Day to Day life of just getting by.

i need somewhere to get my point across to the world so here we are taking a new stand being a better me and just surviving.

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

the timeless house

sometimes I go out I see friends I spend time away from the house and everything moves so fast its like colours and blurs pass me so fast and everything is moving 1 million miles an hour but then get home and everything slows down I can spend hours in my room doing nothing and its like time I still nothing is moving to fast the day and night become one without me realising time has passed everything is slow and timeless and its the same it safe in knowing that even if things do get a bit to much the second I come home everything is timeless. 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

first drunking night

so I have had drinks before but last night I got super smashed and was super drunk I remember everything being numb I was super sick today throwing up lots and wanting to die and I didn't like one second of it. I am never doing it again. 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

I was strong till wasn't

I was alway the better behaved child always the one that could handle bad news always the one who knew how to deal with situation that others could I was the strong one I was the one forced to grow up to fast I was the one in all my friends who knew how to be mature. then one day I wasn't I couldn't deal with even the smallest of tasks I started to have anxiety attacks that I couldn't hide, I stated to break and everyone saw and then I was no longer strong I was the one who was over come with problems I was the one who funny jokes about a hard life where now recognised as cries for help because I am no longer strong. because even the strongest weight lifters have a limit and I have reached mine and become paralysed in the process.

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

untitled

I think I am beyond help and that's why I told them I am fine but really I dont think I am.

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

Whats been going on

so over the past week I have been having pains attacks all the time every little thing that goes wrong is to much for me to deal with and I lose it and have a break down, I am on new meds but I just feel empty like nothing s good enough I am not happy I am not sad I am not angry I am just tired and over it what vine is the point.

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

I should of spoken up

I can cry and call my self the victim of childhood trauma all I want but at the end of the day I never spoke up. 

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things that never where

is it odd that I miss something I never had. I once thought it was longing for something that I missed, but as time passed I realised that I miss it I miss never having that love that support that protection, how could I miss all of those things if I never had them in the first place 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

its the small things that count

so today I woke up ate some food. slayed around for a while. I then cleaned my room which has been messy for about a month I even got out the vacuum cleaner I had a shower I brushed my teeth and now I am even going out with friends today has been a good day and it may not seem like much but it is a lot for me I am proud and it helps to see a clean room. Tomorrow I will change my sheets and maybe do some washing as well 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

the way I let you be happy

so we flirt and we talk will confess to each other our felling. we both are going through stuff so we agree to just hang and get to know each other. we meet a new friends you kiss them you start dating you ask me if its ok I say yes as long as you are happy, we still talk we still hang out we are still friends but I don't lead you on I let you know I am ok with your relationship because this is what you want and I am adult enough to let you be happy because I won't make you wait if I am not ready but I let you know that if things ever end I am still an option. but I in no way however push you in to feeling bad about choosing someone who was ready to love you when I am not because I am not an asshole 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

valentine day for a trans person

so I am going out tonight with a bunch of friends and its valentines day and I am FTM pre everything so I know I am going to be read as female and tonight just happens to be a night that I may get more attention then normal so I am dreading it big time 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

work venting

so I was meant to start a new job this week and the person hadn't called me about the job so I called her and she said that she put someone else on and wouldn't even trail me now I ma like 5 seconds away from being homeless and I am in debt this sucks, as a result of this I now can't start with my transition for even longer now can some one pleases just kill me or give me money 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

trans topics

so for the longest time I thought of my self as non binary and after about a year of research I started to realise I was very masculine and I didn't want anything to do with being female like at all and I kinda just leant towards being FTM which I am happy with and makes me happy when people use he him pronouns but after coming out as FTM I still have a part of me that feels not entirely male and somedays I feel just nah towards gender. and I would like tl say anyone who feels this way its ok I love being male but there is still apart of me that docent feel any gender at all. and that's ok

[dysphoriathoughts]

i made a thing

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so something amazing happened

I have been getting a call form this blocked number and I have been ignoring it for a few days but I answered it today and it was Acon (a trans help centre Australian )  so I talked to them and got things set up so hopefully I can start therapy and start hormones. I am so excited too start this.

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

depression

AT school I was tried to hide the fact I was depressed thinking it was wrong that it needed to stay hidden and now its the complete opposite it is so normalised to the point if I do say something I fit it perfectly everyone know depression is a thing that is real and everyone is depressed now that it so normal that when I try to talk about it no one cares no one wants to help anymore because everyone feels the same. I wish I brought it up when someone was willing to make a big deal out of it because then than at least I may of gotten help.

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

family

I have been watching shows and movies and seeing the characters family and how the interact and I have had a falling out with my family and I was felling weird about it because I was watching all theses people fight and make up and they where a family and It made me realises that I have never had that I don't feel that connection towards my family. anyways I went through my mums photos on her Facebook and I realised that there was almost no photos of me my sisters graduation they got post on Facebook say congratulation I got noting for there 18th birthday they got post and paragraphs about how they grew up and I got an old photo and all it said was happy 18th have fun at work. (I was working that day) I went back to trips we went on as a family and there are pictures of everyone and I am kinda just in the back ground. I have never fit in with my family and I have never felt upset about this before and if I am being honest about it I don't even really care for them that much but this is making me sad I think I have realised my lack of love for them came from the lack of love I got from them and its just not fair. 

I sit here crying about this stupid situation and I just don't know why I do I am over it I hate them always making me cry and making me feel like the worst person in the world even after I managed to get out. I just can't deal with this anymore 

[day-to-day-step-by-step]

friend: remember when we went on this trip and did this thing that day was so fun

Me: no, sorry don't remember that happing

Friend: but it was so fun we had a great day we did this and this and then we went and saw this.

Me: nope can't remember.

Friend: everyone else remembers.

me: well I probably went home that day and got beaten up by my parents so my brain forgot the whole day to save me from the trauma

Friend: omg that is horrible, how do you get through day to day life if you went through such horrible things

Me: well you see my brain choses to forgot certain memories so protect me from it so I just get by because I can't remember it all and there for I lost a lot of my childhood.

Friend: can't you remember the happier times to make it easier.

Me: I don't know what to tell you I just forget what I do no point in working about it can't remember it there for I am fine.

Friend: but what if one day you just remember it all.

Me: I don't know I will probably cry a lot deal with or maybe kill my self