Things Ed And Envy Say About Their Children In My Long-Running AU Where They're Married (this got really long)
School: Call From The Teacher
Ed: "Oh, god, what'd she do now?"
Envy: "She got a zero on her math homework? Well, crap, I did it for her..."
Ed: "Look, I'm not defending him, but if you sit him by that kid that eats boogers, then what do you expect?"
Envy: "If he told you I drink wine in the pantry, that is private family business."
Ed: "She told the principal she was built like a rotisserie chicken? I'm not even mad, that's kind of clreative."
Envy: "Did he bring up the consperacy theory about the birds not being real? Yeah, he got that one from his uncle."
Ed: "She said her favorite cuss word is what? No, no, she got that from me. That's my bad."
Day-To-Day: Comparisons/Bragging
Envy: "One of them brings home straight A's, one of them brings home stray animals, and the other one brings home lice."
Envy: "Well, one of them's on track for college, one is on thin ice, and the other one's...on the roof, I think."
Envy: "One of them color coded his socks, another licked a worm this morning."
Ed: "Our middle child got student of the month, and his sister got in trouble for building a flamethrower out of a hairspray can."
Ed: "I've got one who says 'yes, dad' and another that say 'bet'."
Ed: "Nina got student of the month two times. Of course her grade's ony got seven kids in it, but we're still proud."
Envy: "Maes is very artistic, draws all over the walls."
Ed: "She's going to write a book one day."
Envy: "Cost us our deposit, but we're proud."
Ed: "She can't spell worth a damn, but she's got stories."
Day-To-Day: Back To School Shopping
Ed: "These school supplies cost $200 and you're still just going to eat the glue anyway."
Envy: "I could've bought a week's worth of groceries with what's in this cart and you still can't spell Wednesday."
Ed: "Yes, we're getting the off-brand markers. They still color, don't they?"
Envy: "You don't need a planner. You haven't planned a thing in your life."
Envy: "All this for you to come home and say 'we didn't use any of that'."
Day-To-Day: Basic Daily Issues
Envy: "Well, I've got one brushing her teeth, one crying about pants, and one's running around half naked in the back yard"
Ed: "Is that ketchup or blood? Either way, go change."
Envy: "Well, now one of them's crying because his socks don't feel right."
Ed: "Why do I smell nail polish?"
Envy: "We've got twelve minutes to be someplace nineteen minutes away and now you all are gonna lose your shoes?!"
Envy: "One of them just yelled uh-oh in the pantry and slammed the door. I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear it."
Ed: "Hey, where's your brother?"
Envy: "Don't climb up that tree, you're gonna fall!"
Ed: "Oh well, he'll come back when he gets hungry."
Envy: "I knew you were gonna fall otu of that tree! You good?!"
School: Calls From The Nurse
Envy: "Let me guess, he's got a headache, a stomachache, he's limping, but he was fine when I dropped him off twenty-two minutes ago?"
Ed: "Did she clutch her stomach dramatically and say 'I don't feel so good'? That's her signature move."
Envy: "Ma'am, unless he's projectile vomitting, I'm gonna need him to stay put."
Ed: "If you're well enough to lie, you're well enough to learn."
Envy: "Look, I'm just going to tell you this right now...that byo is lying. He's not sick, he's stalling. He's been rehersing this since breakfast."
Envy: "Ask her if she'd feel better at home with a mop in her hands."
Envy: "If you can fake cry, you can fake pay attention in class."
School: More Calls From The Teacher
Ed: "Tell me he didn't cheat of that kid that still eats glue."
Envy: "So on a scale from 'forgot a pencil' to 'needs legal representation', where are we at?"
Ed: "He doesn't even have the sense to cheat off the smart kids..."
Envy: Did she start with 'no offense', then proceed to say something really offensive?"
Ed: "You're not the first teacher to call, you're just the first one to call today."
Envy: "Was it funny? Because sometimes she's bad and hilarious, and that's just confusing for everybody."
Day-To-Day: Math Homework
Ed: "What the heck kind of math if this? Because this sure isn't the same math I grew up crying over."
Envy: "You mean to tell me we need a color coded chart and a prayer to solve 9x7?"
Ed: It's like watching someone parallel park for a spot they could've just pulled right into."
Envy: "Quit looking at me like I invented this math, i'm as lost as you are."
Ed: "I would have better luck teaching a squireel to do taxes."
Envy: "If the answer's still 63, it shouldn't matter how many boxes you draw to get there!"
Envy: "You're using a box, a number line, and a story about jellybeans, just freaking multiply!"
Ed: "Your eacher said you can't use this method? Well, tell her she can't use my gas money for field trips."
Ed: "I've seen hostage negotiations go smoother than this."
Day-To-Day: Everyday Stressors
Envy: "You all treat this house like a gas station bathroom and you wonder why I'm grouchy."
Ed: "I'm not ignoring you, I'm just in self-preservation mode."
Envy: "You act like I brought you into this world just to fetch things for you."
Envy: "Oh, you're starving? Should we alert the Fuhrer, or just open the fridge like a normal person?"
Envy: "I don't remember birthing a Xingese emperor. Get up and do it yourself."
Ed: "You're crying over a worksheet? Well, I'm crying over this electric bill. You wanna trade?"
Envy: "That's not an injury, that's a consequence. Big difference."
Ed: "You wanna cry, or you wanna walk it off like a legend?"
Envy: "Pain is the tuition for bad decisions."
Ed: "You're out here learning physics the hard way, aren't you..."
Envy: "Your brain took a luncbreak and your legs just kept on going."
Ed: "I've gotten worse injuries from stepping on a lego, you're fine."
Envy: "Don't you stand up here and talk about discipline when your kid's the reason we've got three behavior charts."
Envy: "First of, Karen, your kid bites people. Maybe get on that before you try to run the PTA."
Envy: "If you're gonna run your mouth, you can run your wallet too. Raffle tickets aren't that expensive."
Envy: "If your kid's the one stealing the theacher's markers and selling them on the playground, that's your sign to shut up."
Envy: "Don't volunteer your husband to build the playground if he's not going to do it. We're still waiting on the slide you promised back in 1925."
Day-To-Day: Back To School
Envy: "Why did the principal call me today and say you got sent to the office because you raised your hand in class and asked Mrs. Smith why does she have a mustache?"
Ed: "Let me check over this science really quick...'true or false: cats lay eggs'..."
Envy: "We've been over this, not every thouhght needs a voice."
Ed: "Maes, what in Leto's left nut is wrong with you?! When have you ever seen a cat lay an egg?!"
Envy: "You volunteered me for what?"
Ed: "I cannot leave work tomorrow to bring ten pizzas to your class."
Envy: "well, un-vlounteer me. Did you bump your head on the way in here?"
Ed: "Well, the pediatrician lokked at her for four seconds and said she's fine. Woman, she looks like she just crawled out of the aftermath of Ishval."
Envy: "Look, I know you're booked solid, but he's over here breathing like a busted accordian."
Ed: "I owe you $145? For what? Oh, for last time when I brought him in and you told me to just keep an eye on him."
Envy: "I'm not going to try to look it up, because last time I did, it told me she either had rabies or a brain tumor."
Ed: "It's real funny how you've never got an open slot but the bill shows up right on time."
Envy: "I guess I'll take the 2:15 slot four thursdays from now and pray in the meantime."
Day-To-Day: More Daily Issues
Ed: "I don't care if he breathed your air, we do not throw rakes in this house."
Envy: "I asked what they wanted for lunch. One said hot dogs, one said sushi, and said revenge."
Ed: "Yuriy just chipped his front tooth in half. He dove face first into the kiddy pool. It's only two inches, bless his heart."
Ed: "There goes your chance at marrying rich."
Envy: "One of them's mad that I wouldn't let him eat a battery, the other packed a lunchable and said she's done with this place, and the baby's in the neighbor's flower beds."
Envy: "Ed, they're dragging their matresses into the yard again! This is why we have ER bills!""
Ed: If you're going to sword fight, at least do it with pool noodles instead of curtain rods."
Day-To-Day: Child Comparisons
Envy: "I asked my middle child to fold some towels, he wrote a whole long speech about child labor."
Ed: "One of them's a people pleaser and another's a felony waiting to happen."
Eny: "One of them asked for books for their birthday, another asked me to teach her how to hotwire a car."
Ed: "Our oldest made honor roll, another our youngest made a hole in the drywall."
Envy: One of them's got a 4.0 GPA, and another one ate a gluestick last week."
Envy: "I raised a leader, a follower, and whatever the third one's doing we're still trying to figure out."
Day-To-Day: More Everyday Stressors
Envy: "I didn't realize I gave birth to royalty. You're acting like watching me clean is wearing you out."
Ed: "You've got more plates in your room than we've got in the cabinet."
Envy: long series of just rage-slamming cabinets
Ed: "I could drop dead right now and they'd ask where the snacks are."
Envy: "Go ahead and ask me what's for supper. I dare you."
Envy: "You just walked right past an overflowing trashcan. Unbelieveable."
Ed: dropkicking full garbage bags out the door "I used to be fun."
Parent Bonus: Day-To-Day: Envy: Baby Showers
Envy: "Poor bitch asked me how I juggle everything. I said 'girl, I dropped the ball three kids ago'."
Envy: "Who giftwrapped this? A raccon?"
Envy: "She asked me 'how do you keep your house clean with kids?' I just laughed."
Envy: "She asked me how I deal with tantrums. I call Ed and tell him to come get his kid."
Envy: "They did the gender reveal, now we're just waiting on the father reveal."
Day-To-Day: More Everyday Stressors Again
Ed: "Ah ah, put the hammer down!"
Envy: "I told them to clean their rooms adn they said 'define clean'. I said 'define homeless'."
Envy: "My youngest has been crying for an hour because I wouldn't smell his fart."
Envy: "My middle child just said he's sick of all the rules and packed two cheesesticks and a dart gun to run away. I said 'go ahead then'."
Ed: "Actually, just get your butts in the house!"
Envy: "They turned the trampoline into a slip-and-slide with the butter."
Ed: "Maes just put a popsicle in the oven and cried when it melted."
Envy: "One of them's limping, one of them's crying, and I think the third's still airborne."
Day-To-Day: Summer Vacation
Envy: "Why do you have the good towels on the roof? Get down andbirng the towels!"
Ed: "I walked outside and they were swordfighting with shovels. Real. Metal. Shovels. I swear not a single neuron had fired since they got out of school."
Envy: "I love how confidently you do the dumbest stuff."
Ed: "So he said 'catch me' and jumped off the shed, and nobody caught him."
Ed: "You're all acting like you have spare lives!"
Envy: "You're not dying, you're just bored. Go dig a hole or something."
Ed: "Someone filled the kiddy pool with cooking oil. Now we've got greasy footprints everywhere and my youngest has a broken tailbone."
Envy: "One of them's crying, one of them's screaming, and one of them's missing."
Ed: "It should not be this hard to keep you all alive."
School: PArent/Teacher Conferences
Envy: "So was it an actual fart or was it one of those fake chair squeak things?"
Ed: "Ok, what'd she do now? And don't sugarcoat it."
Envy: "Oh. I'm so sorry."
Envy: "He gets that from his dad's side."
Ed: "But did she spell the cuss word right when she wrote it on her desk?"
Envy: "Hey, you feel free to move his desk, to the hall or even the parking lot. Just please, for the love of all that is holy, do not send that boy home early."
Ed: "Did he at least cheet off of somebody smart this time?"
