sad thoughts from the happy girl
for years now
i’ve known what i have, how i suffer and that i might never recover. i know it’s a genetic flaw, given to my mother from my grandmother, passed to me, passed to any daughter i ever bare.
still, after 4 years, i feel unable to go to the doctor with this, having multiple therapists, you’d think they’d try ask about it, its on my record that i have serious.. “issues” with my cutting, and my diet, but never do they try to help, to diagnose, to cure. I can’t go now, i’m an adult, this is a teenagers problem that’s supposed to disperse with age. yet here i am, legal to marry, bare young, almost to drink, and still suffering harshly.
i thought this emotion was gone, for a while i truly believed i had achieved happiness. but this emotion is cruel, it hides for months, lulls you into false security, convinces your friends, family, partner that they’ve cured it at long last. only to find it resurface at the first moment of stress, or panic, anxiety.
it was prom that brought out now. prom, such a simple thing. the mere fact that i wasnt allowed to take Toby pushed me back into this cycle, hell i’d been clean for months, and it all crumpled in a day.
i feel so low so often, i know i’m hurting him and i don’t want to, my patience is wearing so thin towards everyone and i’m scared of myself. scared of what i can do. scared that i’ll emotionally manipulate people again. i’ll hurt them. i’ll hurt me.
I’m supposed to be someones bride to be (to be.) and yet i can’t even perk up, what if i still feel this on my wedding day? surely such a painful thing will disappear for such a happy occasion..?
So many worries for someone so young, i shouldn’t have been cursed with such a foul disease.
