today’s depression: abloo bloo bloo when i was sick and suicidal my dad wasn’t there for me and even mocked me when i tried to have serious talks with him about me not being able to hang in there much longer and my several very near suicide attempts and —AND he was more focused on going out of town every week to be with a girl he was dating who he now says was a fake relationship. cool you left your suicidal extremely sick daughter home alone every week for years so you could get laid
DAMN i dont want this karma in my next life, but forgiving him is proving incredibly difficult
some days i’m great and centered and forgiving/understanding of what he was going through and his own personal flaws and traumas (while i still believe it was really messed up that he saw me being ill as him being victimized)
and other days i’m like, he has no idea how many times it came so close to him finding me dead
and then i spiral into how would he react? would he survive it? what about my sister, my mom, my nephews? what about my friends, even though i truly believed none of them cared bc... i mean when you’re alone and no one even texts you to ask if you’re okay, you feel like you dont matter
what kind of waves would that have made in those who knew me?
would they really have been surprised?
so many of them actually didnt know what i was up against and how many times i threw my notes away
i felt like they would be sad at first but it wouldnt be too hard to get over, not like i was in everyone’s lives anyway bc they didnt wanna acknowledge a sick suffering person
but my dad would have known
all the times i told him i was barely able to cope
all the times i tried to tell him i couldnt stop thinking about killing myself
and how he mocked the way i cried
how he yelled and screamed bc he thought i was trying to guilt trip him
bc he’s v insecure you see and his daughter not wanting to live to him was saying “fuck you for supporting me” he thought i was ungrateful and told me so many times
he would have known all of that and to see me dead i think would have broken him bc he might have felt like he was responsible bc he knew. he knew. he knew. he knew. he knew. he knew i was not doing well. yet he couldnt let himself be vulnerable enough to BE THERE FOR ME so his only defense was to make me feel worse
it’s the worst heartbreak i have ever felt next to losing someone to death
bc i feel for the first time in my life, like. i appreciate my dad and i love him but.
the illusion of the hero i always thought he was has been broken
and i cant wait until we can finally just go our separate ways
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