it’s 3am and i miss you more than ever.
often times i read back on our texts. i listen to the saved voice notes just to hear your voice and try to feel like you’re telling me them for the first time again. i look at all the photos with you in it, or videos of you showing me things. it’s every small detail that matters to me. every kiss and hug and touch and holding me at night, i can’t regret not cherishing it more before it was all gone. i regret not being to remember the last time we truly kissed. it aches in my whole body how much i miss you. i miss every time we’d make dinner and watch a show or youtube. i miss every time you’d open your front door and id get to see you smile, you seemed happy to see me back then. i miss when you ruffle my hair while at stores. i miss when you’d touch my leg while driving. i miss when you’d make me drink your water. i miss watching you craft. i miss playing cards and your cursing. i miss closeness and intimacy. when you’d call me beautiful and it felt like you meant it. i miss brushing our teeth together and watching you do your hair. i miss your smell. i miss your heartbeat. i miss sitting on the kitchen floor together. i miss just being able to look at you. i miss when you’d go off about things and talk about whatever was on your mind. you hardly talk at all now. i miss when i mattered to you. i miss when we’d hug before each time we left your room. i miss when id roll over and you were there. i miss the smell of your blankets. i miss the smell of your hair. i miss our long drawn out goodbyes that would make me late to get home. i miss when you’d text me numbers, right now is 333. i miss listening to your music. i miss you. i miss you no matter what i’m doing or who i’m with. you used to seem so happy being with me. i think about you all the time. my dreams with you in them remind me just how much i truly miss everything. is my devotion not enough? should i have loved you better? should i have payed more attention and showed just how much i really did cherish everything?
it’s more than just missing it though. it feels like mourning it. it feels so deep and emotional and id do anything for it back. id do anything for you back. everything else feels numb. i don’t feel anything aside from my grievances.
I miss you so much. i don’t even know if you’ll see this.
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