This is a long post, I may make it private soon but I felt the need to write this today, for what reason I don’t fully understand still. But I’m glad I did, if anyone reads this, happy new year.
Sometimes I miss this. I know that there are barely any active people here, and that’s why I feel more comfortable writing this now, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while and trying to understand why I stopped posting here at a time when it meant so much to me, while also seeking a sense of finality.
When I started and was active on my blog I either wanted to exist very badly in the world, or existed (very badly) in the world. At first I was pretty young and didn’t live at home and wanted to be free, and when I came home I was technically ‘free’ and started leaving the house more but still had time for this site. Namely because I was very optimistic and motivated by different things, mostly fashion and beauty (and being beautiful) and the idea of something more, something bigger, and my world became bigger than it had been for a while, whether it was something I created through my blog or my imagination, or whether it was feeling free/good/safe enough to go out on my own just to be out and around people (who I did not know). That changed pretty rapidly sometime in 2015 and I stopped feeling able to leave the house (I haven’t left the house on my own in years) and my anxiety just grew so strong regarding how I felt about myself and just about everything in my life, I didn’t have any motivation, optimism, positivity (things I felt were a big part of who I was) and I didn’t even care that I’d lost those things (& more) because I was in the throes of something that was pretty self sabotaging. I’d joke about being a hermit but the fact was that my world became very very small, pretty much confined to my bedroom where I’d just sit in this mindset and worry about things out of my control (important things, non important things, legal things, irrational things, illogical things etc) and I felt trapped, in my past, my own body, my mind. This made me believe that I wasn’t the person that people who followed my blog thought I was. I’d always been honest about how I was doing in some personal posts, but I was hiding a lot of things in my life that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about or could not talk about, but people would message me saying I had a beautiful life (which I understand because I often only put across the pretty parts of my life) or compliment my positive personality, things along those lines. And despite the sweetness that I’ve always been grateful for from people who sent me messages such as these (I’ve kept the majority of them), I just felt like saying how wrong they were, because now I was this shell of who I used to be and I felt like a huge fraud because I didn’t feel positive anymore, I wasn’t inspired by anything anymore, I couldn’t pretend to be happy and I didn’t want to exist in any capacity in the world (anymore) all while not wanting to bring what I created on my blog down, I also became uncomfortable with the amount of followers I had because the more there were the more people I was potentially letting down and I just could not bring myself to post anymore. This, paired with the fact that I was constantly mentally and physically exhausted was a surefire way to assure that posting was not something I wanted or felt able to do, which is crazy to think about because this really was one of the only things I cared about, and I always used to think about how if I ever stopped my blog I/other people should worry because that’s all I had. I remember one time one of my favourite bloggers wrote something about how they didn’t want to post anymore, they were very popular and I thought ‘how can they do that they have such a perfect blog and so many followers they’re crazy!’ and then when I started feeling a similar way, I understood it. So I retreated, and people both on the internet and off asked why I stopped and I would just say that I was taking a break but I knew that that was a lie and that I was essentially done with it. Now it’s almost 2019, and this year (more so this last 2 months) there has been monumental change in my personal life. Something that had been going on for over 5 years came to an end, something I was waiting a long time for, and now that I’m learning to no longer be mentally and physically trapped in a moment in time I’m wondering where to go next with my newfound freedom and just generally thinking about a lot of things regarding my life. I’m really not the same 16 year old who made this blog, nor am I the same 17-18-19-20-21 etc year old who kept it going. But I was that girl, and I shouldn’t feel so guilty about the fact that unfortunate circumstances altered my life/viewpoint/who I started to become, though I do feel I’m getting back to being who I was/truly am, just in a different way and more evolved. I’m feeling more positive and optimistic again (but not blindly so) and I think I finally want to exist in the world again, though I don’t know in what capacity, how, or where, but the simple fact that I WANT to and that I want to do something is encouraging in itself and definitely makes me happy because it’s quite scary to not care about anything, and even more so to not even care about the fact that you don’t care. It’s also scary to care too much.
And I know that no one really follows this anymore, nor did anyone ever ask for a post like this, and no one will really see it but I felt the need to reflect on something that I didn’t realise I felt so strongly about. I would use this blog not only for fashion posts but also for ‘personal’ posts, random things about my life - movies I watched, if I’d had a bad day, a good day, my travels - really whatever was on my mind - so it felt fitting to put this here to have, though maybe I’ll make this post private at some point, I don’t know. This blog is a little archive of images, but because of my personal posts it is also a little archive of my life as a late teenager/early adult and I am thankful that I can look back at that. This blog has been a ride, I’ve had stalkers tell me they can cure my autism (lol) and more odd interactions, but I was also friends with awesome people, I learnt a lot about fashion which I still very much adore, I felt apart of a community and perhaps most importantly I realised I was/am capable of accomplishing something. I don’t think I’ll ever get back to posting fashion here, but that’s ok, right now I just feel excited because 2019 is going to be a huge beginning and I’m hoping that by writing this down that it somewhat speaks it into existence. So here is to the new year, and newness. From Me to Me.
