Dear Schmeezy

Letters from mother to daughter in the hopes that it will give understanding to said mother's neurotic mind.

[dearschmeezy]

My 2nd grade Mona Lisa, with the subtle smile... What is she thinking?

[dearschmeezy]

Did I kill the magic for you?

Dear Schmeezy, Last night in bed, you were talking about batman, and superman, the hulk and iron man... And you talked about them like they were real. In a grumpy tired haze, I snapped and told you they weren't real. Why did I do that? You looked at me and said, "what? What do you mean?" I said, those are characters written by a person. They do not exist. Now I think about what I said to you that night and it eats me up inside. Why did I say that to you? Ruin your belief in magic? You're only 7... You should still believe in superheroes saving the world from evil. You should still believe in the magic of marvel superheroes. Seemingly average humans with above average capabilities. In this cold cruel world full of crazy people, pedophile scum and republican lunacy, why did I let you believe in magic a little while longer? You would find out in your own time how fuqn vile this world is. I cannot fathom why I did this to you. I am wrecked with guilt. I shouldn't have lifted the curtain for you. You're a smart and clever girl. I should have let you figure that on your own time. Which brings me back to a topic I have discussed here before. Time. The difference that time moves for you, the slower pace. The seemingly unscheduled days you have.... I need to let you have them. I'm so sorry, baby girl. I am sorry I ruined marvel comics and superheroes for you. I will let you have Santa for as long as you want. -mom

[dearschmeezy]

Dear Schmeezy, 3 for 3 baby girl!!!! So proud, so excited for all that the future holds for you, my darling girl. Please continue on this trajectory... There is no gravitational pull, no earthly limit to the heights you will soar if you continue to keep working hard, staying persistent, focused and inquisitive. Love always, Mom

[dearschmeezy]

You, 6 yrs old, reciting "are you lonely moon" early spring 2014.

[dearschmeezy]

My thoughtful baby girl.

Dear schmeezy,

We went to the Logan square farmer’s market last Sunday. We were having a good time, and I was showing you all these heirloom variety vegetables, we tasted some sweets, ate some cheese. Then I took you to the children’s boutique around the corner and bought you this Star Wars 3-D book. There is a Hebru Brantley mural in the mega mall parking lot where we parked and I wanted to take your picture in front of it to keep the memory of our lovely day together forever.

Then we walked into the parking lot and the car was gone. As I was panicking that someone stole the car, a black tow truck pulls up with another victim in tow. The driver tells me that the lot the car was towed to is on Damen and foster… The number is on the beware sign posted so prominently in the lot. I call the number and the lady on the phone tells me that it will be a whopping $220 to get the car out from the lot. I instantly break out into a cold sweat. Meanwhile, you are listening and looking worried. When you hear the $220 bucks, you look up at me and say,”Mommy, I wish I had my guitar with me so I could play and people would give me money, then I could give it to you for the car.” My heart almost burst at that moment. I had to catch myself and look at you, acknowledge your kindness, and to tell you not to feel any responsibility about what had happened. I told you that it was all my fault. I kissed you, calmed down, and realized that it was all going to be alright. You are growing up to be such a kind and thoughtful person. If nothing else, you are going to be fine. Always, Mommy

[dearschmeezy]

Why I go ape shit sometimes.

Dearest Schmeez,

I really need to chill the fuck out sometimes. I know I can seem mean, and strict, maybe I seem crazy. For this, I am so sorry.

A lot of the time, I am tired. I know that this is not an excuse, but it is the reason. I am up at 2am. Get home by 1pm and then the real work starts. I come home to you and your brother and you guys are fighting over one toy even though the house is overflowing with toys… Your brother has to have the exact toy that’s in your hands. I know it’s not fair but I ask you to give it up. Many times I tell your brother that he cannot have it, but your brother is 2 years old and there is no negotiating with a 2 year old. He just doesn’t have the mental maturity to understand concepts such as patience, and taking turns. All he knows is what he wants and he wants it now! I am so sorry baby. You are just so much more mature than he is. You are just so patient, even more so than the average 7 yr old. I rely on these facts about you, perhaps too much. You seem to always get the raw end of the deal. I am so grateful that many times you don’t protest, but I am cognizant not to mistake that for agreement. I see you, baby. Even when it doesn’t seem like I am looking… I always see you. Your light that emanates from you is so damn bright. It glows from your big brown eyes. The kindness, love, and wisdom so mature for your young years. I see it. I see you. I will try not to take you for granted, my love. I will try to quell my impatience, because you deserve that from me. I’m working on it babe… Mommy

[dearschmeezy]

I am always worried.

Dear schmeezy,

Here’s something you should know about me, I am a worrier. I worry about everything, and I always feel like I cannot be too prepared for everything. Thus, many times I am prepared for nothing.

When you were born, I was consumed by the thought that you might show up on the autistic spectrum. Not because I had some medical information telling me that you were at risk. I had no such info. No one in our family is autistic, but I was convinced that my child, you would be. Everytime you stared off into space for a little longer than I was comfortable with, I thought to myself… Here we go! We have to get her tested! For your first 3 years, I was just convinced that the other shoe was going to drop and then I’d find you spinning around endlessly.

Thankfully, you are fine. You are better than fine. You are incredible! Amazing! However, now my worries about autism is replaced with making sure that I Am giving you every opportunity I can. Music lessons, art lessons, soccer! I am so obsessed with your well-being that it worries me constantly. I feel it in my bones and my muscles are always tense, I look at you and see all this potential that I want you to be able to realize it. I want to make sure that no stone is left unturned! Learn everything! See everything! Experience as much as you can!

I have to be reminded that you’re only 7 and I need to chill the fuck out.

Seriously, I know this baby. You’ll forgive me. I am so sorry for my neuroses. You probably think that I’m nuts! I am getting better. Really I am. I have the best intentions. You may not see that now. I hope one day you’ll understand.

Very truly yours, Mommy

[dearschmeezy]

2nd recital awesomeness!

Dear Schmeez,

Here we are. Yesterday at the PianoForte concert hall with your guitar teacher, Chris. I tell you to stand next to your teacher, and he says,” did you know I am you’re teacher? I thought we were just friends.” Haha! He’s a cheesy dude, who seems to really like what he does.

You played the most songs on the program. 4 songs and played like a BOSS! I love it! Your dad and Lola were so proud. 2nd recital, I’m sure many more to come!

Of course, your little brother had to get some action. Haha. He is so silly.

Keep up the greatness! Love you, Mommy

[dearschmeezy]

You turned 7.

You were my many firsts. My first pregnancy. My first child. My first preschooler. My first kindergartener. The list could go on and on. You are my first of many things; and many more things to come. I am so excited for many of our firsts.

So you recently turned 7. You play video games like you are a seasoned gamer. Minecraft, Disney infinity. You love art, and music. You are a master Lego builder. So far you haven’t been into the conventional “girly” toys and things. You hate wearing dresses, and balk at dolls. Your grandfather bought you an American girl doll. I showed it to you, and you made a face and said it was “creepy”. It kinda was.

At 7, you are so cerebral. You think about EVERYTHING! You won’t do anything without thinking about it. I took your brother and you to the playground the other day, and your brother ran out like a crazy screaming banshee. You walked up to the playground apparatus, took a look at it, grabbed the base of it and slightly shook it. Like you were testing how sturdy it was. When you decided it was sturdy enough, then you jumped on it. Careful. Cautious. Mindful. A thinker. Analytic. These are just some adjectives I use to describe you.

I am so excited by your potential. I hope with all my heart that you live to your full potential. You are full of questions. Some I can answer. Some I cannot. Always you make me think about things I have not thought about in a long time.

As an adult, time moves exponentially faster than as it did as a child. Minutes are like seconds, and days compressed to minutes, and years into months. As an adult, I have lost my concept of time. I sometime scold and yell at you to hurry up! What the hell is taking you so long?! Then I realize that time moves differently for you than it does for me. I vaguely remember being your age, and the summer seemed like a whole year! The days were long. Come fall, looking at all the kids back in school, they all seemed a whole year older. Having those memories as an adult it was only a few months that passed since I saw everyone last.

You are going into the 2nd grade in the fall. I hope that your new teacher is someone that allows you to work to your full potential. I hope that your new teacher is someone who sees how hardworking you are. I hope that she continues to challenge you. I hope that this teacher learns your weaknesses and can help you cultivate your strengths. I know this is a lot to ask of a teacher, but those are aspects that I am trying to develop in you. I hold myself responsible for your education first. Then I look to your teachers for guidance. I know that at times I can be a bit harsh about your schoolwork, but I am so obsessed with your educational well being, that I want to instill in you the importance of hard work. I know I can be an overbearing mother but I have the best intentions. I am trying my damnedest. You are my first, and I don’t always know what the hell I’m doing.

[dearschmeezy]

Recital awesomeness.

[dearschmeezy]

Your first recital!!!!!

On Saturday, June 28th 2014 you had your first recital. You were amazing and I was so proud. The two weeks leading up to that Saturday was pretty busy, and you weren’t able to practice as often or with as much concentration as I would have liked. We had family over from California for your brother’s baptism. So the house was always chaotic with kids, and house guests. However, you pulled it off beautifully!!! At the time of your recital, you had been playing the guitar for 2 1/2 months. Your guitar teacher is this young kid, chris. Chris is really enthusiastic, and incredibly patient. He teaches the guitar, piano, and violin. You seem really comfortable with him. And he adores you. I am not always available to make your lessons so when I ask how your lesson went, you say,” he called me adorable.” And you are. But more so than adorable you are so sharp and smart. So smart. You were able to catch on with reading music almost instantaneously. After about a week, you were reading notes like a pro. Anyway, you played two pieces from your repertoire. You started with “This old man.” And finished off with ” twinkle twinkle little star.” Chris accompanied you with guitar on both songs. I told you that essentially you’re playing a duet and said that before you start, you are to look at your duet partner and count off so you both start together. You did, and it was awesome. You. Are. Awesome.

[dearschmeezy]

First letter.

My Dearest Schmeez,

You are now 6 years old and truly an amazing person. AMAZING!!! Everyday I wake up and see your apple cheeks and saucer brown eyes and marvel at how wonderfully amazing you are becoming.

A little background, I decided to start this blog because I know that some day, there will be a time when I may do or say something that may seem neurotic or stupid, or both to you. I write this in the hopes that it will give you a greater understanding of who your mother is and the mindset that I am coming from. I want you to know that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, that may very well become apparent to you. However, my intentions are whole-heartedly only for your well-being. I do everything in the hopes that my decisions will raise you to be a well-rounded child who grows to be a well-rounded adult.

I also decided to write this blog because maybe the words don’t always come out the way I want them to, or you misunderstand me. I am sure that we will have many of those. However mean or strict, angry or unapproachable I may seem to you. Please know that I love you, so much that there really are no words to fully describe the depth of my love for you. There are times when I look at you and all the sudden have this feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. A little dramatic much? Perhaps. I don’t know. But it is true.

More to come.

All my love, Mom