Because no one listens until it's too late.
For me, I had made several new friends while Lyn was joining the Army, people that helped me keep my mind off of him. One of these people was a man named Damian. I met him through my sister, of all people, and he had shown me that my fear at the time of overstating the danger of my sister was unfounded. As it had turned out, she was still in a relationship with a boy from her school when she began dating Lyn and actually wanted to have another casual relationship with Damian on the side. Damian had denied her and this caused a rift between them which had drawn me to him in the first place. For the next two years, we became very close. When we had heard of Lyn's breakup, Damian and I debated the virtues of me forgiving him. Damian maintained something like 'trust but verify' and said that while I should be wary of him, Lyn shouldn't have been held entirely accountable for being manipulated. I held off of that for a long time, thinking about if it was a good idea only in private moments. Tragedy struck during that time of introspection, Damian shot himself.
Life was misery. In my more dramatic moments I called what our friend-circle dealt with in the wake of his death an 'onslaught of horrors'. Thinking about it now, it still seems ridiculous-sounding but apt. His family refused to accept any responsibility for his depression, citing video games and religion and any gods-forsaken thing they could blame instead of admitting they had failed him. His grandmother retroactively changed his religion, saying he did not make the choices he did because it fit with her worldview. An aunt used his remembrance group to preach about the 'disaster' that would follow Obama's re-election and how Damian would not have wanted to live in the world afterward. His mother sold all of his possessions to get away from her boyfriend and moved several states away with only a few words. His father, who had campaigned constantly to be readmitted into Damian's life disappeared. And, unto all of this, a mutual friend had known about Damian's suicidal thoughts far ahead of time and told no one in some hair-brained scheme to get attention, then capitalized on his death to receive pity-sex from Damian's female friends. In all of this bullshit I checked out. I abandoned our friend group, the majority of relations with Damian's family, and many he had touched in my own personal life for a time. In those dark days I decided to forgive Lyn.
That decision brought some light back into my life and, at least I hope, his. We became close again but problems still remained. I was harried by my project, dealing with the predations of my own parents' nonsense, and dealing with school. He was still suicidally depressed at some points, drinking heavily often, and soon found out he had a series of congenital heart conditions that rendered him unfit for service. Unfortunately, this was found-out by a civilian doctor and the doctor on his base only held his position by virtue of rank instead of competence. The on-base doctor had a vested interest in keeping Lyn in the Army or at least seeing that he didn't get discharged honorably so as to not cost the Army for benefits & insurance costs. To give an example, that doctor prescribed 'meditation' for Lyn's heart palpitations and bloody cough. Lyn's parents hired ex-JAG lawyers to get him out and after an uphill battle for two years, they did. Still, things did not go well for Lyn in those two years. He went into a series of bad relationships, one with a parasitic woman, and his mother continued to interfere and harry his life whenever she decided she knew better than everyone else around her. At one point Lyn decided to buy a house for himself to stay in once he moved back from his base. His mother sold it out of under him for a profit she then spent to help him move back down once he was released and then charged him for it.
And that, further extraneous little details, slights, and complexities aside, is what brings me to the current situation. Since I heard of what his mother had done that Thanksgiving years ago, I had debated or argued with him at least every week about him letting her affect his life. It is my belief that he has the power to make her stop interfering or even abandon anywhere she holds sway and make his own way. Before these conversations always petered out over mumbled agreements or impasses that neither of us could navigate. For whatever reason, yesterday it changed and the aforementioned gun incident happened. I did not fear for my life and I do not now. I fear for his.
Last night my father exploded on me in a drunken rage about a minor logistical issue with our plumbing, as he has done nearly every other night about every other petty thing he can blow out of proportion. I am not without problems either and Lyn's mysterious aggression has only pushed me further down the spiral. I have thought of killing myself often in the last few years. I always stop planning when I realize that those thoughts are only brought on by false guilt heaped upon me by my mother, or my grades, or my own mediocrity when it comes to writing, or my father acting as if I am some massive disappointment because a carpet isn't clean. Those last gasps of self-esteem are always there right before I make for the cliff. This time, I feel like there isn't anything there. My best friend is a bad person, but I am much worse and I am afraid I may have become another catalyst for his own demons.
I write this here because no one I know personally is on my tumblr. On the off-chance anyone reads this, they wouldn't be able to stop me. Generally speaking, no one listens until it's too late anyway, so I don't know why I worry. I don't know if I'll shoot myself or if there will be some miraculous reconciliation to this and my and Lyn's life will go on without another death. I kinda feel better now that this piece is coming to a close, but I know a dark cloud still looms over the whole thing metaphorically speaking. Maybe everything'll be fine. Maybe I'll be able to beat Lyn to the punch if it comes to self-harm or other violence and, in a way, be able to stop him from getting any worse. Maybe one of our friends will find a solution to his issue and we can all simmer down. And maybe the world will go on without anyone really noticing whatever happens in the next week or so. Maybe.