Dear Sincerity

[dearsincerity]

miss u

miss you too

[dearsincerity]

Alcohol is my escape

League is my escape

However, my time has run out

Back to reality

[dearsincerity]

You were around and disappeared

Could we ever be friends again?

I tried to reach out.

Maybe when I find myself again.

[dearsincerity]

I’m incapable of love.

[dearsincerity]

I’m a dreamer, not a realist.

[dearsincerity]

So many years of pain and I wonder what is wrong with me

[dearsincerity]

On days like today, where I feel alone and need an outlet, I come here. In my mind, I believe I’ve turned into this person I hate. Someone who is unable to dream, lacks intelligence and is boring. I go through my past posts hoping to confirm that I have really changed, that some time ago I really was this person my memory keeps reminding me of. The sad part is that what’s racing through my mind now, all the negative thoughts holding me back from happiness are exactly the same as they were two years ago. I keep thinking I’ve changed into someone I dislike but the truth seems to be that I haven’t. 

Sometime from now I’ll come back to read what I wrote again. I can tell you now that I feel incompetent and unliked. I feel like my personality is ugly. I feel stupid, almost as if the more schooling I do the less I know, like something inside my brain is erasing everything slowly. I analyze everything I do and critic it. Nothing is good enough. 

I hope I can’t relate to this in a few years from now. It’s truly heartbreaking. 

[dearsincerity]

I miss my friends.

I miss myself. 

I love the new but I miss the old. 

[dearsincerity]

Can’t help but miss the past.

[dearsincerity]

My heart is breaking.

Why did I think I could escape this? Why did I think I had been handed a free pass to love? 

Why was I so naive to open all my wounds to someone I barely knew. Did I think any good would come from it? I’ve created painful memories masked by happiness. 

You were my happiness, my joy. Transformed into someone without compassion and painstakingly cold. 

My heart is breaking. Piece by piece, I weep.  Why can’t you understand 

Why can’t you love me as I love you.

I can’t breathe. 

[dearsincerity]

I’m sorry.

My mind is always racing, overthinking everything.

Be simple they tell me. Be grateful, enjoy everything for what it is. 

I’ve adopted immaturity, irrationality. 

Can’t express myself, can’t explain myself. 

Reverting to the things that made me happiest. Hoping I’ll find the answer there. 

Hoping I’ll find myself.

[dearsincerity]

I want to be better.

I want to be a better person.

I want to be a better friend.

I want to be a better lover.

I want to be a better version of myself. 

[dearsincerity]

It’s always nice when you’ve found your other half.

[highmami]

if you hear people from my past speak of me. keep in mind they are speaking of a person they don’t even know anymore. 

[dearsincerity]

It’s always sad when I feel like I still need this. I may be overreacting but sometimes it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. Almost as if I’ve lost much of the respect you once had for me. 

[dearsincerity]

When life starts to fade away.

[dearsincerity]

I’ve decided that I probably won’t need this blog for what I initially created it for. I have someone in my life who makes me the happiest person in the world. Who will always be there for me. My second half ^^.