I just got an email with results from blood tests done while I was at the doctor on Tuesday afternoon. This made me think of the question she asked as she walked in the door, “How is life?” There was no way I could have known, no way I could have told her that in less than 24 hours I would lose two friends. One would be a relief. One would suck. One of the situations I should have handled a LONG time ago, but I kept holding out hope that things would be okay in the end. Instead, in the end, she threw words at me she knew would cut as deep as possible and then made it about me when the nicest thing I could think to say to her was F— YOU. In the end, this needed to end. I could have ended it much differently, at a different time in a calmer way, but I screwed up and I didn’t, and lost a friend in the process. The friend, well, I lost her in the cross fire. I guess you could call it friendly fire (although I wasn’t acting very friendly at the time). I used to talk to her EVERYday. I fight every day not to let my mind wander to how she’s doing today, how work is going, how school is going (she just started grad school because she’s totally awesome like that), if apple has FINALLY shipped her phone or not (at this rate they will ship her 7 before they ship her 6+ - poor woman). Everyday I see something or hear something or think something and think I have to tell her because she’ll laugh so hard. I have to remind myself that’s not an option anymore. Hell, I wonder how her dogs are, what she’s watching on TV, what her school work this week is about. It’s stupid little stuff that shouldn’t matter, but it did and it still does because we talked about everything and nothing. We never really thought about what we talked about (well, I did because I tend to overthink everything), because it didn’t matter, it was just that we were talking about the crazy all around us and how we’re trying not to go crazy ourselves. Then I WAS the crazy and all hell broke lose. All I can think is that this sucks. I did this, but it doesn’t change the fact that this still sucks. It’s like these blood tests came from a totally different life, before all hell broke lose, before I absolutely lost my mind. I lost two relationships three days ago. I don’t want one back. I honestly don’t. It hurts that it’s gone and what was said HURTS LIKE HELL, but I’m relieved at the same time. There was so much wrong and I should have gone with my instinct that too much had been damaged to fix things months ago. I didn’t and suffered for it. I’m sorry others had to suffer for it as well. The other relationship, the friendship, yeah I want that back, but I think I’ve damaged that beyond the point of no return. I did that. There were no two sides of that. She was trying to be my friend and ask why I was so pissed AGAIN and I took her head off, trying to take someone else’s off. I didn’t even go in intending to end the other relationship, that’s what’s even worse. I was still being a coward and an idiot. On Tuesday, the semester was almost over, I had three days to finish my last paper and all was good. On Wednesday, all hell broke lose, I went crazy, acted like a jerk and hurt my friend in ways I don’t even think I can wrap my head around. That makes it worse. I did it, I should understand it. People tell me I’m not, but I’m stupid. I should understand what I did to her and yet I can’t even begin to get my head around it. I’ve spent the last three days trying to be invisible. I decided if I could just disappear, things would be better - for me, for my friend, for everyone. I’m not sure about that. I just keep thinking about losing my friend. I have no clue if my friend has noticed our relationship missing. I’m sure she has in one way or another, but I wonder if it’s in any good way at all. I fear not. I hope so - at least one small thing or another. The general population, well, I was on the fringes of that anyway, so few people have noticed and that’s fine. In fact, I may prefer it that way. Like I said, no one will read this. Well, maybe a few people will if they’re board or they already know what happened. Either way, I’m officially going on hiatus. My twitter account is going on hiatus. I’m not tweeting for a while. It’s just a reminder of who I can’t tweet with anymore. It sucks. It makes me hate myself. It makes me feel stupid because I don’t know what to say to make things better, but I’m pretty sure there is NOTHING I can say to make it better. Nothing is making this better. It’s been done and my best bet is to just leave it alone. I have a big mouth. I’m the girl version of Jamie Fraser. I never know when to just shut up. So I’m forcing myself to shut up. I don’t do FB anymore. I’m cutting off twitter. I’m only on ktalk for one person. I am electronically shutting myself up. Maybe somewhere in the hiatus I can figure out some of the crazy and be human in the future. Hopefully all of the mistakes I’ve made with these two friends won’t have to happen with and to future friends. Maybe then I won’t be incapable of human interaction forever. For now, it’s been real - mostly awesome, a little bit crazy, totally goofy - but I need to step out. Some of you may still be here when and if I ever come back. Maybe you won’t. Either way, I’m out. Fresh start and all. Thanks for all the laughs. Sorry for all the crazy. Jo
