Day 2
Today is January 2, 2014 and even though my New Year’s resolution is two days late, it seems as though it is not only going to happen, but going to be for the amusement of others disguised in a test of my own self control. I have attempted to complete various versions of this test before and been unsuccessful.
I suppose I should back up to summarizing the past year, which I may get more into at a later point but for now minimum is best. I was in a relationship for two years with someone ten years older than myself. I am 23 years old, and was the fat/nerdy kid in high school who became the class clown to avoid anyone making fun of me because I was doing it to myself first. I am not as fat anymore but it has created a vulgar and angst-y twenty-something year old who is hyper sensitive and REALLY bad at relationships.
My best friend Marci is coming down for New Years from Utah for vacation and has free range of opinion to all aspects of my life. She has been there for every step of the way…but 700 miles away of course. My previous relationship was one of those dysfunctional blurs like a car accident that where I have no idea how bad it really was until I am all the way out of the wreckage and looking back at the damage which is not only smashed into pieces but still on fire.
The problem recently is that towards the last leg of the relationship, I made a new friend. I am not normally one to have negative gap time between the relationships, but after he just…kept…cheating I just stopped caring. I made a friend with a guy, guy sounds awful, a man. I made friends with a man who works not with me, but adjacent to me. We worked for agencies that worked together and shared clients. We are at a point in our friendship, two months after my previously ended for good (even though it has been five months of constant misery and the relationship has been over basically a year before that) where we hang out enough for the outside to consider it dating…and the inside participating member’s of the relationship to be deathly afraid of it. The real problems is that I feel like I am met my match in sensitivity and insecurity.
Marci and I have had the conversation multiple times where we forget that males have feelings. That sounds bad, it’s really not meant to sound like I am an arrogant fuck, it is honestly because I am so very sensitive and am ashamed of it, that any feeling less intense than my own seems so small and tiny-seeming insignificant. Okay I understand that there may not be a recovery for all of this, so instead I will just move forward and say that the one thing keeping me not only interested but highly involved with this new guy is that he is the funniest person I have ever known.
Some girls have their weakness when they see a man with piercing blue eyes, or broad shoulders, though my complete kryptonite is when a man can make me laugh. As I divulge more about my ex it will be more evident that money and chivalry seem to fall by the wayside and become less important the funnier the guy is. Luis is the funniest man I have ever known, and maybe I am just an egotistical prick, but the fact that our sense of humor is so parallel is so desperately appealing to me.
Marci has been actively against me dating anyone exclusively, well to be honest since while I was with my last boyfriend. We talk everyday, so she has been there for the blossoming of my friendship with Luis and has not met him in person yet but knows more about him already than some people ever know about a sibling. Long conversations about how wrong it is for me to get involved with anyone beyond dating is a terrible idea have been not only daily lately, but constantly. The more she argues the more resistant I get, only because she seems to be arguing SO HARD for what seems to be a lost cause. Tonight at dinner along with the closest thing to a brother that I have ever had, Brandon, there was a pact made that I would not have sex with Luis for a month to prove that the fit was a good one.
As romantic comedy-like as this idea seemed to be, there are quite a few flaws. The first and most important one is that we have already had sex! How the fuck is this test going to work if we already have had sex? I cannot go undo the feeling of my vagina on his cock, nor can I put the awkwardness and sexual tension back into the friendship before sex happened. The other big flaw in this whole idea was that sexual acts happened New Year’s Eve with him, so it’s not a fresh resolution. There are a few gaps which through semantics can be considered lacking in sexuality. For instance, we were both extremely drunk and borderline incoherent. The other interesting part is that (from what I can remember) there wasn’t vaginal intercourse…just…mouths in places and on things. The most important part is that there was no climax on his end. Thank God for whiskey dick right?
The rules of this late New Years resolution have been argued and finally decided on a couple of key rules to this whole thing. The first is that there was no sex of any kind. We all went back and fourth for blowies and handys to count, the final conclusion was that they counted as sex and that they were not allowed. I argued that the Clinton approach worked for the mother-fucking president, it got me nowhere sadly. The other important rule that was debated was whether or not I could slowly resist and try to reverse the already made progress in the relationship (ie; less kissing, less sleep overs, less spending time in general) and the conclusion was no, everything needs to stay exactly as it is just without the sex.
The sad part of this whole story is that with this test doesn’t even come an ending where I am NOT to blame if this whole thing goes up in flames. I begged and pleaded that when I create the train wreck that is bound to happen, that if I last the month I should be able to blame the two of them. Sadly I was out voted and I am still to blame under all circumstances of failure. So, why would I continue to do this? That is a good question, but here’s to day 3.Â