Just around the riverbend
When do you know you have grown up? When do you know you are the embodiment of an adult? Is it wrong that I still feel like a kid?Â
Technically Iâm an adult, Iâm over 18 so that makes me legally emancipated, Iâm my own person, Iâm independent from my parents and I actually donât need them as much as I did when I was five. But when does one actually start feeling like an adult, is it when you get your first âseriousâ job, when you buy your first home, when youâre fresh out of uni? Is this an objective issue or is it subjective to whomever poses the questions? I know I donât feel like an adult. I like to act childish and to be selfish; I weigh decisions based on the premise of less effort needed and greatest immediate pleasure. I donât think of the consequences nor would I like to start to think about the repercussions of things Iâll enjoy doing. That doesnât sound like an adult way of thinking, does it.Â
As clichĂ© as it sounds I live day-by-day, enjoy the little things in life like a hot coco cup, the smell of dawn, the sun on my face or even a blizzard through my hair. Iâm good at making up the beginning of great plans and leaving the ending unwritten so I never know what it will bring me. Sometimes I go on great adventures and other times I end up at home glued to the TV or laptop.Â
Having difficulties in planning the end of my day transpires into my inability to plan for my future. I have no idea what my profession will be nor do I know where to get started, thereâs so many things I want to do that Iâm overwhelmed with the possibilities. I think real adults would be able to plan for the future, or at least accurately predict it. I thought I was going to be a fighter pilot; turns out I donât even like the inside of jets, discipline or authority. The joke is I only realised this too late - years after I had tried and failed at the RAF.Â
I guess this monologue stems from my inability to commit to a certain uni course. The choice I have to make that will define the next few years and possibly the rest of my life is quite daunting. Why do I need that degree vs this degree, what are my career prospects, how much will I earn? This used to be the criteria I used to choose studies but I 86ed them (this summer, 2 months ago) when one of my previous choices deemed to turn into 2 miserable years at Uni. Am I going about it the wrong way? How would an adult make this decision? What would an adult do?Whatever the case I need to make this decision.Â
In spite of that, I find solace in the notion that thereâs no so such thing as an âadultâ or an adult way of thinking; that everybodyâs faking it; that theyâre just as much of a commitmentphobe as I am or that they have their own list of childish phobias. Maybe we are all just a bunch of big kids trying to look around the riverbend that is life and the closer we look, the farther it seems. I might as well just jump in this motherfucking river and accept that Iâll never be able to look around the riverbend from where Iâm standing so I might as well have a bit of fun, recline on my inflatable banana and let the currents take me there.Â