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for a third time i feel betrayed by my body.

but

i am good.

i am happy.

i am HEALTHY.

i am whole.

i am enough.

i am changing.

i have a fear of becoming stagnant (again).

sometimes, when it comes to my job, i feel this. that’s a lie. daily, when it comes to my job, i feel this. but giving up the extreme flexibility is hard. feeling forever indebted to my father doesn’t help either.

however, when i stop to look at the other aspects of my life, i am growing. i am changing. i am evolving.

i have been challenged by the wilderness this year. extreme landscapes are remolding me. i can move faster, carry more weight, find a route better. i can go alone. i can ignore the ego and turn around without hesitation. i can survive.

as a liberal city dweller i truly believe the american west would not be the incredible place it is if it weren’t for rural communities. i believe in our public lands, but i am learning not all private landowners are horrible. those who have conservation easements on their land are doing good. not all ranchers are ruining the land. in fact, responsible grazing is important for conservation in the west. there are conservative rural communities that are doing good for this place. even if our politics don’t align, i am doing my best to understand them - see their point of view.

this winter i am going to learn how to shoot a gun. A GUN. i hate guns, but i desperately want to know what it feels like to put ethically sourced meat on the table. to feed the humans i love with animal i harvested with my own two hands.

i am deeply tied to the land out west. more now than ever before. but my loyalty to place is changing? maybe not changing, but i feel divided. saguaro roots & granite giants. i feel a pull to both of these places. i am of the desert west, but i feel a strong sense of place in the interior west as well. which do i choose? do i have to choose? can we make both places our home?

always evolving, ever growing. isn’t that what we all hope for?

and despite the shifts, i realize my core values are stronger than they’ve ever been. i am more ME than i have ever been.

goodness gracious the last few months have flown by!

grand canyon trips galore - i took my sister to the colorado for her first trip into the big, beautiful chasm. the following weekend i bagged my first summit with the mountain man to celebrate my birthday, and then returned the next weekend for some solo rim to river canyon miles. over labor day i completed my first R2R2R with seven incredible humans. 45M in 19hrs. i can’t stress how damn good i felt the whole day! my feet were covered in blisters, but i was keeping up with the two fastest guys most of the day. i just found my grove and was CRUISING.

the first weekend in may i helped drive the mountain man up to spokane. that is a terribly long drive, but we managed to see a bunch of our dearest friends along the way. we made a quick stop in yellowstone too! once we were at the property i got tour of all the trails they built last summer. i was blown away. what they’ve created is ART. it’s a shame the public won’t ever get to ride those trails.

last weekend i was in SLC to celebrate a friends 30th birthday. she celebrated with a 30M run. my best friend and i ran the last 15M with her. it was such a happy weekend. best friend, boyfriend, more humans i adore, and far too much beer.

i’m running again!!! i found this incredible group of women who run every thursday in a preserve in the middle of phoenix. THIS IS THE COMMUNITY I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS. it brings me so much joy. hands down, it is the most positive and supportive group of women i have ever been apart of. it might also be the only time i’ve been surround by women who don’t talk about heir bodies negatively. i’m so grateful i found these women.

when i haven’t been away i’ve been home enjoying my bed and books and the farmer’s markets. but to be honest, the weekends at home have been hard. my grandfather’s azlheimer’s has stolen him from us, and a few week backs i found out another family member has some serious health problems. it’s been sad and overwhelming. i’ve cried a lot. plus, watching the superstitions burn has left me feeling hopeless.

i’m leaving july 2nd to spend two months with the mountain man. it’s exciting! a bit scary! thankfully, i’ve been able to keep my anxiety under control. we’ll be in spokane for a few weeks while he finishes a project; then it’s off to whitefish until labor day! we’ll be 30mins from glacier, and two hours from some incredible and less populated mountain ranges. also, HUCKLEBERRIES.

this weekend i’m heading to portland for a family trip, and then i’m hoping to get to flagstaff my last weekend in AZ. it’s kind of weird to be leaving for a summer. the heat defines so much of who i am, and after the colder/wetter winter/spring we’ve had, i finally feel like i’m thawing out with these 100+ degree days.

this year is flying by. it’s been filled with tons of adventure and joy, but damn, can it please just slow down a bit?

tldr: i’ve been busy. it’s been great. sometimes it’s been sad. now i’m leaving for two months. HUCKLEBERRIES & MOUNTAINS.

the blessing becomes our curse.

the blessing

an abundance of rain - one glorious monsoon season, followed by an extremely wet october, continued with a rainy winter and spring.

our curse

the superstition wilderness is burning.

and our hearts are breaking.

this isn’t a surprise.

as we stood in awe of a vibrantly green desert floor in march, as we sat back in amazement of fields and fields of the tiny beautiful things, and as our hearts filled up with gratitude because the creek beds were overflowing with water in the desert

it was always in the back of our minds.

wildfire season

we knew it was coming. we knew it would be devastating. but i don’t think any of us expected it to happen so close to home in a place we all adore.

the superstitions are on fire.

a fire started by man.

what do you do when the place that’s saved you, challenged you, changed you is under threat?

there is a canyon with a creek, in the middle of a remote wilderness area, where boulders the size of houses have fallen down filling the canyon with hidden gems - massive caves filled with waterfalls, sandy beaches, and gorgeous slick rock. this was our destination.

getting to it was demoralizing.

despite knowing how remote this place was, i was naively optimistic about how easy-ish getting to our campsite ( a confluence of two creeks) would be. the goal was to hike the first 7M in the morning, set up camp, and then have the whole afternoon to explore the main creek. HA. after a late start, it took us 7hrs and 9M to get to the confluence. they were a draw dropping, but horrendous 9M. we had just enough time to set up the tent, collect firewood, and filter water before the sun went down.

the next morning we got up fairly early and headed to the creek. i love boulder hoping, despite being terrible at it, because it’s just one massive jungle gym to climb around on. we could have spent a full day exploring this amazing little creek, but we had another 7M to hike out. HA. once again, seven turned to nine, and the route finding/bushwhacking was excruciating.

i am getting much better at overland/off trail hiking - especially uphill with a heavy load.

i am not getting better at keeping my cool when i have to walk through chest high manzanita, CATCLAW, and scrub oak with yucca hiding in their shadows for hours on end. chaparral is the worst.

also, i am terrible at enjoying the process/journey over getting to the destination. i have always been bad at this, despite knowing the process is EVERYTHING. i kept getting frustrated with our slow progress on saturday, but the mountain man reminded me to look around because where we were was beautiful - that alone should be enough.

and of course, it was.

the big beautiful ditch | 3.17-3.20 |

aka the corridor extravaganza

aka R2R2R (and an extra 10 side miles for fun)

i want more 30M days.

#sweat happy

MAGIC THURSDAY the eggs i found on my run a few weeks ago have hatched, and our saguaro seeds have sprouted!!! two fluffy curved bill thrashers & eight sauguaro sprouts! today is very special. up next: ski day followed by four days in the big beautiful ditch. happy march!

good gracious, i love arizona. its the most beautiful time of the year in the valley, and because we’ve had an extremely wet winter, the little wild things are in abundance.

i’m writing in my journal every day. this has been a battle for the last couple of years. i’d sit to write and could hardly get anything down. it either felt unimportant or far too overwhelming to make a permanent record of it.

a few weeks back i took a ski lesson at snowbowl, and then i went to brighton to ski with my best friend, brenna, and her boyfriend! i will forever be a summer child with a devotion to heat and extra sunny days, but i’m befriending winter! i might even enjoy the weird white fluffy stuff and colder temperatures. man, sometimes you surprise yourself!

i am in need of dirty feet and chaco tanlines.

we’ve got a big backpacking trip in GCNP in a few weeks - a minimum of 44M in four days, but most likely 50+ because i really want to check out the utah flats area. i’ve heard it’s beautiful, and it’s the starting point for two summits.

still struggling with stagnation, inadequacy, and insecurities, but limiting my social media usage is helping my brain a lot. know when to say yes and when to say no. know when to censor. know when to bend and when to stand tall. self awareness is everything.

yesterday on my run i found a treasure(!!!): a curved bill thrasher’s nest with two beautiful teal eggs in it! their incubation period is 12-15 days, and then the young stay in the nest for another 14-18 days. it’s at a park across the street from where i live, so i plan on checking on it daily.

my current writing prompt: joy is...

2.2-2.3 | i really just wanted to toughen myself up

i had found this route a few weeks back on a local hiking database and was extremely intrigued. there are a ton of seasonal waterfalls in this wilderness area, and i knew the weekend rain would make for magic - as well as a sufferfest.

saturday morning my dad helped us shuttle the cars - this was a point to point trek instead of an out to back. the first trail we took was created in the 1930s, and is not maintained. it was 4.5M straight up through a bunch of bullshit with 40ish pounds on my back. i have never moved so slow in my life, and i’m not quite sure why. i’ve done waaaay tougher stuff, but for some reason i could not move quickly. we we’re steady but averaging 42min miles. once we got to the 7k ft pass, my naive self immediately thought we’d hit our next trail, the mazatzal divide. compared to what we were just on it was deemed a “super highway.” HA. instead we were greeted with a half mile and 600ft descent of chest high manzanita. the already faint trail became even fainter, and we were just bushwhacking through most of it.

once on the divide, our pace drastically picked up and we were at our campsite in no time. the storm hadn’t rolled in yet, so we had some fun checking out the canyon views and two of the seasonal waterfalls. i forgot my down jacket (what an idiot!), but we managed to have a big fire for most of the night. we were both exhausted and crawled into the tent around 8pm. by 11pm the storm arrived. between the wind gusts an the relentless rain (it didn’t let up until 10am the next morning), neither of us slept well.

we started packing up around 7am the next morning; then stopped by the waterfalls for one more quick look. MAGIC - holy & wild perfection for the soul. we got back on the divide trail which eventually lead us to our final trail for a spooky descent down the canyon to our car.

we did 9+ miles in 3hrs on sunday.

saturday’s 7+ took almost six hours.

my goal was to do some beautiful but shitty weather miles to work on my mental toughness...mission accomplished.

my legs are very tired and heavy today, but my soul is full of joy.

#sweat happy

1.21.19 | salado indian ruins

there is an abundance of cliff dwellings inhabited by the salado indians around the tonto basin area. this wilderness area specifically has a large concentration of them throughout different canyons. they’re believed to be inhabited between 1280ad - 1350ad.

we spent the morning traversing along a canyon wall to get to a canyon that had FIVE sites of ruins. FIVE! it was incredible. each site was quite large compared to other salado ruins i’ve been to. most of the dwellings are in shambles, but we guessed there were anywhere from 5-10 rooms at each site. they had incredible views of cherry creek valley, and there were a ton of springs close by for their water source.

the second part of our day was spent finding the “crack house” - a cliff dwelling built into a crack in the cliff face. the trek up to this site was horrible. there’s not a lot of traffic (thankfully) so the trail is very faint. we spent a lot of time hiking straight up a shitty scree-ish field covered with things trying to kill you. every step was met with the dirt and rocks below your feet falling away. it was terrible, but it was 200% worth it. the crack house is BRILLIANT. a three story cliff dwelling with a balcony over looking a gorgeous canyon with views of the cherry creek valley! our minds were blown.

bonuses: hiking behind a seasonal waterfall. indian paintbrush is out! a group of poppies above the punch bowl we hiked over to get to the crack house. having both areas all to ourselves. sunset on a dirt road, surrounded by mighty saguaros, with a view of the east side of four peaks.

a mid week weenie roast date, in the land trust, during golden hour on the supes.

my life needs more of this.

i haven’t been motivated. my car was broken into last weekend. insurance companies suck. my grandfather is getting worse. i’m feeling stuck & stagnate & inadequate. i’m drinking too much coffee so my anxiety is high and my heart is acting funny. i miss my fellow boo boo.

but the valley is SO green and the wild little things are blooming everywhere.

i had a feeling that 2019 was going to be a hard year - just one of those seasons. i have to remember to seek out the little wild things. joy is all around me. i need to linger and look and it will always be there waiting for me to enjoy.

12.15.18 | day of love in the superstition wilderness

i have a really broad goal for next year of becoming more competent and efficient in the mountains.

i am still trying to figure out what the specifics are and how to execute them. i know i don’t want to feel like an anchor. i don’t think i’ve ever been viewed as one, but i also know i am with people who could move faster and higher than me.

i want a few grand canyon summits. i want gannett peak. i want another peak in the beartooths. i want the grand. i want the palisade traverse.

it’s less about standing on the tippy top of these giants, and more about who i can become in the process. my future ego might regret this, but failure in the mountains would also be welcomed.

i want the hard way over & over & over again next year.

my devotion to the west is steadfast | 11.30-12.2

this wilderness area is about a 4hr drive to the east entrance and a 2.5hr drive the west entrance. in between lies a 14M canyon where a beautiful creek runs and numerous side canyons are waiting for you to explore. the best part of this specific wilderness area is that it’s permitted. no more than 50 people are allowed in it at any given time. we saw one human outside of our party both days we went in. IT WAS HEAVEN.

saturday we hiked the main canyon about half way before turning off to booger canyon. booger was such a delight! boulders the size of houses, an abundance of waterfalls, and so much scrambling! it was a choose your own adventure kind of side canyon. we all kept exclaiming, “i‘m so happy right now!” and “this is incredible!” after our trek into the wilderness we headed up the road to see the most intact indian dwellings in all of arizona. they were occupied by the salado indians from 1300-1450 a.d. despite all of this awesomeness, the highlight of the day was seeing a band of coati on our way to the dwellings. I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE A COATI. they were running all around us - up trees and along the canyon walls. it was adorable!

sunday the mountain man and i headed back into the main canyon to make a quick detour to another side canyon. it was a completely different experience than the day before. no scrambling, just some easy walking as the canyon walls closed in on us. we had to turn around quite early because we were on a time crunch to get back to phoenix. our drive home was gorgeous. the rain from friday left mount graham and mount turnball covered in snow.

the diversity of my state, and the west in general, always amazes me.

i don’t know how anyone lives east of NM, CO, WY, and MT.

i always get writing prompts/ideas in my head when i’m out on a trail. then i find myself repeating them over and over and over again until i have a moment to write them down.

here are three. the first one i’ve had on paper since march 2017.

i have not been able to elaborate on them or make them cohesive. so,maybe if i just put them out there i can be done with them or continue them? i have no idea.

pen to paper can be so hard sometimes.

this is more for me than you.

these are the only pictures i have from thanksgiving weekend.

ridgeline miles in the superstitions with my best boo boo was exactly what my soul needed. we both miss hiking with each other, and it felt good to get lost a few times in our favorite wilderness area. i did the ridgeline for the first time two years ago. it was so much easier than i remembered. i don’t think i’m any fitter, but my perception of difficult has drastically changed. i can do really hard and emotionally/mentally/physically draining things. so, with the exception of getting lost twice (which i anticipated) this was a very pleasant day!

thanksgiving weekend was the big hug my soul needed. the mountain man is HOME. i managed to enjoy the thanksgiving eats while navigating this post whole30 food freedom life. i laughed uncontrollably. the sunsets were incredible at the gold canyon house. i felt love all around me.

thoughts, observations, & words i shouldn’t say:

they are unwelcoming, disinterested, and dismissive to me/us. they don’t treat you like they should. i do not want to spend any of my time with them during the holidays.

your death is giving them their brother back.

you are irresponsible.

when he passes, no one’s coming to visit you because of the way you’ve treated him. i don’t love you anymore.

you too are irresponsible. you are also ungrateful. how can you not realize that you’re holding him back from a future he deserves?

i lie awake most nights terrified you’ll heart will just stop because of the amount of stress you have in your life.

it feels like our dreams of a home keep getting pushed further and further back.

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