Fielding a shit from the universe and other past times
So I guess, after being prompted, not updating a blog which is read by a single person is a bad thing. So, here it is, enjoy it :P
So recently, I have had a lot of shit going on. I mean, I don't wish to paint myself as a sympathy whore or anything, and attempt to garner rather pointless attention, but neither do I want to admit that there is nothing potentially harmful going on upstairs. Whilst I feel that I am hardly a sufferer of clinical depression, or dying under the pressure of a thousand separate issues, there are still a myriad of things which are weighing me down at the moment. And this is where you come in, hapless reader, for it is to you that I speak of these goings on, whether I like it or not, because it will make me feel better to simply have said it. Whether you read it or not is another matter entirely, which I shall leave in your presumably able hands.
To start with, as I imagine many a barrel of teenage angst was begun, would probably be the combination of grades that were decent (yet disappointing) and a relationship or two that merely left me feeling listless and useless. These took place over a few years, though I guess this was helped by the fact that neither relationship lasted longer than a week. Life goes on I guess. However, the recover from these was hampered by the feeling that in both the exams which followed them - GCSEs and A levels (at which point you fully realise how much of a angst ridden teen I am) I had under-performed - despite attaining decent grades, I had failed in every target I had set myself besides Biology, where I had blindly guessed the questions, and History, where something magical happened and I actually revised or something. The combination of these two factors was unpleasant, and began a spiral of self-loathing, a feeling that I would need to improve, and a greater feeling of apathy. The end result; no change, complacency, and sitting still. My actions and attitude did not improve, and I began to resign myself to failure, slowly, which is, I imagine, where the minor depressive episodes started.
And so, three years after it began, slowly eclipsing my life, the great and glorious bird of the universe released its sphincter once more. Another family issue had cropped up, and there was a chance of some aspects of it being inheritable. Which was great. Last week I received a blood test which was inconclusive, but had numerous outliers, with a possibility of fun later down the line. Simultaneously, I was turned down for the main offer I had received to send me to uni, due to my poor choice of uni (?!?), was told I had chosen the wrong degree, had the third lackluster birthday in a row which was spent by myself in my room, and was given two warnings on my coursework, which would involve a lot of catch-up.
[I feel that I should clarify some points - these all seem very minor, to me even, and I wonder how I can feel so bad about them all at times. If there was ever a whinier post about first world issues, then I would like to see it. Regardless, to me, it matters. At the end of the day, this post is about me, by me, and ultimately for me. So really, if you disapprove, then by all means go on. It's not your problem]
Regardless, in the face of all this, I did the only thing I could do. I buried my head in the sand, stopped asking people for help, or initiate conversations, and I hid my feelings. Like I had been doing for the last few years, I swallowed my emotions, opened Reddit and Tumblr, and pissed away my time, doing worthless nothings. In retrospect, there are better ways to catch up. Even now, when I should most probably be doing something productive with my time that would presumably entail a large amount of typing, I am wasting my time doing a large amount of typing (but with significantly more commas).
To bring this rambling stretch of text to an end, I should probably big myself up a bit. I can do this, I am able to do this, and I don't want to do this. I shall do it nonetheless. That sounds so pitiful when I read it back, but it'll do.
Yay, I hope you're fucking happy Jo.
