[Reckless Optimism] @dearjesirae - Tumblr Blog

April's Flowers Day 30:

Today, I am grateful to April. This month has been kind to me. This month set me up for success. This month primed me for my next chapter.

Today I am grateful for the flexibility of an independent contractor. For the month of April, the money coming in is more than enough.

Today, I am grateful to myself. I'm fighting to not only stay alive but also love while I'm alive and while gratitude is not flowing freely from me, as I am in a challenging season of life, I am standing up for and fighting for ME. I am the person I always needed. I've learned the lessons with grace and with the strength I have I am flowing with joy.

Today I am grateful for the power in my words.

I affirm:

I am safe.

I am taken care of.

I belong.

30 DAYS LIVING AND BREATHING AND WALKING IN MY SUCCESS! (full sobriety)

#4/30/24 #i once thought it was impossible to go through a challenging season fully sober #today marks the day #i walked through a challenging season fully sober

April's Flowers Day 29:

Today I am grateful that I don't crave alcohol anymore. I've pushed through the urge and I'm grateful that I've found a deeper appreciation for my clarity.

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to work extra hours all month, pushing me closer towards my goal of a June exit. Working everyday in May, I am opening a portal for abundance.

Today I am grateful that I have my voice.

I am grateful for the power of my words:

Abundance flows to me with ease. I attract all forms of green into my life. The universe works in my favor.

Money May flow to me in abundance all month.

I am on my way home.

Day 29 of Living in my success (full sobriety)

#4/29/24 #im tired and ny body aches #my headphones are wonky curious how to repair them #craving a bath #anxious for the next season #excited to go back Home #calling Colorado home feels stange and certain #Colorado is my home for now

April's Flowers Day 28:

(@6:26 Mon Morning. I fell asleep before I could do this)

I am grateful for Google sheets for budget tracking and time tracking. I'm beginning to see where and how my mindset can and needs to shift around Money and time and work. I see ik going in a more expensive direction.

I am grateful for the sun. It was 80° and I soaked in so much of it. Hence why I was so tired lol.

I am grateful for the protection of my Aura. I asked the house to contribute $1 each to buy a case of water and that turned into the adult asking for us all to contribute to everything. Which is valid and also an opportunity to be drained if you don't have boundaries and praise god to me for having boundaries and protecting my resources. I stated a number I was comfortable with and will not. Judge further. I'm grateful for growth in this way.

I am grateful that my exit plan, with diligence, appears to be on track and I'm grateful to Rod for being my north star. If it wasn't for him, I don't know how I would have etched out this timeline.

Day 28 of LIVING IN MY SUCCESS (full sobriety)

#4/28/24 #shanti is sick #ronnie sounds sick but is in denial #i mask litterally everywhere #i considered masking in the shower #i mask in my room before i leave the house #i mask in the house #i mask #everyone has a phlegmy cough #a persistent cough #def covid but they wont acknowledge that

April's Flowers Day 27:

(it's midnight)

Today I am grateful for DC Young Fly + Cam Newton conversation. They spoke a out grief in a way that was powerful for me to hear in the right now season of my life.

Today I am grateful for the extra hours and days and pay available at this job. This independent contractor work is a great set up for aligned entrepreneurship. There is is $$ available for this next phase that simply requires me to show up.

Today I am grateful for my technology. The streaming services, my new computer, my headphones. Just to create solitude within my private space.

I am grateful for the power in my words.

Today I affirm:

I am heading home

I am calling in resources

I am surrounded by love.

Day 27 of living in my success (full sobriety)

#4/27/24 #my body aches #im excited for a bed and a bathtub #and a joint

April's Flowers Day 26:

Today I am grateful for Alyssa. A new coworker who reached out for a friendly chat. Through my evolution I was able to easily see a bid for connection. We won't actually work together but it was nice to spend the day chatting a bit.

Today I am grateful for Clifford, my 1st cousin. He is someone who sees me and that has always been very important to me. He is very important to me l.

Today I am grateful for Dollar Tree body wash. There are options that make my skin feel clean and nourished. I also got a body oil that makes my skin so soft. When it's time for me to be held, touched and caressed it will be pleasurable for that person as well.

Today I am grateful for the power of my words.

I affirm:

I have a home.

I have resources.

I have Love.

I Am home, right here and now.

I am Resourced, right here and now.

I am Loved, right here and now.

Day 26 of living in my full success. (Full Sobriety)

#4/26/24

April's Flowers Day 25:

Today I am grateful for the cemetery up the street from the house. This place has become one of my sanctuaries here and I have an escape when I need to ground and mind my own energetic business.

Today I am grateful for the courage to text rod. This situation brings up so much for me and I'm proud of myself for diving in headfirst and transmuting everything that comes up.

Today I am grateful for sugar free gum. This craving to drink is strong and while I don't get fully know other ways to process the desire yet (the warm and cozy feeling in the inside that comes from alcohol and hugs). Gum has helped keep my mouth busy in a way that allows me to breathe.

Today I am grateful for the power of my heart.

With the clarity in my nervous system I am keenly aware that I am feeling other people's "stuff".

This is a gift, I know it. I trust that it will serve my highest and most abundant good in this life.

I affirm:

I am resourced and I am loved. Abundance flows to me with so much ease. I attract all forms of green into my life. The universe works in my favor.

Day 25 of living in my SUCCESS(full sobriety)

#4/25/24 #day 4 of work #its a mess of a corporation and also ik grateful i have acess to liquid cash in this way

April's Flowers Day 24:

Every time Levi texts me back is a moment to celebrate and today I am grateful she texted me back. Our exchanges are brief AND I am doing all I can in the right now of life to nurture a nourishing connection. I am proud of the Aunt that I am becoming and I am grateful to God for guiding to this form of leadership.

Today I am grateful for the birds and the sunshine and the lofi tunes. It is only day 3 of working a new job AND no anxiety (about the obvious issues) have come up. I feel secure in where I am in life, even and especially among strangers.

Today I am grateful for food and shelter. Within myself I have everything I need and outside of myself (in this economy, during this revolutionary time) I have everything I need.

Thank you god for spring.

I am grateful for the power of my words:

I am divinely aligned with my home.

I am divinely aligned with ALL the resources and more.

I am divinely Loved, to the depths of my being.

I am grateful for this life.

Day 24 of living in my SUCCESS (full sobriety)

(although, I'd love a beer and a joint and a libatious escape, I am home fully within myself)

I am home, FULLY, within myself.

#4/24/24

April's Flowers Day 23:

Today I am grateful for a Monday thru Friday work shift. I'm not sure how I'm going to get the resources I need and I trust that they are coming. WHEN I return home to the Rockies, this is a divine working schedule for me in this season.

Today I saw a snake. And I like that it gives me a reason to text rod. I don't know what this relationship will be and I am grateful that my rejection sensitivity has waned. I am stronger and more confident and I am ready to be seen. Even if it's not by him.

Today the full moon is in Scorpio. I don't know what this means either but I am optimistic about what is on the horizon for me. I believe in the good that is coming. Even when doubt creeps in, I know how to hold space for her. I am grateful for how far I have truly come in this life. I am grateful for where I am going.

I am grateful for the power in my words.

Today I affirm:

I have a home in Colorado.

I have resources to sustain my life in Colorado

I have Love ready for me to experience in Colorado

I am on my way home.

Day 23 of living in my success (Full sobriety)

#4/23/24

April's Flowers Day 22:

Today I am grateful that I have all that I need to do this new job. I am grateful for the self confidence I have that I no longer feel the need to perform. At work or at home. I asked for dinner and got food. I showed up for work without anxiety. I have a workspace and access to the sunlight and warmth of the outdoors.

Today I am grateful for the reminders to rest. I twisted my ankle. It aches. I don't need to push myself into fitness or other forms of work. I can sell my time and rest my body AND STILL HAVE ACCESS TO ABUNDANCE! This is the truth of my life and my sore ankle is proof of this.

Today I am grateful that the month is almost over. I would really like to drink a cold beer.

Today I am grateful for my cousin cliff. He gets me and I hope our relationship continues to grow.

Today I am grateful for the power of my mind and the potency of my words.

I affirm:

I am home. I have a home.

I am resourced. I have access to abundant resources

I am loved. I am experiencing divine love.

It is safe to be seen.

Day 22 of living in my SUCCESS! (full sobriety)

#4/22/24 #day 1 of work #may is for money #June is my exit #im on my way home #to love and be loved

April's Flowers Day 21:

Today I am grateful for being locked in with my niece. We don't have a relationship yet, but I'm grounded in my responsibility to establish a connection. Right now I scheduled daily Texts to her, and as I get more established in my being and calling in material resources, I will be able to evolve that connection into a relationship. I'm forging a blueprint, doing something I've not done before.

Today I am grateful for my waistline slimming down. Weight loss hasn't been my focus for a while and also I am noticing a change in my body for the slimmer. My waist is slimmer, my glutes are firmer and my jawline is sharper. Because I know I'll be here in May I am grateful for the mountains and hills and my bike that contribute to the sculpting of my body.

Today I am grateful for the power in my voice and my words. I spoke up and Ronnie made burgers for me (cuz he wouldn't if I didn't say anything. He literally called me 'old girl' yesterday). My belly is full and I can rest well the night before starting work tomorrow.

May feels like a total mind(access to capital) body(access to fitness) spirit(access to my regulations toolbox) training for good somatic loving. I see the June exit clearly and also I trust the divine unfolding.

I trust the power in my words.

I affirm:

I am home. I have a home.

I am resourced. I have access to resources.

I am loved. I am experiencing the Love I deserve.

Day 21 of living in my success. (Full sobriety)

#4/21/24

April's Flowers Day 20:

Today I am grateful for the treats and deals from McDonald's (I know there is a boycott). In the small ways I celebrate myself and my wins, my expansion for non judgement continues.

Today I am grateful for sugar free trident gum. So far, it helps with oral anxiety. (Next up: chanting)

Today I am grateful Akua texted me and attempted to make plans. We didn't follow through because she was getting braids for her bday trip so timing didn't work. I show up with her with nothing but my presence to offer. Me as I am, am worthy of friendship and her mere presence affirms that. I'm so grateful that lessons can also feel good.

I realized, I can Airbnb my way back to Home. I saw a couple of spots (Horse farm, word to Hitomi) on Evolve that are inexpensive and budget friendly. Compound that with the content experience of may, the possibilities are expensive.

I affirm:

I am home

I am resourced

I am loved

Day TWENTY OF LIVING IN MY SUCCESS (fully sober on 420)

#4/20/24 #numerical palindrome #magic in numbers #welcome money may

April's Flowers Day 19:

Today I affirm:

I have found my home.

I am accessing the resources I need

I am experiencing the Love I deserve.

I am grateful for the power in my words.

I am grateful for my connection to God, which is my connection to the totality of myself.

I am grateful for the version of me that is committed to fighting for the life, family and human experience I know I am worthy of living.

Day 19 of living in my success (full sobriety)

#4/19/24 #asked larry and maia again for lodging and again they declined.#my biological family doesnt have the capacity to be considerate of others #i hold no judgement #its an observation of the choices they are committed to #there consequences are the days they live without facing themselves

April's Flowers Day 18:

I truly enjoy moments of engagement with Rod. Today I am grateful for him just existing in the world as a lighthouse to my home.

Today I wrote scripts for the MAY creative project. I am grateful for the inspiration and the courage to just do it.

Today I am grateful for the courage to simply show up everyday. That took work to get here and it takes courage to maintain. I'm proud of myself.

Today I am grateful for my life.

Day 18 of living in my SUCCESS (full sobriety)

#4/18/24

Re: April's Flowers Day 17:

It's 4:55a on 4/18. My mind was so preoccupied I forgot to end the day giving thanks.

I've got a feeling for a man that I don't quite understand. Apart of it feels limerent, while another part of it feels like the early stages of what could be a profound love(platonic or romantic).

He is generally unavailable(emotionally and also geographically), and that feels like the obvious answer. And also, I've realized that I tend to face what I've judged the most, a love where one person is ready while the other isn't quite there yet but that person waits (within reasonable boundaries) is a love story I've judged harshly. I've been so consumed with the rom com, fairytale. But this feels like real life.

This feels like giving the potential for love a fair chance. If I'm as secure as I claim. If I like him and all he seems to be, as I claim. I can move through this liminal space with confidence. That at the end of it all, while I didn't get "the story", I got the LOVE. Or at the end of the day I learned a valuable lesson in loving myself.

The story isn't the character here, that's the growth. That's the evolution. Bump the story, it's actually about the characters. It's about the real life, flesh and blood human people living the everyday of it all.

I spent all day wanting to text him. So many journal pages saying girl let it go, girl just reach out. And back and forth and forth and back. So preoccupied, I fell asleep without pausing for gratitude. My sobriety was challenged today and I had to face the maladaptive truth about how I self soothe through food. Without better research, the closest language I have is "oral fixation" which I now know can be nourished through, singing, humming and gum chewing. Instead of drinking, smoking and eating/snacking. As I move through now and my triumphant return, I have a deeper regulation tool kit, which is all in preparation of overall togetherness.

He's not the story I wanted but he really really seems like the person I want.

I'm ready to get back home so I can explore this potential for love and experience the new expansion of myself.

Today I am grateful for my life.

M A Ybe it goes well. (Coming soon.)

Day 17 living fully in my success. Fully sober.

#4/18/24 #i woke up to pee and i saw he texted back #i didn't read it before i wrote this

April's Flowers Day 16:

Today I am grateful that my writing workshop has come to an end. I learned that creative writing can best be expressed through consistent practice, I learned that my social battery depletes in the evening. I learned that I only want to collaboratively learn where there is a tangible goal (like language learning)

Today I am grateful for the sunny days, the sanctuary and the peace I have learned to find in every situation of my life.

I am grateful I bought a headset.

I am grateful I have my assignment for May and I have new creative ideas to explore.

Day 16/30 is difficult. The aloneness feels heavy. Usually I would drink or smoke because I'm "bored" but the boredom is the difficulty sitting in the alone.

Thank God I am not alone. The people who will live in community with me are out there and I am finding alignment with them.

Day 16 of living fully in all of my success (full sobriety)

#4/16/24 #writing workshop ends rigjt before i begin work #work begins right as i conjure a creative idea #im on my way home #i hope love is waiting for me there

April's Flowers Day 15:

Today, I am grateful for Alfredo and the free massage. My body feels so good.

Today I am grateful for Spotify and the curated tenure of music. I've had this account for about a decade and the music is wonderfully curated even when I listen to new types of music.

Today I am grateful to the moon. So frequently, I look up and the moon is there. It makes me feel like I belong.

Today I am grateful that my work computer came and I have $$ to get a headset. I have everything I need to work on this new contract as well as create artistic content, when I am ready.

I am grateful for this life of mine.

Day 15 of living in my success. (Fully Sober)

#4/15/23

April's Flowers Day 14:

Today I am grateful for self confidence and self efficacy.

Today I am grateful for my iPad and Hulu subscription. Man, I really like Family Guy. And krapopolis and schitt's Creek and what we do in the shadows.

Today, I am grateful for Dollar General snacks.

Thank you god for this life.

Day 14 of living my success. (Full sobriety)

#4/14/24 #zero four #one four #two four #idk what that means but i love when nunbers nunber.#everything in divine order #today i decided i am going back to Colorado for the possibility of love #it coukd be with anyone but my heart is directed at someone

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