During our first month of training in Ukraine, us new volunteers were taken to the Peace Corps Ukraine headquarters office in Kyiv. It was our first time in the capital city, and everything was still very new and shiny to us. I will never forget seeing the COS (Close of Service) bell for the first time. It hangs in the stairwell of the Peace Corps office, and is to be rung only by a COS-ing volunteer at the end of their 27-month service.
I remember at certain points during my service wondering if I’d ever even ring the COS bell. I’m not a quitter and I always believed in myself, but I think at some points, most volunteers have moments of doubt or hard times where the COS bell seems like it is out of reach. Some people ask if you can quit Peace Corps, and the answer is yes, it’s called Early Termination, or ET-ing. There are a number of reasons that volunteers ET (nothing bad on them, everyone’s lives take different paths), but those who ET never get to ring the bell.
I also remember having dreams during the beginning of my service that my two years flew by so fast, that I was back home and didn’t even remember them happening. These dreams gave me a lot of anxiety, and I think that at the time I was having them, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to absorb all of the opportunities and moments being granted to me at that point in my life.
One more memory– the day I got my acceptance e-mail from Peace Corps. I was in the car with a friend, and as soon as I opened the e-mail, I cried big fat tears of joy. I was ecstatic. I was having a Sally Fields moment of “They liked me! They really liked me!” I called my mom, my siblings, my best friends, my manager at the time, and anybody I could think of to share my excitement.
On my refrigerator in my apartment, I had a piece of paper where I wrote down the days I had left before leaving to Ukraine, and every day I would cross one off.
On the flipside, there were times during my service where I counted down the days until I would go home, and see my family again. At times the number was huge, and its size went down so slowly. Then, as the number grew smaller, it felt more bittersweet. As much as I wanted to be in my own country again, I knew I was ending the journey of a lifetime, and concluding one of my greatest dreams. It’s a big feeling.
Most people give a nice, eloquent, and well thought out speech right before ringing the COS bell. I swear, I DID have a nice and well thought out speech that I planned to give, in which I thanked everyone who helped me and expressed my feelings, but when it came to that moment, all I could do was cry tears of joy. It was pretty embarrassing. But also, I feel like anybody who knows me knows that I was just overwhelmed with all the love, and they knew that it was for them, and they know what’s in my heart anyway, even if I couldn’t say it.
Now, it’s been just over two months since I COS-ed, and I felt the need to kind of finish up this blog. Not quite sure where to start or end, but some common questions I get about this experience are:
and, my personal favorite…
A lot of times when these questions are asked, I give the shortest answer I can muster up at the moment, because to be honest it’s a lot, and even if you love me, you’d get bored if I told you all of it. Also, I feel like I’m still digesting. SO here it is, here’s the best that I can give you.
If you’ve been keeping up with this blog, you kind of know what it was like. Peace Corps was started in 1961 by President John F. Kennedy, so that educated and experienced Americans could travel to developing countries in order to spread friendship and good will, help those countries meet their need for trained men and women, help build an understanding of Americans by those being served, and to bring back understandings of other countries and cultures to Americans. For me, this meant three months of intensive language training, living with two Ukrainian host families for a total of nine months, and working with youth in the fields of emotional health, physical health, and human rights. It’s really hard to sum up “what it was like.” I made lifelong friends, both with American volunteers and Ukrainians who embraced me with open hearts. I fell in love, really in love, with another volunteer who happened to be my neighbor during training. I learned two languages, Ukrainian and Russian. I fell A LOT on frozen ice, but also figuratively to my feet and knees, at times where I felt disappointed in my efforts, or alone, or frustrated. I learned how to be independent, and how to ask for help when I needed it. I lead in a way that I never felt was possible for myself. I watched others lead with grace and courage. I found a Ukrainian kitten during my first month of service, and took her home with me to America (she’s laying next to me as I write this). Hopefully, along the way, I actually helped some people. I met students who were incredibly bright and driven, and I tried my best to help them see their potential and spread their light. I think in the end, without question, I was helped more than I could have helped, but I do feel confident in the fact that I planted seeds and encouraged some waves of change in the lives of others.
I miss my Ukrainian host families. I was so lucky. Both of my host families helped to build the foundation for a “successful” time in Ukraine. I say that in quotations because “success” for a Peace Corps Volunteer can mean so many things, but for me it meant being able to be at home with people who were strangers, speak their language, and even without language, reach a shared understanding and give love. I will forever be thankful to both of them.
I miss being able to practice Ukrainian and Russian everyday. I worked hard to try to master these languages. They are very intricate and confusing, but that made them even more challenging and fun to learn. Sometimes I still look at an American letter and read it as its cyrillic counterpart, and every now and then a Ukrainian word slips out instead of an English one, but mostly, all of my thoughts and words are back to being in English. During service there were times where the lack of English felt so limiting and frustrating, and don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have it back, but even though sometimes it was a struggle to communicate in Ukrainian or Russian, I miss them.
What did I learn? фуууууууу. Too much to write in a blog post. This question is the hardest because I still don’t fully know the answer. I can’t even think of a good analogy to try and explain it. Maybe, it’s like I ate a giant plate of spaghetti because I have a marathon to run tomorrow (maybe this isn’t the best meal for a marathon, I’m not a runner, I’m just trying to make an analogy so bare with me), and instead of sleeping and digesting the food to turn it into energy for the next morning, I try to head out the door and start running immediately after eating it. The energy isn’t there because it’s still working its way through my body and nourishing me. I think trying to sum up what I learned during my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer comes to me in small realizations rather than big ones, and that these small things will keep appearing to me in many many years to come. I’ve learned to better appreciate myself and others, and to see the potential in every individual. I’ve learned that there are endless solutions to a problem. I’ve learned that creative thinking and personal freedom are a beautiful privilege to have and to spread. I’ve learned that perseverance is key, and many other cliches that you think you know until you’re forced to REALLY learn them. What I do know for sure is that I’m still incredibly grateful for the opportunity I had, and I’m going to do my best to utilize what I’ve learned in order to keep giving my best to those around me.
So what’s next? Well, Bobby (that neighbor) and I rang the Close of Service bell together, and traveled back to America with my Ukrainian kitten Ollie. Yes, she has all her papers and is legal and official (and I guess she’s a cat now, not a kitten).
We visited Washington D.C. to soak up some America upon returning, and then went to my home state of Florida to spend a month with my family. I celebrated my mom’s birthday with her, and my niece’s birthday with her, too. I also got to see some friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, and celebrate my 25th birthday at home. Of course I also visited Disney World. All of it was a great gift. After Florida, we stopped in Tennessee to visit an uncle of mine and some family there, too. Ollie loved it, Bobby loved it, and so did I. Now, I’m living in Southern California with Bobby and his family. I was thrilled to celebrate the 4th of July in the U.S. again, and am also very grateful to Bobby and his family for making me feel so welcomed here. We are both working hard to land on what our next career moves will be. For the time being, I try to spend every day being grateful for what I have and continuing to do my best to love those in my life. Thanks for keeping up with this blog, and for supporting me along the way. If you ever have any questions about Peace Corps or my experience, feel free to reach out! удачі тобі.
