Re: April's Flowers Day 17:
It's 4:55a on 4/18. My mind was so preoccupied I forgot to end the day giving thanks.
I've got a feeling for a man that I don't quite understand. Apart of it feels limerent, while another part of it feels like the early stages of what could be a profound love(platonic or romantic).
He is generally unavailable(emotionally and also geographically), and that feels like the obvious answer. And also, I've realized that I tend to face what I've judged the most, a love where one person is ready while the other isn't quite there yet but that person waits (within reasonable boundaries) is a love story I've judged harshly. I've been so consumed with the rom com, fairytale. But this feels like real life.
This feels like giving the potential for love a fair chance. If I'm as secure as I claim. If I like him and all he seems to be, as I claim. I can move through this liminal space with confidence. That at the end of it all, while I didn't get "the story", I got the LOVE. Or at the end of the day I learned a valuable lesson in loving myself.
The story isn't the character here, that's the growth. That's the evolution. Bump the story, it's actually about the characters. It's about the real life, flesh and blood human people living the everyday of it all.
I spent all day wanting to text him. So many journal pages saying girl let it go, girl just reach out. And back and forth and forth and back. So preoccupied, I fell asleep without pausing for gratitude. My sobriety was challenged today and I had to face the maladaptive truth about how I self soothe through food. Without better research, the closest language I have is "oral fixation" which I now know can be nourished through, singing, humming and gum chewing. Instead of drinking, smoking and eating/snacking. As I move through now and my triumphant return, I have a deeper regulation tool kit, which is all in preparation of overall togetherness.
He's not the story I wanted but he really really seems like the person I want.
I'm ready to get back home so I can explore this potential for love and experience the new expansion of myself.
Today I am grateful for my life.
M A Ybe it goes well. (Coming soon.)
Day 17 living fully in my success. Fully sober.