âEvery Thug is a Lady: Adventures Without Genderâ by Julia Eff
I have been having a lot of anxiety about returning to upstate New York for a friendâs wedding. I left where I grew up because it didnât feel safe for me. I knew I had to leave New York long before I knew I was trans, and if I didnât have family there, I canât ever imagine a single reason why I would ever go back.
Almost all of my gender anxiety is centered around how others receive me. A lot of people are cool and get it, but with others, I can see them struggling to figure out which of their gender boxes they want to shove me into. I watch their eyes flick to all my insecurities, all the breaks in my pass, as they try to shoehorn me into their gender identity conceptions instead of being open-minded toward the one(s) I actually inhabit.Â
And then âŠÂ âtell HIM what you want.â
And then âŠÂ âThank you, SIR.â
And then âŠÂ âask the MAN right there.âÂ
It usually happens at work. I usually correct with a curt âshe, thank youâ and 95% of the time thatâs enough. But sometimes a single correction doesnât work and it happens a second time. And then itâs just a âHERâ sternly, and that usually rustles up another 4%. But even then, sometimes that doesnât work, and there I am all frustrated yelling at this mother who just. isnât. getting. it. while I take her money and tell her never to come back.Â
Julia Eff writes about their similar experiences navigating neutrois, when a person has no gender identity at all. Their experience doesnât 100% cross-over with being trans, but a whole lot of it does. Hearing how we both arrived at the similar points of frustration and self-understanding by very different paths made for very, very compelling reading, and I quickly devoured Julaâs work. So much resonated with me, from the agony of being trapped in your own skull with your ceaseless dysphoria to accepting relationships where you have to hide your gender struggles because your partner, who is otherwise amazing, just doesnât know how to deal with them.Â
I know I shouldnât get so upset about how others perceive me, and I know my fear of that shouldnât keep me from living my life. But the thing is, it isnât even necessarily that people perceive my gender incorrectly, I just donât want anyone to perceive me, period. I just want, in Juliaâs own words, âto be a person,â a person whom others pass over unnoticed, to not have to feel the eyes of strangers telekinetically placing me in their fucking boxes.
Juliaâs writing is very polished, and the handwritten font style makes the zine feel as if youâre peeking into their journal. I found it to be really useful after a particularly tough week being trans in a customer-facing retail job, and I think others who find themselves outside of the âconventionalâ cisgender gender boxes will find stories that speak to them directly, too. This little 68-page zine full of insightful writing and illustrations is put out by the fine folks at Pioneers Press and is available as part of their summer sale for only $5.Â
âI got 99 problems but a gender ainât one.â
âI donât want to get into a discussion about my gender and family history right now, so can we not? Your total will be $6.50, take your fucking photos and get out of my life. Thanks.â
http://pioneerspress.com/products/every-thug-is-a-lady-adventures-without-gender
andulkaphoto
germansingergirl
gummygunk
discoholicmusic
