having struck upon what i thought was a foolproof plan to game the EuroMillions lottery, last weekend i took a plane to Turkey, where according to my research there was a crevasse near the little town of Çaldıran that emitted a mix of volcanic gases of precisely the same variety that inspired the oracular visions of the Pythoness of Delphi. after a short hike up the hillside, i found the cave i had been searching for, complete with a narrow crack from which odiferous fumes billowed; with the assistance of two friends (one an EMT and the other a nurse), i took 30 mg psilocybin, 25 mg dimethyltriptamine, and 500 mg mescaline, plus 30 mg dimoxamine and 800 mg caffeine for mental clarity; then, clutching a blank lottery slip and a small pencil in my hand, i stuck my head in the crack. then i recall nothing until i awoke in the hospital in Van on Tuesday. the only thing i had written on the lottery slip was in the undeciphered signs of the Voynich manuscript, and so of no help. all that i was able to remember, albeit that with crystal clarity, was a list of topics that will drive some of the discourse on social media in the years 2025-2032. so that my enterprise might not be a complete failure, i record this list here for you, in no particular order. do with it as you will.
women who get the ick when their man pays with card instead of cash
someone on tumblr is found to own a book bound in human skin. bound recently in human skin. they refuse to explain whose skin it is.
conventions against mistreatment of POWs disrespects indigenous peoples where the torture of prisoners was an important cultural practice
owning a cat is feminine and owning a dog is masculine; also feminine: gerbils, rabbits, chinchillas, freshwater fish, all birds, while rats, mice, ferrets, and reptiles (EXCEPT turtles) are masculine
men who make their partners perform extra emotional labor by not having strong opinions on interior decor
while all 19th century German literature is a little feminine, Novalis, Fontane, and Immermann are especially bad. if as a straight man you simply must debase yourself, keep to Gotthelf and (ironically) Lewald.
this leads directly into a massive fight over whether literary realism is masculine and honest or, with its concern for social issues, irretrievably feminized. the debate ends abruptly when Elon Musk tries to post memes about Henrik Ibsen, clearly having only read half the Wikipedia page for Hedda Gabler, and ruins it for everybody
real men only own serious, purposeful furniture; if it's not a straight-backed chair, a full-height full-sized table, or solidly-built bookcase, he's your girlfriend
the massacre of the french by dessalines was good, because it prevented race-mixing
women who get the ick when their man isn't colorblind
proletarian wage-labor is masculine. bourgeoise business ownership is feminine. capitalism is bad because the feminized upper classes treat the masculine proletariat as expendable.
a tiktok craze for knives, switchblades, and balisongs with pink handles, called "girl knife"
someone tries to argue that for all its faults, at least the CSA was engaged in a struggle against northern capitalists, who wanted to replace slavery with wage slavery, which is just as bad.
argument over whether the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were beneficial from a postwar urban development perspective
if he's thinking about the roman empire instead of you, that's micro-cheating. everyone knows the roman empire is female-coded.
massive panic in the british press amid claims the "girl knife" craze has led to a spate of what the teens are calling "girl mugging" and "girl GBH"
at least one popular podcaster begins to claim that caring about money at all is feminine, and a real man just works and lets his girl take care of that stuff. minor scandal as it is revealed said podcaster is not a man at all but a former findomme using a voice changer.
female serial killer arrested in california transvestigated, since she stabbed all her victims and it's well-known that women prefer poison as a tool of murder
memes about catholicism being woke and feminine and eastern orthodoxy being based and masculine result in JD Vance publicly converting to eastern orthodoxy
women who get the ick when they find out their man is a non-cartesian dualist. it's OK if he's really gay, they insist, he's just not the right guy for me.
furious debate over which kinds of gay porn are straight-coded
women who aren't OK with their partners watching porn with cis women in it (they regard that as infidelity), but are OK with their partners watching porn with trans women
prisons in the US often provide jobs for small towns mired in poverty, so opposing the construction of new prisons is classic liberal contempt for rural areas and/or anti-proletarian
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