How to Help a Friend with BPD
1. If we ask you if youāre mad at us, or if youāre still friends with us, please realize that it is NOT a reflection of you. You didnāt do anything wrong. Our illness is constantly telling us youāll leave us, or that you see us as burdens. Sometimes we need to hear confirmation from you to ease our anxiety. So please, please donāt be upset with us.
2. Recognize that itās hard for us to maintain contact with others, even our best friends. Again, our illnesses tell us that if you really want to spend time with us, youāll ask us. Weāre terrified that you just hang out with us out of pity. So when you text us first or ask us to hang out first, thatās proof to us that you actually want to see us.
3. Text us every once in a while. Little gestures like that remind us that you still consider us your friends. And receiving a message like that, even if itās something simple like a silly anecdote, really makes our day.
4. Understand that our mood swings are very difficult to manage. Even when we know it doesnāt logically make sense for us to be depressed/anxious/angry/etc about something, we canāt control our emotions, no matter how hard we try. Trying to use logic to show that our emotions are irrational doesnāt help. So be patient with us, while recognizing that you arenāt responsible for managing our emotions.
5. Sometimes we decide to take breaks from drinking, so please keep that in mind before asking us to drink. Alcohol can worsen our symptoms if we drink too much, especially when we relapse. I only drink if I feel itās safe for me to do so. But sometimes I wonāt drink for months because Iām not doing well and I know alcohol will only make it worse. If I tell you Iām not drinking for personal reasons because Iām struggling with my illness, please donāt forget that and definitely donāt pressure me.
6. Help us set boundaries with you. Sometimes Iāll be clingy and want your attention all the time. Other times Iāll be distant and need space from everyone. These changes might be confusing for you because they happen without reason. Be honest with us and let us know if weāre too far on either extreme.
7. For reasons I donāt completely understand, a lot of us with BPD hate being touched.Ā This is also true for some survivors of sexual assault or abuse, and a lot of people with BPD have been sexually assaulted or abused before. Ask us if itās okay for you to put your arm around us or hug us, especially when weāre in distress.
8. If youāre making plans with mutual friends of ours but arenāt inviting us, please donāt talk about these plans in front of us. It may well be that you arenāt inviting us because weāre busy and canāt make it anyway, or you know we wonāt enjoy the outing (for example, if youāre going to hike and we hate exercise of any kind). However, if youāre getting a group together of people we know and could hang out with, weāll feel especially isolated when we arenāt invited. Weāre constantly looking for signs that our friends will abandon us, or donāt want us around, or secretly hate us. Weāll wonder why we werenāt invited, and this is especially triggering for us.
9. If we text you something that warrants a response (like a question or a personal issue), please do your best to text us back as soon as you can. When a friend doesnāt reply, especially a friend who frequently checks their phone, I interpret this as evidence that Iām worthless to them. It may well be that theyāre busy, or that they didnāt receive the message, or that they just forgot to respond. Again, though I recognize that these are the most likely scenarios, I canāt stop myself from feeling this is a sign that sheās going to abandon me.Ā
10. Not everyone with BPD will act out (like accusing you of abandoning us or starting an argument) or use manipulating behaviors, but some of us do. And we feel extremely bad about this. Right after we start an argument, we spiral into self-loathing about it. We know that acting out is bad. We donāt actually want to hurt or manipulate you. We struggle with our overwhelming emotions and while we canāt suppress these emotions, with help we CAN learn to express and manage them in healthy ways. And again, not everyone with BPD will act out. There are mentally healthy people who manipulate others and feel perfectly fine in doing so, and there are mentally ill people who act out under extreme distress, feel immensely guilty about it, and do what they can to stop these behaviors.
