Battlescars and Mended Hearts (Letâs Be Danes For Yule 2019)
A/N: This is a gift for @thewildbeauty I hope you like it and I hope I didnât disappoint. It is for the fic gift exchange Letâs Be Danes For Yule. Back to writing after a month or so! Also a huge thank you and shoutout to @geekandbooknerd for helping me with some ideas and helping me get back into the swing of writing!
Warnings: Lots of Angst and some fluff at the end, mentions of blood but nothing too graphic
Words: 2,286 (The most words Iâve ever written)
You had known Uhtred ever since you were a child. You grew up with him and the Danes. So, when the fire happened, it not only destroyed Uhtred but you as well. They were your family and when you lost them it felt like a giant hole had been punched into your chest. Your heart took a long time to heal after that. Uhtred helped you through it and eventually your heart didnât ache as much anymore. Uhtred trained you to be a warrior and that helped more than he knew. Finally you had something that you could channel your anger into.
It had always been the two of you but then more had joined. You gained Finan and Sihtric and finally you felt like you had a family again. However, throughout the years you spent with these amazing men you realized that there was one that you had feelings for and not in the familial sense. You fell in love with Finan. Besides Uhtred you felt like you had built this strong friendship with Finan and for you at least it became more than that.
You started getting butterflies in your stomach whenever he was near, when he smiled at you, or when he just talked about anything. It was like you felt a magnetic pull towards him and no matter how hard you tried to ignore this feeling, you just couldnât stop. The feelings kept getting stronger until one day you decided that you had to tell him. It was the day before one of the biggest battles that any of you were going to participate in. You realized that this might be your last chance to tell him. So, you walked up to him and asked if you could talk to him alone.
He agreed and followed you back to the house that you claimed as your own.
You took a deep breath and prepared yourself for what you were about to say. Then the doubt started to creep in. What if he doesnât feel the same? What if youâre not pretty enough for him? What if he thinks of you as nothing but a sister? You shoved those thoughts to the back of your mind because no matter what happened you had to tell him.
âFinan, there is something that I have been dreading to tell you for a long time now. When we first met we became fast friends but over time I started to feel something for you that I have never felt for anyone. I started to fall in love with you. The way you crack a joke to make the mood lighter, the way you prepare yourself for battle, the way you care for everyone of us, and the way you talk to me like I am a valued person and warrior. I am in love with you and I donât know if you feel the same about me but I just thought I should tell you before the battle. No one knows what will happen tomorrow but I wanted to confess so I had a clear head tomorrow. I also wanted to tell you because you deserve to know.â
You study his face when you have finished pouring your heart out and you donât like what you see. He looks confused and angry. The fact that he looks angry scares you and you know from that single facial expression that he doesnât feel the same. So, you do the only thing you can and prepare yourself for the rejection that is about to come.
He sighs and says, âY/N, I donât understand why you think that I would want to know this. Youâre young and what you think is love is just some silly little girlish fantasy. You may think you love me but I certainly donât love you. I also donât care about how you think you love me. There is nothing between us. I donât see you as a woman any longer. I see you as a girl with a silly crush. This changes everything that I thought about you.â
You want to scream and punch him but you canât move. You are stuck to this spot in pure shock. How could someone who you thought cared about you treat like youâre just some silly little girl? Youâve fought beside him and saved his life on numerous occasions. Well this has changed your opinion of him greatly but you canât help that stupid little voice, in the back of your head, reminding you that you still love him. Your heart has been ripped out and torn to pieces.
âHow dare you treat me like an ignorant child Finan? I have saved your life on several occasions when I couldâve just let yoI die. I thought we were friends but I see now that I have been fooled by you. I thought you were honorable and caring but that is all just an act to make people care about you. I want nothing to do with you. As soon as this battle is over I am leaving and you will never have to see me again. I am sorry that I disgust you with my feelings but my feelings are real. I want you to get out of my house while you can still walk. I hate you. LEAVE!â
He looks shocked for a brief moment before he schools his features back into not caring. He looks at you one last time before heading out the door. Then once he is gone you allow your emotions to run through you. You fall to the floor and sob uncontrollably. The tears are streaming down your face so much that you can barely see anything. All you want to do is wallow in your pain and stupidity but it is getting late and you have the biggest battle of your life tomorrow. So, you wipe away your tears and prepare for bed.
The next day you try to forget the events of yesterday. You donât want to feel the pain of heartbreak any longer. So, instead of wallowing in it you will use your anger in battle. But you know one thing for certain, you will either die in this battle or be leaving Wessex forever.
As everyone is preparing for battle you donât even look at Finan. Why spare him a glance when he didnât even spare you your feelings? He threw them back into your face and for that you will not even let him know that he has killed you on the inside. The battle starts and you feel the anger take over and you sort of blackout. You cut through body after body. Youâre doing so good not thinking about Finan but then you see him across the battlefield. He looks so good and in that few seconds of distraction you feel a stabbing pain in your side. You scream out in agony and kill the man who stabbed you.
You fall to the ground and grasp your side. When you remove your hand from your wound, your whole hand is covered in your blood. You laugh and think how ironic it is that this is the way you die because you got distracted by the one man who called you a silly little girl. As your eyes start to close all you can think about is how happy Finan is going to be when he realizes he doesnât have to worry about you loving him anymore.
You slowly blink your eyes open and memories come flooding back to you. You were fighting and got distracted by Finan. Then you were stabbed but you killed the man who stabbed you. Thatâs all you remember. But from the looks of things youâre in a tent on what looks like a hospital bed. You look at your wound and realize that it has been bandaged. What you donât expect however is seeing Finan asleep in a chair beside your bed. You are confused and angry all over again. How dare he have the audacity to be anywhere near you? No matter how angry you were you couldnât help but notice how peaceful and beautiful Finan looked when he was asleep. You shake your head to rid yourself of those destructive thoughts. As you shook your head though you felt dizzy.
You need to wake Finan up and get him the hell away from you before you lose your mind even more than you already have.
âFinan, wake up and leave now.â You yelled which caused him to jolt awake. You wanted to laugh but now wasnât the time. âWhat are you doing here? Did Uhtred send you here to look after me? That better be the only reason youâre sitting by my bed.â
He looked sad almost but you werenât going to be fooled by him.
âY/N, I am terribly sorry for the horrible things I said to you the day before the battle. I thought I didnât love you and you suddenly telling me that you loved me scared me beyond belief. As soon as those words were out of my mouth and I saw the anger and sadness on your face I wanted to take back my words. I wanted to give you space before..â
âFinan, I donât want to hear your excuses. Just please leave.â
âY/N, please let me finish what I have to say and if you still want nothing to do with me then I promise I will leave you alone forever.â
You sigh but you want to hear what he has to say. âFine you may say what you need to say.â
âThank you. I was saying I wanted to give you some space before I came to apologize for being rude and my uncalled for behavior. Y/N, I have never been in love before so when you confessed your feelings for me it scared me so I tried to push you away. Thatâs what I do best. I wanted to come to you after the battle and apologize and confess some things to you as well. But you were badly wounded in battle and I couldnât tell you. I saw you fall and I fought my way over to you. I have never been so scared in my life. I thought I was going to lose you. I rushed you back to camp and I thought I was going to lose my mind. I told Uhtred everything about what had happened and he punched me in the face. He told me that I am an idiot and when you woke up I needed to make things up to you. So, I havenât left your bedside in days. I talked to you everyday to keep myself sane. Now that youâre awake I want to tell you that I am an idiot and I will understand if you never want to talk to me again. But I have to tell you that I love you and I will do anything you want me to. I will do anything until I can make this up to you and prove to you how crazy I am about you. Now Iâm done you can take as much time as you need to process this. Iâll come back in a few days and I will do whatever you tell me to.â
You are as shocked as you were a few days ago. You knew Finan wasnât usually one to open up about his feelings and he did build up walls to protect himself. Whatever you thought he was going to say it wasnât that. He loved you and Uhtred punched him in the face. That made you want to laugh. Uhtred always was protective of you. Finan opened up to you and he doesnât even opened up to Uhtred or Sihtric. That means you know he is telling you the truth. Now what do you do with this information? Do you let him leave and make him work for it or do you tell him to stay and kiss him? You knew right away what to do considering his past.
âFinan wait.â That made him stop in his tracks and turn back to you. âI know you are telling the truth. I know how hard it is for you to open up to people. So, as much as I would like to make you work for it, I wonât. What I will make you do is everyday I want you to tell me how much you love me and if we ever get in an argument donât walk out on me or quit on us. You have to promise me Finan.â
He knelt down beside you and said, âY/N, I promise you that I will tell you and show you how much I love you. I promise you that if we get in an argument I wonât walk out on you or quit on us. I am done hurting you. I love you so much.â
You smiled and said, âI love you so much too Finan and I am so glad that you finally told me what you really wanted to say. Now I am done with words so please kiss me.â
He smiled from ear to ear and his eyes shone so bright. You both were seconds away from tears but he leaned down and kissed all of your worries and the past few days away. It was your first kiss and even though it was in the hospital tent it was so romantic. From now on the both of you will be building a strong and healthy relationship. No looking back and no regrets.
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