, and I don’t have a jacket here,” Emilee asked, chewing absentmindedly on her lower lip as she tugged at the high waist of her black skinny jeans. If she just put a hoodie on over what she was wearing now and grabbed her worn out maroon Converse in place of the heels she’d just removed – she’d be good to go. Then she’d have to dress him up in another hoodie and a baseball cap and sunglasses and hope that if she stood in front of him a lot that nobody would recognize him. The only problem with that theory was that their height difference put her a good foot below him, and he was always leaning down to talk to her, always looked her in the eyes when they spoke, called her Emmy often and with feeling. Her heart beat loudly in her chest at the thoughts swimming around around in her head and she begged it to quiet down by taking a deep breath. 

Cosmo had to force himself to take his eyes from hers, starting to feel the kind of nervous that only she could make him feel. His smile grew even more on his lips when she wrinkled up her nose, thinking about how damn cute she looked when she did that. He always had to retain himself from telling her every single time she did it, because friends don’t tell each other everyday how adorable they look. He, as a friend, as her best friend, couldn’t tell Emilee how beautiful he found her as much as he wanted. Because friends compliment other friends, sure, but he shouldn’t tell her how he felt the urge to kiss her for ages when she smiled at him; or how her eyes were the only thing that could made him feel less homesick while being on tour; or how her voice could calm him down anytime; or how everytime she pulled a silly face, he was reminded of that he loved her as much more than a best friend, but was too afraid to admit it. Because friends didn’t love her like he did, but he was only that to her. The singer woke from his daydreaming as she talked and got up. “Uh, yes, of course,” he nodded, watching her from his place at the couch before getting up and walking her way. “I think I have some in our changing room,” Cosmo announced, signaling with his head to the door as gave the last step to reach her, standing next to Emilee and sweetly smiling at her.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

That’s what friends do. That… is what friends do. Emilee bit her lower lip and gave a gentle nod, avoiding his gaze. Every time she thought they got closer, they took ten steps back. It was a vicious cycle that they were trapped in. On her end, she knew how she felt and what she wanted – but she didn’t know what was on his mind. She had never been the most popular kid, never attracted a lot of attention to herself from girls or guys or… anyone. The girl’s heart fluttered when he ran his thumb across the back of her hand in small circles, a soothing motion that caused her skin to tingle with tiny volts of electricity. She looked down at their intertwined hands and when her gaze lingered for a moment too long, her round cheeks begin to turn a rosy shade of pink and she did her best to hide her face from him with graceful insouciance. He spoke then, for which she was grateful, and she was glad that the attention was not on her anymore. “I wouldn’t need to dress up – people don’t recognize me like they recognize you,” she remarked thoughtfully as she leaned against him and placed her head on his shoulder. Friends… friends didn’t do this. Just friendship didn’t feel like this. Baby steps. “But for the record, I look damn good in a mustache,” the girl giggled softly and pressed her nose to his broad shoulder, looking up at him from beneath a rim of thick, black lashes. “I like ice skating a lot. I’m actually pretty decent at it!” The girl uttered after lifting her head so that her chin was resting on his shoulder, her eyes still on him, her hands still in his. “I’ll teach you how to be great like me.”

It had actually hurted Cosmo to say the sentence. Because he had to pretend he was just friends with Emilee, when it was known by everybody that that wasn’t exactly true. By everybody but her. Or maybe she knew but she didn’t want to have nothing to do with him apart from being best friends, and that was what scared the teenager so much. What if she knew and she didn’t feel the same about him. He would have no chance then, he was just that. A friend. But he’d rather have her as a friend than scare her and lose her. He just couldn’t bear with it, not even the thought of it. Cosmo felt his heartbeat raising as she leaned on him. It had happened a thousand times, but he wouldn’t get used to her being so close to him. And he’d have to remind himself that all they had was a strong, beautiful friendship. Beautiful, sure. But still not what Cosmo desired. Chuckles left his mouth with her statement, and he looked down on her when she pressed her nose against him. “I bet you do,” he laughed. When Emilee lifted her head and rested her chin on his broad shoulder, he didn’t back up, not even moved a bit, although their faces were much closer then and the boy felt as if suddenly all of his body was burning due to their nearness. “Good luck with that,” he said grinning, as it was known that he was not only kind of awkward when it came to talking and social relationships, but clumsy in general.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

When he laughed at her, she placed her small hands on her small hips and made a face at him – shaking her head. Her hair fell into her eyes a bit, caused her to lift her hands from her waist to use them to brush the hair out of her eyes. “You say that like it isn’t true! I’d do anything to protect you, Coz,” she remarked pointedly, moving to him and falling gracefully onto the couch at his side. Her eyes wandered over to meet his and then she reached out to take his hands in hers. “Where do we go, then? Bowling, ice skating, laser tag, arcade?” Emilee rattled off things she knew to do in the general area outside of the venue they were currently inside. “We’ll have to walk, or take public transport. All good – I have pepper spray. Just stand behind me and you’ll be fine,” she giggled gently, squeezing his hands in hers an grinning widely at the comedic boy at her side. Her best friend in the whole world. Honestly, Emilee has never felt as close to anyone as she feels to Cosmo. Despite having only been together for a few months, the two had fast become friends. She wasn’t a big believer in coincidence, she she attributed their meeting to fate and wouldn’t be convinced otherwise. He always said what she was thinking before he had the chance to say it himself. He knew her entire Taco Bell order, and her middle name, and her guilty pleasure TV shows. He was the only person to have ever cared about her this much.

“I know you would, and I’d do the same for you,” he said as he saw her coming his way to sit next to him. “That’s what friends do,” Cosmo added trying to make it up to the ‘date mistake’ he had done before, hoping he wouldn’t sound too forced or sad while saying that. He let her take his hands in hers and he started rubbing hers with his thumb. The singer listened to Emilee listing the things they could do or places they could go, smiling and letting a chuckle go when she mentioned the pepper spray. “Or we could dress up,” he suggested. “I’ve just imagined you with a wig and a moustache and now I have to see that happen,” the blond laughed just at the thought. “Anyway, I think I’m going to chose ice skating?” he picked. “I’m horrible at it but at least we’ll have a laugh,” Cosmo grinned. He kept to himself that the other reason he had chosen the second option was that he would be able to hold her hand for quite some time, and obviously a lot of hugging would be involved.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

Date. He had said it, not her. She shied away from him then, but she couldn’t help but notice the edge of hopefulness in his voice. Perhaps she’d made it up because it was what she wanted to hear – what she wanted to be true. As the air conditioner turned on in the room, Emilee shivered and pulled away from him, catching his hand in hers and navigating him towards the couch. “I just want to go out. We never get to go out alone,” she remarked as she ran a hand through her hair and meandered over to the large mirror in the room. Her eyes fluttered closed and she took a deep breath before she turned over her shoulder to face him  as she began taking off her heels. “I mean… Alone, together. Just… just you and me,” she knew what she was hinting at, she knew what she was getting to, but she still danced delicately around the actual subject for the fear of losing him as a friend because of her own selfish desires to have him as more; and she couldn’t quite handle the thought of him being gone from her life. As she slipped off the second black pump she bit her lip, tossing it aside and rifling through the small bag of clothes she’d brought into the room. “I don’t wanna bring along security either, it’ll ruin it. Plus.. I’m definitely kick-ass enough to protect you from the millions of screaming fan girls who want a piece of you,” she smiled slyly up at him, gazing into his eyes.

Cosmo almost hit himself when she pulled away from him. He had just ruined it, or almost did, or at least that was what he felt when she took a step back. Cursing in his mind, he followed the girl when she guided him to the couch, listening to her and what she had to say. The singer felt his heartbeat raising as Emilee repeated her own words, specifying that she wanted just the both of them to hang out. He didn’t know if he was more confused or happy to hear her say that. Hadn’t she just separated from him when he mentioned the word ‘date’? But what she was describing then sounded like a date for him. Or maybe he was just hopelessly imagining things and she meant that she wanted them to go out as just friends, as they had been doing for the past months. A grin slipped into his face, letting a chuckle go from his mouth, biting down on his lower lip and playing with his piercing, as he used to do when he felt nervous, excited or really happy. Or, in that case, the three of them. “Sure, a 5′2′’ midget can totally protect a 6′4′’ giant clumsy dork from anything,” he teased. “Specially from a bunch of teenagers.” His attitude was mocking but still slightly shy, a dreamy smile and two sparkling blue eyes decorating his faintly flushed face.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

When Cosmo spoke, Emilee turned her head and glared at him as menacingly as she possibly could. “Get bent, Coz!” She shouted as she stuck her tongue out at him and then spun out of the grasp of the two band mates. Her heels clicked along the backstage floor as she walked through the small crowd and ran her fingers through her hair, shaking out her long brunette locks before she reached the door that led into the area where the dressing rooms were. Hers was the closest to the front, and the boys’ dressing room was all the way at the opposite end of the hall. She figured she’d go back inside, gather up her things, change into her black and white striped cotton dress, and then venture back onto the tour bus. It was a routine, but nights like these she wanted to put on a disguise and go out and be normal for a moment. Granted, Emilee herself was not that popular, but her fan base was definitely growing thanks to her spot on the tour and undoubtedly, her close relationship with Cosmo. On the tail end of it – she got a lot of flack for it too. She opened the door and stepped inside, licking her lips and then leaning against the door frame to grab Cosmo’s arm as he went to walk past her and head down to his dressing room. Em caught hold of him and pulled him to her, shuffling him into the room and closing the door behind him. “Come out with me tonight,” she urged as she looped her arms around his waist in the privacy of her dressing room. 

Cosmo giggled at the female’s response, watching her go with a grin on his lips. His bandmates looked at him and laughed, waking him up from his staring. “Man, you’re whipped,” the bleached blond teenager next to him said what him and Cosmo’s two other friends were thinking, making the fourth male roll his eyes at him, pushing him slightly. “Shut up, Dan,” he answered, earning a shove from the guitarist. He started walking away from them and straight to the dressing room, ready for a chill night, something that usually happened and that was almost a rutine. It was only a few times the band went out, as they were too tired to handle any party after the show, and they were underage in the U.S. Though, the girl who grabbed him and pushed him into the room clearly had other plans. Cosmo almost tripped over his own feet when she pulled him by his arm, but before he knew he was being surrounded by Emilee’s arms. “What, like a date?” the surprised and hopeful words spilled from his mouth before he could even think them twice, and, for the third time that night, he felt his cheeks burning. “I-I mean. Forget that, I...” he blurted out, mentally facepalming himself. “Where are we going then?” Cosmo asked after sighing, offering a nervous smile to the Em.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

“Shut up,” Emilee echoed Cosmo, their words overlapping slightly. Immediately she looked over at him and yelled “Jinx!” The ebullient brunette pulled her hand from his and shook her head dramatically at the small crowd gathered off stage – composed of hair stylists, techies, costume stylists, and the like. Em and Cosmo had been dealing with the blowback of their ‘relationship’ since the moment a stage hand walked in on them standing face to face, with her arms wrapped around his neck and placing a kiss on his cheek. Of course after that it didn’t take long for everyone to find out, even fans, and Emilee insisted over and over again that it was perfectly innocent even if perhaps it wasn’t. Comso did the same – in interviews, especially. It was always the third question asked – ‘so what’s going on with you and your opening act Emilee?’ – Coz would always say she was a sweet girl, and a good friend, and the word friend made her sigh every time despite how very true it was. “So dudes…” she started, wrapping her arms around the waists of two of Cosmo’s band mates. “What’s the plan for tonight?”

The singer knew that by that moment his cheeks and whole face was completely red, with all the tour crew members cheering as Emmy and him walked backstage, followed by the male’s bandmates. The funny thing was that everybody knew that their ‘friendship’ wasn’t exactly real. It was something else, there was something more, and everybody could see it. The fans, the media, people that worked with them, Cosmo’s bandmates... It was an obvious thing, but none of them had the courage to take the first step. Contrary to what he was told almost everyday, he didn’t think Emilee liked him the way he liked her. It just couldn’t be true. So whenever he was asked about her, he just said she was just a friend. Shaking the thoughts from his head, he glued his eyes to the petite girl standing between the two other musicians. His smile grew wide on his face and a chuckle fell from his lips at the sight, as she was smaller than the boys, and she looked really cute. “Shouldn’t you be in bed already?” Cosmo mocked her.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

“Midget? Fight me!” Emilee put her fists up to him and laughed softly, narrowing her crystalline brown eyes. When Cosmo threw his hand up as well she smiled and took a few steps backwards so that she fell in line with the other members of the band. “We look like a barber shop quartet, right guys? We should do like on… Oh, what was that show… Who’s Line Is It Anyway! You know, where they invite someone up from the audience and then sing a song about that person? Talk to management ASAP,” she nodded fervently and glanced over at Cosmo as she saw his cheeks flush red. Although they weren’t together and nothing even close to that had been discussed, the two had shared so many almost moments. In the back of the bus at two in the morning, everyone else was asleep, she was in his bunk reading comic with him.. and she almost told him. After a show, in a whirlwind of energy, she almost grabbed his face and kissed him. For a whole month the two had been dancing around each other, meeting in the middle for ephemeral moments of… almost. “C’mon, we gotta get out of here! My bedtime was nine and it’s already two hours past that,” the brunette joked, taking a step forward and taking Cosmo’s hand in hers to pull the boy close to her. “G’night, Philadelphia!” she hollered as she skipped of the stage with Cosmo in tow.

“Nah, that would be unfair for you”, he chuckled before letting her go. He stood where he was looking at the girl basically take away the show from them, but he didn’t really care she was doing that. Cosmo could look at her ’friend’ do whatever for the rest of his life and would never get tired. She was being the star right then on stage and there couldn’t be a better metaphor to describe Emilee in the way the teenage boy saw her. He woke from his daydreaming about the female, something that he did more than he would like to admit, when he heard her voice through the loudspeakers. The blond male let her take his hand and he tightened the grip softly, smiling down at her as she said goodbye to the crowd, waving his hand to the fans. He then followed her as they jumped their way out of the stage. They were received by a bunch of people that had been with them in the tour, and, all at once, they ‘aw-ed’, just as their fans had done some minutes before. “Oooh, shut up,” Cosmo shouted as he laughed, pretty sure that, once again, his cheeks were pink and flushed.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

Emilee narrowed her eyes and made a face at him when he denied her statement, and the camera that was on them zoomed in so that it was just their faces on the screens in the arena. He had leaned closer to her to speak into the mic they shared and she moved her lips to his ear to whisper quietly — hoping the mic would pick it up.“You’re such an ass, ‘mo,” the girl shook her head and then pulled back and pushed him playfully as he admitted to the part about the Sour Patch Kids. His arm stayed fast around her though, didn’t let her get away, kept her close and his full pink lips uttered ‘bra’ and ‘skirt’ and the crowd went wild while the taller boy pulled her in for a genuine hug. She wrapped both arms around him and laughed, her cheek pressed to his chest before she rose up on her toes so that her cheek was against his and her lips were at his ear. “I’m soooo gonna kill you for this,” she uttered bemusedly, pulling away the moment she heard the other guitarist start a cacophony of ‘oohs’ and ‘awes’ from the audience members. In the noise she could her her name and Cosmo’s name and ‘cute’ and ‘date’ and she shook her head fervently — miming throwing up at the sheer thought. “Please, we’re not cute. We’re punk as fuck,” she shouted, moving away from the blond and dancing a bit, tossing her hair forward in a singular headbang and throwing up her hand with devil horns like the rock star she thought she was.

Cosmo chuckled at her threat, finding amusing how the petite teenager had to stand on her toes to get to his ear. “Yeah, like you could, you midget,” he answered, whispering to her in response as he tried not to laugh too much. When she pulled away from him, he felt his cheeks turning slightly red. If he had been asked, he would’ve said it was from the warmth that the stage lights emanated. Truth was, what had caused him to blush had been the ‘awes’ and other noises the crowd and his own bandmates had made.

The blond smiled at her words and supported them, making the same gesture the brunette had made and pulling a ‘tough’ face, getting laughter from the audience in response. “Yeah, yeah, you lovebirds can go around pretending they’re punk and stuff and shut up,” the energetic voice of one of Cosmo’s bandmates echoed in the stadium, and once again, laughter filled the place. He then heard his band’s drummer giggling like a little boy through the microphone. “Look at Momo, he’s blushing!” he then added using the embarrassing nickname his mom used when he was a kid, and Cosmo felt his face flushing even more.

[cxsmoryan-blog]

The world was a blur of incandescent and idyllic sounds all coalescing into a symphony. From backstage, the slender brunette could hear the finishing notes of her favourite song by the band and her fingers tapped rhythmically against her thigh as she nodded her head to the beat and as the last note of the song hit she curled her tiny hand into a fist and threw it up into the air. This motion was met with laughter from the sound engineer who stood ten or so feet to her right, and when Emilee looked over she saw that the dark-haired girl was shaking her head bemusedly. This was a routine she was well used to by now, having been on tour for almost a month with group of misfit guys who she liked to refer to as her ‘merry men’. This elicited groans from all of them, but they had all grown quite close in the last month and she came to realize that the groans were not of annoyance, and they understood her playful teasing. 

Suddenly she heard her name and she peered up, able to see the boys but not the crowd from where she stood. Her crystalline brown eyes trained on the stage, dark red lips pursed as she curiously tip-toed closer to the bright lights that illuminated the stage. The girl grinned and rolled her eyes playfully as she heard Comso call her Emmy. He was the only one who did it, and he had insisted that it stay that way. He had always wanted it to be special to him. With a little bounce in her step as the crowd screamed in response to the request for her presence onstage, she emerged into the light and laughed softly — the sound something akin to the tinkling of small bells. In combat boots, destroyed high-waisted black skinny jeans, and a black bralette the girl bee-lined right for Cosmo and threw an arm around his waist, pulling herself to him before she grabbed the microphone from his hand. “ Just so you all know, ‘m not the lazy one around here. It’s this one,” she nodded towards the boy at her side and looked up at him from her fullest height — which was still a good foot shorter than him. “When we’re not out here on stage with you guys, he sits in his boxers and eats only the red Sour Patch Kids. Those are the only ones I’ll eat — and he doesn’t even share. Innit that right, dudes?” The ebullient brunette gestured to the other guys on stage, squeezing Cosmo’s side gently with the hand that was around his waist.

Cosmo and his bandmates waited for Emilee to go onstage, screams and cheering coming from the crowd when they saw her. The teenager lifted his arm to surround the girl’s petite body with it, pulling her close to him when she hugged him. Although she was right, he denied her words by moving his head from one side to another, making the other three boys in the band laugh at him. He leaned foward so he could talk to the mike Emilee was holding. “That’s not true, guys,” he said, giggling at the fan’s and his friend’s reaction. “Well, maybe the Sour Patch Kids part is,” he accepted. “But at least I’m not the one who always leaves bra’s and skirts everywhere in the damn tour bus,” he pestered back at the brunette, moving his mouth so it was round, as he had just said the best comeback ever. After he stuck his tongue out to her, Cosmo pulled his friend closer and hugged her as he laughed.

That was when the screams grew louder than they had been in the whole concert, and then the other guitarist in his band, the one with bleached blonde hair, started ‘aw-ing’, making the crowd laugh along with the other two musicians. 

[cxsmoryan-blog]

“Thanks, guys, this has been Long Way Home!” the blond guy talked through the microphone after they ended the fourth song of that night’s concert, earning screams and clapping from the crowd. Cosmo listened to his bandmates talking to the fans, his smile never leaving his mouth. The band’s bassist then started pointing out some people with banners they had made for the show. Some were really sweet, some said how far the fans where from... They read some of them to the rest of the crowd, and all of them started laughing when they saw three girls holding up a pretty big one that said: “We came here for Emilee. You guys suck. (JK ILY)”

“Well, maybe we should bring Emmy back to the stage again, huh?” Cosmo said, and once again, everybody in the stadium went crazy. “Emilee, come up here, you lazy butt!” called the main guitarist, standing next to Cosmo as the four of them giggled and waited for their opening act to come on stage.