Dear Rich People...

Taking the piss out of exorbitant expenses.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person buying this life-size T-Rex sculpture for $32,734.87,

Where are you even going to put this? This is what I picture: you have your own tiny island that you're making into your own Jurassic Park, but a safe version (for now) because you're buying sculptures instead of genetically engineering your own dinosaurs. But then, one stormy night, after you've decided that your island is finally complete, disaster will strike. Magically (via curse or electrical accident, take your pick) the dinosaurs will come to life. I'd start knocking on Jeff Goldblum's door so you can have some backup when the time comes. I'm sure you can afford him.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person looking to buy this £39,300.00 lighter,

You're going to be the slickest stoner on the block. Just be careful not to forget it at your friend's house, cause if you do, that shit is not coming back to you.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person buying this $11,000,000 laptop case,

If you were disappointed that the "I Am Rich" app wasn't available anymore, then I guess this would be the next best thing. Coverbee, a Dutch case-making company, was inspired by our favorite useless app and created this lavish laptop case. If your goal in life is to have the most ostentatious tech-cessories at your local Starbucks, congratulations. You can hang up that "Mission Accomplished" banner now.

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Dear person buying this $20,000 rock crystal sink,

Where do you even keep your soap and toothbrushes on that thing? And does the water spit up at you from the side like a water fountain? I've never considered water fountains to have terribly good hand washing potential. Oh! And riddle me this, how do you gauge hot and cold water?! This seems like an awful lot of confusion over something as simple as a sink, so save yourself some money and get something from ikea instead. It'll be way more functional and your house guests won't wind up soaked in wrong-temperature water after they use your bathroom. Everyone wins.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person buying the Loop shower,

Well there's no price listed for this baby yet, but it's an outdoor shower, so I'm betting that only a certain margin of people will have the space for it let alone be able to afford it. And really, how enjoyable could a whole-body bidet be? Although I'll be honest, I've heard good things about regular bidets, so perhaps they're on to something. I guess the rest of us will never know. Or we'll just crash your rich people pool parties this summer.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear men who buy this $4,200 ring,

Okay, so this ring is made of meteorite and 18ct gold, with nine different little stones representing the planets of our solar system. That's right, nine! They count Pluto and so do I! This is pretty much the most awesome thing ever, and I'm mostly just jealous of you, so shut up. However I'm not a man, so my tiny lady fingers wouldn't be able to wear this masterpiece anyway. The best part? The meteorite band rotates separately from the gold band and rotates around your finger. I bet Freud would have a field day with that...

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Dear lady who comissioned this £250,000 doghouse,

You obviously love your dogs, no one could argue that. But this is like, the James Bond safe house of dog houses. The self-cleaning bowls and automated dispensers are cool, but the retina scan entry? Is that really necessary? Are you afraid the neighborhood mutts are gonna crash your pups' luxury spa day with an impromptu and immoral poker game? Speaking of which, if there was ever a place to put up that "Dogs Playing Poker" picture it would totally be here. Make it a mural, that'd be classy as shit.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person who buys this $20,000 children's bed,

First of all, this is freaking sweet. Second of all, it's for your child. You know how fast those things grow, right? In a few years they won't be able to fit into it any more, and chances are they'll be embarrassed to sleep in a tiny house by the time they're 12. What are you going to do with it once that happens? Where do you keep a tiny bed-house that no one stays in? Answer: You give it to me. Please and thank you.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear people who bought the "I Am Rich" app,

And yes, there were at least eight of you. Luckily there won't be any more since this was removed from the App Store, because it doesn't do anything! Purchasing this app is the equivalent of setting $1,000 on fire. And then peeing on the ashes. And then laughing at all of the horrified on-lookers while boarding your yacht to sail to your private island. If you're going to waste your money, at least buy something as functional as those shoelaces we saw earlier.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person buying these $19,000 gold shoelaces,

I firmly believe that we should all find ways to pamper our feet, that's what pedicures and massages and lazy days off are for. However your poor, aching feet aren't going to be comforted by the fact that you spent so much money on 24ct gold shoelaces. In fact, they'll probably be disappointed that you didn't spring for that new $1,800 whirlpool foot bath instead. Besides, you can always use the money you saved to buy the $3,000 silver pair...

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person who bought any one of these ridiculous flash drives,

Did you eat some magic mushrooms prior to your purchase? Is that why you did this to yourself? No judgment here, but I have to chalk this up to some kind of drug-induced impulse purchase, because If you're rich enough to spend up to $36,900 on a 32 GB (seriously?!) gemstone covered flash drive then we both know that you have a higher storage capacity on your diamond and gold plated iPhone.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person buying this 64 GB iPhone 4S for £6,000,000.00,

Clearly an iPhone alone does not a status symbol make. What did it for you? Was it the 24ct gold plating or the 8.6ct single cut diamond for a home button? Just so you know, they won't be able to swap that for you at the genius bar if it starts sticking. Oh what's that? It comes with a 7.4ct pink diamond in case you need a replacement? Well then I guess they've thought of everything. I'm terribly sorry, but would you kindly put it into it's opal/pietersite/charoite/rutile/quartz/star sunstone/dinosaur bone chest for a few minutes? The sparkles are starting to blind me...

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person who buys this £599,000.00 suit,

Well I was taught that diamonds are a girl's best friend, but I guess if you want to sparkle like Edward Cullen that's cool too. However there are probably better means to that end. Because you know what this suit reminds me of? These. Only this one is way less fun and way more expensive.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person who buys these diamond encrusted business cards,

Now you're literally just giving money away. And whatever you do - don't show them to Christian Bale.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person buying this $100,000 razor,

Listen, I get it. We're all dissatisfied with the mediocre, throw-away razors that we can buy at our local Art of Shaving store/pharmacy/bodega. And it seems like you'll be getting a good product for your incredibly silly amount of money. You get a 20 year guarantee (with free blade sharpening!) for your sapphire blades and a handle made of iridium. Yes, iridium, an ore that the makers tout as primarily being used in rocket engine components. Basically you're stealing from NASA. So apologize and give them your money instead.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person who buys this $400,000 shirt,

Just don't, okay? You're just gonna lose those diamonds in the wash. Give that money to someone who needs it, like me! Or like the people digging up those diamonds instead of the ones who sewed them onto a (poorly designed) t-shirt.

[dearrichpeople-blog]

Dear person buying a hovercraft for $190,000,

Would you consider donating a portion of that to my new charity? It's called "Help me pay off my student loan debt instead of spending all that money on something you'll probably only use once."