Homogenic was the one album that changed my opinion on music and a record that made me feel things that I had never felt before. I was released in September 1997 and I was 12 then. I got it for Christmas that year and I remember repeatedly taking it out of its packaging and studying every millimetre of it if before folding the poster back up, closing the book, folding the gatefold sleeve back together and placing it front facing on my shelf. Now you couldn’t just listen to a record like you can now kids! You didn’t carry every record ever made in your pocket. This was 1997 and we were a poor family. There was one stereo in our house, in the living room. I would come home from school, run upstairs, grab the record, lovingly and carefully unwrap it, put the CD in the tray and I knew I had about an hour before my Mum or sisters would get home from school. There I could just sit in front of the speakers and listen. I can’t tell you how many hours I sat there over the years. For my 13th Birthday Mum got me a really good pair of headphone and it was like rediscovering every song all over again. This time you could almost hear an entire new song behind the original one, there was bass and tone and layers and layers. (Track 5 - All Neon Like) I was really miserable and confused as a teenager, this album somehow managed to create a little haven I could escape to. I remember thinking that Björk must have been feeling all the things I was feeling, as it was like I had written those songs myself. She somehow understood it. Even though we were going through very different things the emotions were very similar. I was terrified of everything and everyone. I had this horrible poisonous hatred of myself and honestly I was a fucking mess. It is so sad and heartbreaking when I think back to it because it’s so unlike me now and I wish I could have somehow sorted myself out sooner. I guess I just didn’t understand any of my feelings or emotions. They confused me and rather than panic about them I tried to forget them. (Track 2 - ‘Jóga’) It was the same year I lost my virginity. I say lost it, I went out intentional to get rid of it. I was convinced if I could just have sex with a few girls I could tell myself I was actually okay and then I wouldn’t be gay. It didn’t work. It was so traumatic I thew up on the way home. (Track 7 - ‘Immature’) It was also the year I got beaten up by a cunt called Nigel who I swear to god if ever I saw him again I would put him though so much pain. I never really got upset about that, just angry. Even now I hate thinking about it. (Track 9 - ‘Pluto’) Despite the lack of love I had for myself I used to fantasise about sex and love constantly. I remember weirdly imagining what the weight of another Mans body would feel like on top of me. I guess that sounds pretty weird. I knew that somewhere in me I was hopelessly romantic I just couldn’t be that person yet. One day though, hopefully. (Track 10 - ‘All Is Full of Love’) Twenty-one years later and it still sounds as crisp, perfect and unlike anything else around. I still get waves of goosebumps and tummy flips at certain points. I feel like I know that record inside out, every lyric, every beat and string. That record knows me better than anyone on the planet, and that record knew me at a time when I had no idea who I was. I feel like I’m a completely different person now. I’m a still a mess, I will always be a mess. But now I am happy, Im not so aggressive, I know how to love and I know how to be loved, even by myself. And I like to think the character on the record cover would now smile if she saw me, she would be pretty proud.
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