Let's Talk
This is really hard for me to talk about, and I imagine it'll come as a bit of a surprise given the tone of my posts, but... I left the Peace Corps. There are a lot of reasons why, so I'm going to break it up into chunks. Here goes... Cultural There are a lot of things that I appreciate about Senegalese culture, but there are also things that I would never have adjusted to. For instance, greetings. You're expected to greet every single person you see, every time you see them (although the first greeting is generally longer than any subsequent greetings). This just isn't me. I don't particularly like talking to random people, especially if there's no purpose outside of politeness. Another issue is that polygamy is common in Senegal, which is kind of problematic for me from a feminist point of view. First wives rarely get a say in whether or not there will be a second wife. It can work fairly well for some families, but for others it can be a real issue. While we're talking about feminism, I also had issues with things being expected of me because I am a woman. For instance, I would have had to learn to cook. This seems really trivial, but it bothers me that I was expected to do this while my fellow male trainees had no such expectation. Another thing I'd have had to deal with as a woman: marriage proposals, all the time. And just people generally questioning what I was doing traveling without a husband, why I was single at all, etc. Not something I particularly wanted to deal with. And the last thing about culture... We were strongly encouraged to lie about religion. The only acceptable religions are Islam and Christianity. Anything else is either too difficult to explain or else just unacceptable for another reason. This isn't huge, but it did kind of eat away at me a little bit. Health This wasn't a big issue for me like it might be for other people. I'm vegetarian, and that's a huge part of who I am. I had heard that it was possible to stay vegetarian in Senegal, but after having been there, I'm not sure how. Senegalese people don't like vegetables very much, and even if they did, veggies are expensive and not very common anyways. So while I wasn't hugely unhealthy, I could feel that I was getting less and less healthy by the day. (In case you're wondering, my diet was probably 90% rice. At least.). I also began to realize that my mental health was not going to stand up to this test. My mental stability still feels too new to be under so much stress. Also, one of the reasons I wanted to join was for personal growth, but I kind of realized that I'm actually really happy with who I am right now. On that note, have I ever told you my actual, original reason for joining the Peace Corps? Way back when I was 14, and not in a very good place mentally, I thought that there must be a reason for my depression. I must have done something to deserve it. And so, in order to get better, I would have to atone for whatever I had done wrong. What better way to do that than the Peace Corps? Obviously, this is ridiculous. I hadn't done anything wrong, I was just a messed up kid. But I never stopped to reevaluate if the Peace Corps was something I still wanted, so I just carried out my plan regardless. So uh... There's that. Super personal piece of information, just out for the whole Internet to see! Work So I was in sustainable agriculture. It wasn't my first choice, by any means. I really wanted to be an environment volunteer, and if I had been, things might have been different. SusAg wasn't bad, by any means. I just don't like ag work that much. I never have; I think I'm too much of a big-picture person. I just got so blinded by happiness that I was being considered for anything that I never even thought about asking for a job I'd like better. And honestly, the Peace Corps is not a place where you should have a job you're indifferent towards. Time This isn't really a reason for me leaving, but I think I should talk about it regardless. I experienced time very differently in Senegal than my friends and family did here in America. Every day was at least a week long, because we were just doing so much each day. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just feel like I should mention it so that people aren't like "oh, you should have given it more time!" Three weeks was more than enough for me because it felt more like three months. Honestly, I knew the second I stepped off the plane. Instead of excitement, all I felt was dread. I tried to make it work, but most mornings, my first thought was "I don't want to be here." Peace Corps isn't something you can halfass; if you're not all in, it won't work. I wasn't all in. There was no way I'd have made it two years; I'd have left within six months. I chose to cut my losses early, which is preferable for everyone. Now What? Well... You tell me. No, really. Tell me what to do. I don't know. I'm applying for jobs, but I don't really have a plan. Right now, I'm depending on the kindness and generosity of my friends and relatives (you guys are the best <3) while I figure things out. This is really hard. I let go of something that I thought I wanted for a long time; something that was a big part who I was and how I identified myself. I know that I made the right decision, but that doesn't make it much easier. If you're wondering if there's anything you can do for me, there is! Support me. Just tell me it's okay. I'm trying really hard to view this as anything other than a massive personal failure. Sometimes it's hard to convince myself of that. This is really difficult, and it's going to be for a while. But anyways, this is probably my last post on this blog. Thanks for reading! Thanks for following my little misadventure! PS: I still believe in the Peace Corps as an organization capable of doing a lot of good. I'm not trying to discourage anyone from joining... Just maybe think about some of these things that I didn't. Push for a job you'll really like.
