i think this is the only place where i can bury my feelings and tell a story
so whilst walking home one day, i felt someone following me back to my apartment... turned out she lived here too, we engaged in small talk and exchanged facebooks.
i messaged her a few days after, just to chat. mistake?
we started talking over fb messenger.. asking random things and getting to know each other.. how she found her place, knew anyone else in the building, the ongoing events, netflix, cooking.. the small stuff.
after a bit, it might have been interpreted as something different. but i asked her if she wanted to grab lunch together one of those days.. she agreed and we set the time and place. i wanted to try a restaurant that i hadn’t tried before.
we continued talking through the days leading up.. travelling, where she lived before, her work, what she was doing during the day..
“you just made me giggle at my phone”
we always started and ended the day with good morning and good night..
“good night! dream of me”
but then she got really personal, she talked about her insecurities, self-esteem, her lack of communication with her dad, her admiration of him..
she would also say things like;
“your replies are so late :( damn it’s hard to talk to you”
coming home one day, saw her and she wanted to grab dinner but i already had plans.. so we put it off to tomorrow.. and we did get dinner... japanese because i was full and she was full from lunch..
she seemed to have a good time.. don’t know if she really did
learned a bit more about each other.. asked about my dating history.. if the girls in my class were pretty..
“damn kinda want to see you tho”
we grabbed the second half of the dinner the day after, the dessert... she seemed distracted.. looking away.. what was on her mind?
she “had fun as per usual”
she was sad that night.. i asked “what’s up” but was only met with “don’t worry, i’ll get over it somehow”
she went a roadtrip for the next few days, sending pictures to help her decide what to put on her instagram.. not that it mattered really but to each their own..
“but doesn’t beat ice cream and japanese with ya”
we still didn’t miss the usual..
"good night! sleep well dream of me” and “good morning sunshine” she sent
i went on road trip.. she was concerned about whether there would be girls... which i don’t think mattered.
she became distant from this point.. did i say something wrong? was i not allowed to go on roadtrips with people? we were not even exclusive or even the beginning of an item.. we were two people talking through fb messenger who went to dinner and dessert..
the messages slowed down.. from morning to night conversations, it went to a few per day... never missing the morning and night greetings though
our paths crossed and were now diverging.. fast.. faster
then the day of the lunch, she had to reschedule because of work.. but she wanted to play pool as we didn’t on the day of the dinner... she had recently learnt it and said it was fun
asking her what she was doing and how were her days.. seemed to become a drag.. no conversation flow..
message sent at 10:11... reply received at 16:27
i went to the place she worked.. waited for her to finish because she said that she hated walking alone at night on w/ends.. too many drunkos... i obliged..
after this night... i don’t know what happened. it was raining, we were huddled up under an umbrella. did she expect me to hold her close? did she want this relationship to become something more? i didn’t.. i wanted to take it slow..
we went back to my apartment because she needed something...
we parted ways... and she was not the same after that.. or was i not the same? it felt awkward between us.. saw her playing pool a day after and said hi.. but she backed away and seemed to avoid me..
“goodnighty! sleep well dream of me”
i decided to take initiative to try and clear any misunderstandings between us.. i rescheduled that lunch
we met up.. conversation became deep.. she was going through some shit.. but never mentioned it when we talked online..
“i don’t someone with sweet words, i want someone who will show it through actions”
was it directed at me? did she want more from this relationship and i just didn’t show it?
however, she didn’t want a friend of hers and classmate of mine to know that we knew each other.. why
we said our goodbye’s... the last hug felt cold. no heart. no feelings. no sincerity.
i messaged her to talk more but was only met a wall, invited her to play pool, she said
“good night maybe some other time”
she was avoiding me. for sure. reason: unknown.. was she having doubts? maybe she wanted space?
i messaged her to chat.. i wanted to know what was on her mind...then her truth comes out a day after...
“i’m not ready to let anyone else in, not now exactly. and perhaps me and you, were going way too fast”
so.. i took this under the chin..
i’m not sure where the line between friendship and potential relationship was crossed.
does a string of messages everyday imply a budding relationship? does a dinner and dessert involve a relationship after? is sending each other pictures of a roadtrip only exclusive to people who want to become an item? aren’t good mornings and good night a thing friends do? is playing pool a metaphor for something more? coming over to someone’s place at night to borrow a cleaning product not allowed? did we flirt, rather did i flirt back?
i’m really not sure how it turned out this way..
couldn’t we just have been friends? i just wanted to know more about you.. i didn’t want this to develop into this mess, we only knew each other for 3 weeks.
