go home sloopy you're drunk

WELCOME TO THE MIDWEST

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Ohio Airline Offers a Mile-High Package To Have Sex in the Sky

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Photo Credit: Sam Howzit

Welcome to the midwestern highway system, where you will encounter dozens of these signs and many more which are even more pissy and judgmental. This isn't Burma Shave country, this is come give Jesus a hug country. And if you're GODLESS, well maybe your face will melt off during the hug, praise the lord.

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The saddest possible picture of the Oregon District in downtown Dayton, AKA "Party Central."  The pixelation is sort of an artistic truth, I think.

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Vacations.  In Dayton.  If you don't want to click on the link, I can give you some advice right here and now: no.

And whoa, don't think we don't see that "so-called" you stuck in front of "birthplace of aviation."  Smug North Carolina motherfuckers writing our tourism blurbs.  Just because we have to list Dorothy Lane Market as a "top-rated attraction" doesn't mean you can take our spurious two bits of fame away from us.  We have an Air Force Museum!  We have old shit!  Stop leaving our city in droves, young people! We're hip!  We have a "vibrant arts and cultural scene"!  Club Masque was at some point rated by somebody as one of the top gay clubs in the world, even if I can't find any link to any article saying that, though to be fair I'm afraid to try too hard because this is a university computer!

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Greetings from Dayton, Ohio!  We still have at least two of the things on this poster: that one church, or at least, I think we have it, or okay, we have about five million churches which could be that one.  And horses.  We still have horses.

And trees. I think those are trees, anyway.

Possibly the building on the 'Y' is the art museum.

Also the giant watermark that floats perpetually over the downtown area.

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CINCINNATI - A 7-foot alligator found in an Ohio man's basement is malnourished, has bone disease from a lack of sun for 15 years and was being taunted by teenagers on a regular basis, authorities said Tuesday.

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CLAY TWP., Montgomery County – A check for $178 for a case of steaks a man sold bounced, leaving the seller out that money plus a $30 returned check fee and gas money when he drove to the man’s house trying to collect.

The buyer wasn’t home, and his wife said she didn’t know anything about the check, but the steaks were good.

Her husband had told the seller he had never done anything like that before, but it wasn’t his problem anymore.

He also belched.

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BEAVERCREEK – Not to bury the lead, but there are some good stories here before you get to the sexual incident at the end.

Okay, so maybe you’ll come back.

Whatever.

Who is Marc Katz?  Why, after working for the Dayton Daily News so long, do they make him cover the police blotter -- or do they?  Is this something he volunteered for?  Is it penance?  Is he okay?  Does he sleep at night?

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BUTLER TWP., Montgomery County – While a woman he apparently knew very well was checking out at a big box department store, a male was seen opening a box of KY jelly and slipping it into his pocket just after 2 a.m.

He joined the female at the checkout lane, but did not offer to pay for the jelly.

Apprehended, the subject was found to have a warrant through Fairborn Police for domestic violence with a Temporary Protection Order violation. Now, he had a complaint for theft, and a trespass notice as well.

Another discovery came while he was being handcuffed as three pairs of ladies panties were found in his pocket, untagged. The store employee did not recognize them as a brand sold there, and the subject said they belonged to him, although he did not say why he needed extras on a shopping trip.

On the way to jail, the subject said the store employee was stupid, since the subject did steal the panties from the store. There was no indication of what size he wore.

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DAYTON – A woman who doesn’t often use her fine sterling silver found some of it missing at her home on Tecumseh Street.

She said she is short five dinner forks, five salad forks and five spoons, plus six dinner forks from another set she keeps in the dining room bureau.

She said the silverware had to be taken some time between Christmas, 2012, and Easter, 2013.

She said she suspects her cleaning service for taking the implements, and would probably invite fewer people to her next formal party.

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DAYTON – A victim called police saying a suspect was at his door in the 600 block of Roy Avenue yelling he was going to, “kick in the door, slice his throat and take all his video games.”

Police arrived with sirens and lights only to have the suspect say he was only joking around. He was arrested anyway. No joke.

[daytonohio-blog]

KETTERING – Asked to recite part of the alphabet, a speeding 26-year-old driver along Far Hills Avenue, near Lincoln Park, said, “I can’t do that,” indicating he was just on his way to the University of Dayton.

It was 5:05 a.m., and he hadn’t been drinking milk from a cereal bowl.

Since he couldn’t do the alphabet, the officer asked if he could count, but the numbers just weren’t coming to him.

He had trouble with other field sobriety tests as well, and was asked how much he really had to drink.

“I’m not going to lie,” he said. “I have been on Spring Break for 12 days.”

The officer wanted to know if that had been a 12-day drinking binge, and the subject nodded his head yes.

Placed under arrest, he took a breath test that registered .217 (the legal limit is .08). He was also cited for not wearing a seat belt.

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SPRINGBORO – A food fight broke out at a health care facility in the 10000 block of El An Ja Drive when one of the employees became upset over forgotten meal tickets and food trays. Hidden grapefruit was also mentioned.

None of the food appeared to damage anyone, except for the dishware it was in.

When questioned later, the person doing most of the throwing said he was sorry and his actions were excessive, but he was tired of the games and jokes at work. He was cited for disorderly conduct and menacing and was released and told not to watch Animal House.

[daytonohio-blog]

Dayton — 

A shopper wanting to look good while eating, stuffed two steaks, a package of chicken and various makeup items in her purse, then left the store without paying.

An employee watching the entire procedure gave police a detailed description. Off they went looking for a barbeque and a woman wearing lipstick.

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BEAVERCREEK – At 1:30 a.m., 50ish-year-old guy walking into a bar for a few beers on the way home while waving a new gun around the place attract attention.

This guy also attracted the police, who were alerted of possible danger, especially because he seemed angry and mentioned he had robbed this place many years before, when he was 17. As police walked in, the guy cursed and said, “the cops are here. You can’t even have a good time anymore.”

It turns out you can’t have a weapon without a permit in a bar, and even if you do have one, you can’t drink and carry.

Initially, he said he didn’t have a weapon. When it was quickly found, he pointed out it wasn’t loaded. He just didn’t want to keep it in his car, and he couldn’t be arrested for carrying an unloaded gun.

It was an argument without merit. He was taken to the Fairborn jail, where he refused to give a written statement, but did mention his line of work.

He said he was a minister.