July Diary
I don't have anywhere to share the stupid thoughts in my head so I'm just going to start adding them below.
7/8/2026
Ego finds itself in everything, but love finds someone else in everything.
I've been letting my ego do a lot of talking lately, and I keep having to catch myself.
I was talking to a friend about apophenia & synchronicity. She gave me some good advice...to internalize the synchronicities, and view them as a guide for self-love rather than a guide for an external journey.
The only way for me to do that, is to reject the first initial thought that comes to mind when I see a synchronicity or something I view as a typical guide. I have to sit and ask myself.... What am I being guided towards, and why is my initial thought not for self if I know I need to work on myself.
Now bear with me.
Part of what i'm working on is remaining kind...and this is where I keep having to correct myself. So I need to apply the same advice in this aspect of my life. Before I speak or write anything, I need to ask myself two questions... what is the intention behind what I'm saying or writing, and in the goal of bettering myself, how does what I am saying or writing contribute to that goal.
Song of the Day:
Ghost - Whirr
Verse of the Day:
"Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of the countenance the heart is made better"
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7/9/2026
It’s surprising how many new friends I have made over the past few months, and what each of them has already contributed to my life through their friendship.
I find a lot of value in the people I meet. I’m not talking about "value" in terms of what they can do for me or give to me, but in how they make me better or push me to do better.
For example, a new girlfriend of mine checks in with me every day. She doesn’t care that I talk about the same things over and over again, and she is still willing to give me the same advice she has given me ten times over... each time more encouraging than the last. She balances tough love with gentle reaffirmation so well. I appreciate her healing nature and what a good friend she has been to me.
Another friend I’ve made recently knows all about my problems, especially when it comes to money. He understands why I am working so much and keeps track of my weekly earnings goals; he checks in with me to see if I’ve hit them. He even offered to send me money to help me complete a goal one time. I said no, but I still appreciate the offer. He has encouraged me when I feel like stopping and celebrated with me when I succeed. I feel like my accomplishments aren't just passive survival efforts/ helping other people anymore, but something to be proud of.
I got rid of social media for a while because I felt like too many people were able to easily access me. It sounds weird, but I just felt exposed, and even having a private page felt like too much. Only about three people talk to me on a daily basis now, but I am so happy to have met them and to connect with them. None of them live anywhere near me, but they still add so much to my life in the ways that I need.
People (most of them) are so wonderful if you truly appreciate who they are. Even if they're only in your life for a season; from 10 minutes to a lifetime...find value in everyone. Find the light in everyone.
Song of the Day:
Charge It To The Game - Karri
Verse of the Day:
"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness."
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7/10/2026
Trying to be kind to everyone isn't just hard to do; it's also incredibly lonely.
Kindness is like sunlight, right?
It's free, it's vast, it touches us all. We all need it. The earth needs it, the animals need it. It's a resource for everyone because it's warm and it's rare, and from the right person, it makes us feel special...but that's part of the problem.
When we've gone our whole lives without people showing us consistent care or consideration (true kindness), we start to treat it like a finite resource when someone finally does give it to us consistently. Like someone's finally made an investment in us, and wow, does that feel good, but that investment starts to feel less like sunlight and more like something we own.
Now, let me back this up for a second, because kindness is a choice. It's very important to establish that, because choosing to be kind and consistent with it is difficult. You have to question your own intentions, figure out where your own boundaries are, and navigate everyone else's, too. If you don't set boundaries or learn how to handle conflict in a way that doesn't make you agreeable to abuse, well then, your kindness absolutely becomes your weakness...and people notice this. The point I'm trying to make is that it's difficult, it requires discernment, and it's an ongoing choice you have to make.
It's easy to develop strong bonds when you give and receive kindness on a consistent basis. I mentioned how, from the right person, it makes us feel special. That feeling is ADDICTING. We want to guard this resource that's made us feel this way. We don't want anyone else to have it.
Why would we not want the kindness that we received to be given to everyone if it's so good? If it's not given to just us, are we still special? The answer to that is yes, but we, as humans with our overthinking brains, don't see it that way.
Think about the act of "paying it forward" in the drive-thru. (Hear me out, because I know people have a ton of arguments for WHY they wouldn't, blah blah blah...that's all your overthinking brain, and your CHOICE, and it's okay to say no. That's not the point here.) When you're the first person in a pay-it-forward line, and the person in front of you pays for your order, think of how special that feeling is. Like, 'Wow, someone went out of their way to make my day and received nothing in return.' It's a good feeling. Now, imagine you find out you're the 100th person in that pay-it-forward line...is it still as special to you if 99 other people had their day made before you? Yes, but our overthinking brains kick in and now the kindness comes with obligation and pressure. Why is this chain going on so long? What if the person behind me has a big order? What if everyone else's was just small and I'm the one getting screwed over? Comparison, questions...all of that floods our brains. It's no longer just something that made us feel special.
So, imagine you have that special feeling of being the first one in that line, given to you on a regular basis. Oh, we want to possess that like Gollum and his precious little ring. As soon as we see that kindness given to others by the person who has made us feel special, even in the smallest doses, it makes us question ourselves. The comparisons come in; the questions start. 'Am I still special?' The truth is, yes, because everyone is special and everyone deserves kindness.
So why is choosing to be kind to all, as much as you possibly can, lonely? Because just as fast as kindness can build strong bonds, it can tear them all down. If someone sees your kindness to others as a devaluing of themselves, your character gets questioned. Now your kindness isn't just the baseline of who you are; it's seen as a threat, a personal insult to their self-worth, a devaluing of self because now they don't feel so special. Like their precious little ring is being taken from them.
It's so hard to watch someone question the kindness you've shown them and devalue you as a person because you choose to be kind to everyone. It's hard to choose to be kind and have it be called performative, ill-intentioned, and self-serving. It's incredibly lonely because it will happen tenfold, and it's also incredibly difficult because then you want to stop choosing kindness...but you CANNOT stop.
You don't exist to serve as a function of joy for ONE person. Anyone who sees it that way is operating from their own ego and entitlement, and that has nothing to do with you. If they leave because you have been kind to others, then let them go, and hope that one day they pay it forward. Your kindness is not a test of exclusivity; it is, hopefully, a lesson and an inspiration to others.
True kindness requires a willingness to be misunderstood sometimes.
It's lonely; it's difficult; it requires self-reflection, consistency, and authenticity, but the world needs more of it so desperately.
If you can, and are in a place to, always choose kindness.
Song of the Day:
Plastic Flowers - Idlework.
Verse of the Day:
"And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works"
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7/11/2026
I'm currently in a state of self-inflicted isolation. It is a necessary period of reflection for me. I am doing everything alone, spending a lot of time working and sitting alone with my thoughts.
As time passes, I'm not getting stuck repeating the same thoughts over and over again anymore. At first, my thoughts were focused on what I was going through, and so very "woe is me." Recently, like yesterday, I was thinking about whether or not I am truly a good friend and if I know what a good friend is.
I think in some ways I am a good friend, but in many other ways I am not.
So what makes a good or a bad friend? I think the answer to this question is going to be different for everyone, but to me, the baseline for a friendship is caring, 'cause you can't be friends with someone you don't care about.
Caring how they're doing, what's going on with them, what's important to them, if you're contributing positively to their lives... and most importantly, caring about how you and your choices impact them.
A bad friend doesn't care about any of these things... but whether or not someone cares about you is very hard to discern sometimes. You're almost forced to take their word as confirmation because you never fully know someone's intentions or the rationale behind the things they do.
I am a bad friend because I disappear. I never stop caring, though. That's the hard part for me with friendship: balancing being a good friend who is "always there" and being the bad friend who "never shows up." In my mind, I am always with my friends; I always think I can just swoop back in a week, month, or years later, and we'll pick right back up where we left off, but that's not always the case. It's a passive form of friendship that works for some, but not for all. Some of my friends require active connection, and I don't always know how to find the balance between the two.
I am a bad friend because I know my actions sometimes negatively impact the people I love and care about, but I still choose to do them for my own reasons. I don't always think through every angle, ask what's okay, or clarify boundaries. I just do whatever I want, and it's always with the best intentions, but then I think about everything I should've thought about beforehand and realize I might have fucked up. Don't get me wrong, it weighs incredibly heavy on me when I realize I've hurt someone I love. I couldn't even explain how much it affects me and how hard it is to let go of the guilt of doing so. Guilt is something I carry longer than grief, and I tend to be a "long sufferer." It also makes me fearful that I am incapable of ever sustaining long-lasting connections with people.
I am a bad friend because sometimes I forget to stop and ask how someone is doing, or what they've been up to. I have lost friends that I didn't know were struggling. Had I asked how they were doing, maybe I could've done something, or been there more. I know I can be selfish in conversations, too, and not ask what people have going on. I'll let the conversation be me, me, me, and then it dawns on me later, after the conversation is long over, that I never asked any questions or didn't check in on them or their lives. I replay and think through my conversations with everyone after they're over, and I catch this a lot.
But I am a good friend because I do care. I WANT to check in. I WANT to ask questions. I WANT to have clear boundaries. I DON'T want to hurt the people I love. I really want to be a good friend to all of my friends, but not everyone gets the best of me. I am working on it, and trying to be better.
I am in a period of self-inflicted isolation from A LOT of the people I called my friends because I have to be. There are some friends I care deeply about that I had to remove myself entirely from, because I wasn't contributing anything positive. I'm not in a place right now where I can be a good friend and show up for everyone.
I have an incredibly small circle now (I can count them on just my hands) and a lot of time to reflect on how I can be better in the future. I probably have to lose a lot of the friends I had because I can't show up for them for a while, but that's okay because I still care how they're doing and think about it often. I care, more importantly, that I am not actively causing them harm or impacting their lives negatively.
Right now, silence is the most responsible way I know how to care... but I am learning that if I am able to return, assuming anyone would still want to be friends with me after yet another disappearance, it needs to be consistent and thoughtful. I can't passively participate in people's lives, or only care about my impact after the fact and then call people my friends. Caring is not enough if it doesn't manifest in a way that the other person can feel.
Song of the Day:
Guilty of Everything - Nothing
Verse of the Day:
"A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity"
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7/12/2026
Around this time last year, I was just getting out of a relationship that had lasted about eight years. That relationship covered pretty much all of my twenties. I met him within a month of moving from Tucson to Phoenix. Physical intimacy moved relatively quickly, but it took us years before either of us would say "I love you."
Prior to that, everything else only lasted two or three months, with the exception of my first boyfriend at the end of high school. Everything moved quickly back then, but we were young and dumb. Within a year of graduating, we were living together. That relationship became the baseline for all the ones that followed... and that wasn't a good thing.
In that first relationship, I was never protected, cared for, or considered. It was incredibly toxic. I have no hard feelings toward him anymore... like I said, we were young... but the relationship was isolating. I didn't have internet or a phone for a long time. All my money went toward our bills. I would work, then stay up late to cook for him before he got home. It’s pathetic to say, but I waited around for him like a puppy. I was belittled, name-called, and put down. We broke up and got back together constantly. Eventually, while we were still living together, he entered a secret relationship with a girl I had called a friend. Thank goodness he did that... that kind of betrayal is the only kind I can easily walk away from.
I’ve never really felt wanted in any of the relationships I’ve been in. I’ve felt desired and I’ve felt needed, but I’ve never felt like, "This person would choose me forever."
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I never let go of how I handled that very first relationship. I was over-giving, self-sacrificing, lacked independence, and was willing to devote my life to someone who proved over and over again that they didn't WANT me... they just desired me and occasionally didn't want to be alone. I was filler, covering a space that otherwise would’ve been blank until he met someone who wasn't me.
Since my past relationships often moved quickly and ended just as fast, I haven't had that many. In fact, most of the people I’ve written about in my poems I never officially dated. There is a clear pattern: falling head over heels for people who do not feel the same way about me, even if they say they do.
I need to jump back to that eight-year relationship. I lost myself completely. I stopped writing for seven years... do you know how crazy that is for someone who writes at least one line every single day?... I gained 150 pounds, stopped talking to almost all my friends, and really only worked. Once again, I was sitting around existing only as a plus-one to someone else’s life, hoping I was this person’s forever. For a while, I actually thought that was true, but marriage wasn't on the table, and kids weren't on the table. We weren't physically intimate for a long time at the end. We didn't hold hands or go on dates... I didn't get gifts, not even on my birthday or Christmas. There was a point when I had to cover both halves of rent, which put me into $10k debt, but I did it anyway to help him out while he paid off his debts. When he was finally able to pay his half, he went right back to a 50/50 split and "Can you Venmo me for xyz?" It was never "I got you," always "Your half is this..."
Eventually, I snapped out of it. I started losing weight, going on walks, hanging out with friends, and speaking up when I didn't like something. Then, the relationship ended. I immediately started a summer fling with a guy I thought was perfection. He made me feel wanted at first... a glimmer of hope. He was the first guy who talked about wanting kids and a family. It was fast, but it helped me solidify that I truly DID want those things. Not necessarily with him, but the desire was real.
Unfortunately, I moved too fast. He wanted a slow burn... he wanted to date and get to know me... but I wasn't used to that. We got intimate too soon, he lost interest, and I was left to question why I once again was not truly wanted.
Anytime you get intimate with someone before you’re really sure about them, it creates a false bond. It isn't a soul-level attachment... you don't truly see each other, but you feel like you do because you’ve connected in one of the most sacred ways possible.
He left me with the confirmation that I wanted a family and a life with someone. But I want that life with someone who wants ME forever. Someone who would hate the idea of losing me, or making me cry, or taking from me without reciprocating.
So, I decided to be celibate. I don't want to develop that kind of connection unless I am sure of them. I’m almost 32... sex really isn't all that important to me, but finding someone who cares and puts in real effort is. I want someone who would break down barriers to get to me. I don't think I’ll find that in someone who just wants to have sex right away.
I won't even entertain conversations about sex or sexual jokes anymore. I block guys right away for that. It’s disheartening to see how many men only think about sex. I’m hopeful I will find a nice guy who is husband material, but the male population hasn't done itself many favors yet. If I don't get the life I want, then it wasn't meant for me, and that's okay. I’m not going to jump into something with a guy who doesn't have the qualities I’m looking for just because I want that life.
Song of the Day:
Who Knows - Daniel Caeser
Verse of the Day:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
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7/13/2026
I have never once cracked under pressure. In fact, that tends to be where I thrive the most... when I'm faced with a challenge or a task. Most people say, "I'm going to lock in"... shoot, even I say that sometimes when I don't mean it... but something about having no other option but to lock in really motivates me.
In my senior year of high school, I had fallen significantly behind on credits. I had joined a charter school, and on top of goofing off in history and English, I skipped certain math classes because I was already surpassing the skill set required. For example, I went straight from algebra 1 to trig and then into calculus. I was also missing electives. The guidance counselor told me there was no chance that I would graduate with my class that year.
Nothing motivates me more than someone telling me something is impossible, or that I am incapable of doing it. I absolutely can, and I absolutely will, especially if you doubt me. So, I did just that. I was enrolled in my normal high school, an in-school catch-up program, went to Saturday school, Primavera, and an after-school program. I caught up on ALL of my credits and ended up graduating with my class.
When I started at my job, I knew I wanted to get into a specific department, and a lot of people told me it was incredibly difficult and not likely I would find a way in. I found a way in after five years and worked my butt off building rapport with the right people and getting buy-in from my managers until I secured my role.
Currently, I am helping my family, paying off debt, managing my expenses, and still trying to help and give to others when I can. I'm working so much and so hard. It's been beneficial because I don't have time to feel anything. I basically work two full-time jobs right now. On top of this, I'm doing a read-through of the Bible and The Art of War, working on this online diary, writing for a prompt every single day, working on my poetry book, and STILL getting up, getting dressed, doing my hair and makeup, and tackling my day.
I am beyond proud of myself for how much I am doing and how well I am holding it together for everyone. I write poetry like I am the most depressed person in the world, and some days it does feel like that, but those are just the thoughts I need released and put on paper. I know that every day I get to struggle is a great day to be alive, and every day I get to prosper is a great day to be alive. I am thankful, and I am blessed.
I am not a diamond; I am a ruby with my red hair and my fiery passion. Pressure doesn't break me... it makes me. This is just one of my seven ascensions.
Song of the Day:
Forever Waiting For You at My Window - Pouya
Verse of the Day:
"Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace."
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7/14/2026
Yesterday, I felt my blood boiling again. It didn't last long, but it happened and feeling that way made me sad. Like I had done a backslide.
I'm really doing my best to stay kind and just let things go. Not comment on anything, not tell people when they've hurt me, not ask for help, not be a bother, keep my head down but keep my chin up, be patient, accept all aspects of life as they are happening.
The only thing keeping me cool right now is the fact that I don't have any time to think about anything other than working. I'm trying to balance so many things, and I'm actually doing a really good job at it tbh. Like I said in my post from yesterday, I don't crack under pressure, and I am under a LOT of pressure.
I just find these moments, where I have a thought that is just incredibly unkind, and I really hate that about myself. It stems from my impatience though. I don't want to be mean, I don't like mean people, and I don't like my impatience. I don't want to snap at someone for saying something I don't like and I don't want to be the person that gets impatient because I have to wait an extra 10 minutes, or someone doesnt understand something, etc.
These little things are so easy to catch after the fact but so hard to correct in the moment. I rolled my eyes because a lady kept getting my pick up order wrong and I was in a rush to move to the next one. After the 4th time she got it wrong I let out a huge sigh... and then it dawned on me that I was being a jerk. She was doing her best and there I was, not adding anything positive to either of our experiences. In fact, I was making it harder and more stressful for her. My reaction was punishment and that's not okay.
I can be inherently selfish, mean, and vindictive... at least in my head I can, it's human nature, but I don't want to be. It's not my job to deliver punishment, but it is my goal to deliver grace.
The negative thoughts we have about other people are a reflection of what we think of ourselves. If we think someone is mean, we ourselves are mean. If we think someone is a liar, we ourselves are liars. If we think someone is ugly, we ourselves see the reflection of our own ugliness. That's what I need to remember. I am not above or below anyone, so my thoughts should remain neutral and not judgemental.
God is testing me. I know from the dream I had the other night where I heard him tell me I need to hold my tongue. So I am, just grinning, bearing, accepting, breathing, realeasing everything the best that I can.
If I let my hurt, my anger, my impatience get the better of me then I can't be the person I want to be. I could easily lose all my growth and everything I'm working towards if I don't catch myself when I am a jerk.
So I'm going to keep holding my tongue, try not to roll my eyes, breathe through my impatience, and accept things as they happen. Life is happening as it's meant to.
It is what it is, and so it is.
Song of the Day:
Confidently Lost - Sabrina Claudio
Verse of the Day:
"A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."
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7/15/2026
The tarot lady I watch regularly said it best, and it resonated with me because it's how I've been feeling lately:
"You are a pillar for everyone around you, but you deserve a pillar too."
This quote made me think about being performative. I don't want my kindness to be seen as performative, but in a way, I allow my strength to be. I'm always portraying myself as someone who doesn't need help. I tell everyone, "I have to do it myself," as if it's acceptable for my pride and ego to only shine through when it comes to being strong. I don't want anyone to think I need them, but sometimes I so desperately do need people.
I know it's a product of not having some of my needs met as a kid, not being protected, not being seen unless I was performing a task, behaving a certain way, or tiptoeing around everyone else's feelings. Asking for help or accepting help feels like a failure of that performance, like I'm weak, like I'm a burden.
I would never let anyone in my life feel like they've been a burden to me. I actually feel good when people I love need something from me, be it support, advice, money, my time, or a friend to listen. I get to offer the only things I know how to give...kindness, grace, generosity...but I am robbing those same people the dignity of being kind to me when I deny those very same things back.
There have been times in my teen/adult life where I have opened up about needing a friend and been disappointed by someone's inability to be there for me. I really need to let those moments go, though. Someone's capacity at any moment shouldn't be a grudge I hold and then project onto everyone else. I'm forcing myself to be a lone wolf and creating my own little world where strong means I'm alone, and kind only equals giving to others. It is actually very kind to let others be there for me when they want to be instead of denying them the ability to, or denying their access to the vulnerable parts of me.
I am not being kind to myself either by refusing help. How can I be kind and show grace to everyone else when I won't even do the same for myself? How can I build real connections with people when I only allow the connection to be one-sided?
I guess I have more to work on than just being kind and graceful to everyone. I need to work on my ability to connect and my capacity to show kindness and love to myself as well.
I do need a pillar in my life too; I can't stand alone forever.
Song of the Day:
Labyrinth - Showing Teeth
*(I AM OBSESSED WITH THIS SONG)*
Verse of the Day:
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
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7/16/2026
I joined a group of writers not that long ago, and that group was full of talented and amazing people. I say "was" because I had to step away from it when I decided to go dark on socials/discord. I might enable my discord again in a few months, but that's besides the point.
The creator of that group created a prompt for writing every day. I really enjoyed writing there. It's kind of where I got the idea for my online diary. A little shadow work & self reflection through journaling for myself.
When I disappeared, he reached out to see how I was doing. That conversation was funny, because I thought he was asking how my read-through of The Art of War was going, but he was actually asking about me personally. It took me about three days to realize he wasn't asking about the book. HILARIOUS.
I didn't really want to tell him that I wasn't doing great and didn't have the motivation or capacity to keep writing, so I just said, "Not great, but I'll be fine as always." Being the awesome person that he is, he told me to just let it out. Why not tell a stranger my problems, right? I have no clue why that worked, but I sent a five-minute voice note just letting it all out, and I immediately felt ten times better.
When he responded, I don't know why, but the tone in his voice made me laugh out loud. His response was long, thoughtful, and filled with incredible advice. He suggested I use the time I was taking to write, and he wasn't wrong, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to write or just disappear and keep my head down for a year. He offered to call me once in a while to chat, or to write together. Very kind offers, but isolation is isolation.
Then, a few days later, I started the diary. It wasn't supposed to be an everyday thing, but I remembered that he writes every single day and gives everyone a prompt. On day three, I think it was, I asked if he would share that day’s Discord prompt with me. He didn't, because he didn't see the message until the next day, but it's fine because it pushed me to come up with my own.
Every day that I write in this diary, I write about something I need to work on or reflect on. It's a chance to look at experiences in my life where I have acted like someone I do not like and figure out why.
There are experiences I will not touch on or speak about in this diary. Most of those are going into my book, if I ever get to a point where I can look at it again. Speaking of which, I talked to him about changing my book and making it longer with more experiences of different people instead of just one, since I've been living 'Groundhog Day' with the people I meet.
He said I should actually just make it shorter... thats probably the only advice from him I will NOT be taking.
He did say I should talk to more strangers as well, and just be open to listening to other peoples stories. GREAT advice. I've been having more conversations randomly with people. My mom used to do that when I was a kid, she would be able to just strike up a conversation with anyone and talk to them as if she had known them her whole life. I didnt like it at the time, but looking back on it, wow I love that about her. It's a skill to be able to just communicate with ANYONE and not be worried about it.
Yay, another area of growth to work on! Self, interpersonal relationships, my writing skills, kindess, my finances, my focus. My everything.
I hope this time next year I will look back on everything I've written, the community I've surrounded myself with, all of the changes I make from this self reflection, and can say I love my life more.
Song of the Day:
Samsara - Sadistik
Verse/Quote of the Day:
"We're all just walking each other home." - Ram Dass
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7/17/2026
Yesterday I was trying to write about contingency plans. I started off strong writing about my plans to return to socials in 6 months to a year....but somehow I veered so far off topic that I ended up triggering myself into writing a full blown rant.
I have a very strict rule for myself when it comes to this diary, and that is to keep my writing for it based in self reflection, a desire to grow and kindness. Because of this rule, I had to create a special folder in my notes app for entries that have been 86'd, and abandoned. I am not "holier than thou," I definitely do have unkind thoughts, even in defense.
I didn't think I had a contingency plan to handle my triggers for when I return to socials, but throwing those thoughts into a folder reminded me that I DO have a contingency plan. My poetry has always been a way to manage my triggers, and I've always kept the ones I'm not ready to post privately.
I don't need to worry about my reactions when I return to socials. I'm trigger happy with the block button, exploring different forms of writing, writing poetry, I have a friend that will support me livestreaming when I get back, which I realized yesterday he has literally been to every single one of my live streams from start to finish. He even said hi to my dad and my sister in one of them, and watched a super boring stream of me doing my hair and makeup.
I have everything I need for it to be a more positive experience this time around, and when I return I'll be me, but a newer version.
Song of the Day:
Rainbow Road - Sadistik
Verse/Quote of the Day:
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
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7/18/2026
I gotta get this off my chest because I'm still pretty upset about it. I had to block yet another person a couple days ago.
I'm really trying to avoid speaking about people in any negative fashion, so I hope what I write about this situation doesn't come off as negative or like I'm dog piling on someone that is also going through a tough time right now.
The day I decided to go dark on socials, I ended up exchanging numbers with a guy that I had spoken to only briefly. We had only sent memes of Kevin Gates back and forth. I was busy working doing deliveries that day, but we had a few texts and he tried to call me. I didn't answer that first call. In between deliveries i would respond to his text messages, and he said he wished I could talk on the phone. I prefer to talk on the phone or send voice notes instead of texting, so I called him back.
We talked for 6 hours that day. Homie was going through it. I'm not here to tell anyones business, but he did not seem okay and based on what he told me was going on in his life, he definitely wasn't. At some point towards the end of that phone call I did a quick tarot reading for him, and then he asked me "what is this, why are we talking so much?" I said, "For you, this is divine intervention." I said that as a joke, but he told me that I saved his life with that phone call.
After that conversation we continued to text here and there but again I don't like texting much now because I'm always busy. It seemed like he was interested in me as more than a friend, but I have a tendency to friendzone everyone and I think I made it clear friends was all it was for me. I need to be sure of peoples character before I develop feelings for them, and I'm not looking to develop "feelings" for anyone right now.
Two weeks of texting goes by and for a few days he was less responsive. He mentioned he was going through a lot so I just assumed he needed some alone time to work his life out. I isolate and disappear when my life gets crazy myself so I figured that was an accurate assumption.
NOPE. I was dead wrong. One night there was a big storm so I couldn't go do my usual deliveries. I was sitting in my room, in the dark, because the power went out, eating a salad. He calls me. I was stoked to get a random phone call, so I answered right away. He immediately starts telling me how I'm a problem. I'm mysterious, confusing, don't open up about myself, don't let anyone in, and that I have too many boundaries...
I was taken a back by what he was saying for a few reasons. 1. I am an open book, my life has never been some big mystery, I'll tell anyone anything if they ask me, or are willing to listen to what I have to say. If I'm never given the opportunity to speak, then you'll never know anything about me. 2. I don't have that many boundaries. The only boundary I have that most of the male population can't seem to grasp is that I don't like to talk about sex and I don't make or appreciate sexual jokes directed at me. It's an express way to getting blocked. 3. I straight up told him word for word "I friendzone everyone. I'd rather be friends." I don't know how that could be confusing to anyone.
That wasn't all he said to me though. After telling me everything that's wrong with me. He tells me "It should have been you." I had no idea what he was talking about, so I asked what he meant and he said. "I mean it should have been you. There's someone in my life I just started talking to and they've shown genuine interest in me, and have made it know they want to be with me, but that should have been you. I love you, I wanted it to be you"... I didn't say anything and just let him keep talking. He continued to say that it felt like I was his therapist and somehow that was the role that I had established in his life. I can't emphasis enough that this was after TWO WEEKS.
Eventually he stopped talking and I was able to direct him to a normal conversation. I was kinda worried about him, especially after such a weird blow up for "knowing" me for only 2 weeks, so I told him to call me the next day because I wanted to make sure he was okay. He never called and to be frank I'm glad he didn't.
I had to really think about this over a few days before I decided to go ahead and block him. That whole conversation was WILD. I can let go of the weirdness of it because I know he's going through a lot and I'm trying to be understanding and give people grace...but as I was thinking about it more I realized something extremely important that I needed to learn and reflect on...
I'm extending grace to people that aren't doing the same for me.
To call me out of the blue, when I'm just minding my own business and then unload on me everything that's wrong with me? No grace there.
To say I have too many boundaries? But also to not even ask why I have my boundaries up in the first place? No grace there.
To initiate that conversation and not even think about how I would take it, or just assume I would be fine with it? Not an ounce of thought put into MY side of it. No grace there.
The audacity of it all. Let's take grace and kindness out of the equation. Everything about that was disrespectful and selfish. I don't even have the words to explain how angry I am thinking about it. I ALMOST typed out a message dog piling on this guy, telling him everything wrong with him, just like he did to me, but I stopped myself.
Bringing grace back into the equation. The most respectful, kind and graceful thing I can do is block him and disappear. So after thinking about it I decided that was not someone I wanted to continue calling a friend, so I DID block him. I'm still bewildered by the whole thing because what the fuck was THAT?!
I aim to be kind and graceful to everyone...but it's a two way street. I'm not an emotional punching bag, I'm not a "saving grace", I'm not anyone's therapist, and I'm not going to be a god damn resource to anyone, like so many people seem to want me to be.
I'm a human being that deserves the same level of respect, kindness, and grace that I give to everyone else. If I'm not getting that, it's okay for me to cut someone out of my life. It's not mean, it's self respect, and I need to have that in order to discern who does and doesn't deserve access to me.
This isn't a situation I would normally write about, but I'm writing about it so I can look back and remember I WAS graceful and still managed to put myself first.
Song of the Day:
No New Friends - Sadistik
Verse/Quote of the Day:
"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." - Prentis Hemphill
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7/19/2026
Wow, my body is so sore. I feel like I've been hit my a truck. I think all this work and lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. So today I will rest (before I still end up working lol.)
I don't have the brain power to reflect on anything in particular today. Here's just a quick recap of thing I've been reflecting on:
Kindness is not a finite resource and everyone deserves it.
You can't be kind to others if you arent kind to yourself.
Self-respect and boundaries are necessary, and sometimes cutting off someones access to you is the best thing you can do for both of you.
I shouldn't be overly kind/graceful with people that aren't doing the same for me.
Running away from your problems is a waste of time if you aren't using the time spent away to figure out why you had the problems in the first place.
The future isn't so scary when you have good friends and a solid circle of people around you. Quality over quantity.
Someone's capacity at any moment shouldn't be a grudge I hold and then project onto everyone else.
Strong ≠ alone / Kind ≠ giving. (Kindness comes in the form of giving people the dignity of taking care of you too.)
Not everything in life is about being loved, or external union. Synchronicities are a guide for self, not an indication someone somewhere is thinking of you.
We each have our own strings of fate, sometimes they cross, sometimes our strings get tangled and you have to untangle them, or learn to tie a strong knot.
It's human nature to be selfish, vindictive and impatient, but we should work on that so we don't lash out on other people who don't deserve it.
There is still so much reflection I need to do... but today I am too tired.
Song of the Day:
Rotting Away - LOCKED SHUT
Note: I'm obsessed with all the music I listen to, but LOCKED SHUT is so damn good. 😭
Verse/Quote of the Day:
"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." - Anaïs Nin
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7/20/2026:
I probably should reflect on why I over give, rather than just saying that I do and that it’s bad.
I really hope my parents don't read my online diary. There are things I am going to reflect on that stem from how I felt as a kid, and it’s probably better that they don't read them. I'm not judging my parents for how they raised me or the decisions they made. It's their first time on earth too.
I know this stems from learning that acts of service were a love language, as it's how I was noticed as a child. Once I learned I could be seen as useful, that was how I felt loved. Someone smiling and saying "thank you" when you do something for them or get them a gift warms my heart. I love making people smile, especially when it’s people who trigger my anxiety, make me feel uneasy, or with whom I don't feel entirely safe. It stops that uneasy, unsafe feeling, but only for a short while.
So, I've carried that with me my whole life.
My first boyfriend? I mentioned I used to stay up late and cook for him every night when he got off work, always making his favorite food. I'd get really fancy with it, too. I even let him tattoo me for practice. (I had to get a cover-up because it was horrible.)
A guy I dated who showed me my favorite rapper? I cleaned his room when I stayed over at his house. I did the dishes for him too.
The ex I was with for eight years? I cooked, cleaned, and helped him with money so he could save and pay down debt while I went into debt to do it.
The guy I was seeing last year? When we’d talk on the phone and he said something, I’d catalog it and turn it into a gift I’d give him later. He said he wished he had a Polaroid camera so he could take pictures for me to keep in my car. I also got him air fresheners with my picture on them for him to hang in his. He wanted banana nut muffins at the store, he liked those flavored almonds and mixed nuts, etc. I got him all of those things he mentioned and gave them to him as a single gift when I was finally able to see him again. Little pieces of things he said, because I was listening.
There are more examples, and I don't even want to get into all of them, but the pattern remains. I over give because, in the moment, it makes me happy to see other people happy. But in all of these examples, it was never reciprocated. The reciprocation doesn't matter all that much to me, but since nothing ever worked out, it probably should bother me.
I know deep, deep, deep down it's not just that I want to see people happy. It's that I want people to stay. Just like when I was a kid, I just wanted to be loved, and the only way I knew how to be loved was to be useful. If I just do these things, make people smile, give, give, give, then they can't ever be mad at me for anything; they won't want to give me the silent treatment, and I'll be safe with them.
(The silent treatment is the only way to truly hurt me, by the way. Being ignored, and why it impacts me so much, isn't something I am ready to reflect on just yet, but it's coming eventually.)
It never works. I don't hold resentment for people, and I let go of things pretty easily. It does hurt though, because men/friends/people tell me all the time that no one shows love the same way I do...that I'm "perfect." THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. It's always felt like a compliment whenever I've heard it, but it's really not a compliment when it comes from people who eventually think I'm "too much."
I always give too much and do too much. I never give anyone the opportunity to be the one to do it for me first either.
I become a resource. No one makes me into that title...I force my own way into it, sometimes without even realizing I'm doing it.
I really have no clue how to fix this one, but I'll figure it out. It's one of the hardest things I'll have to change about myself because I don't know how to be loved or show love without being useful. That applies to relationships, friendships, my family; everything. I need to make some boundaries with myself, I think. Not just with other people.
Song of the Day:
I'm Spent - Drake
Verse/Quote of the Day:
"It’s never enough, I’m the Shepard you summoned. The sum of the efforts, still some are for never. Let everything flush because nothings forever." - Sadistik.
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7/21/2026
I've been thinking about why I loved social media so much. To be honest, keeping this tumblr up isn't exactly stepping fully away like I wanted to. It's probably hindering one of the areas I really should work on...
Ever since I was a scene kid on myspace, I've always gotten a dopamine rush from those little notifications. A comment, a message, a poke... whatever. It's the attention. I like attention, duh. We all do! That's why anyone with social media posts. I mean, we can say our socials are used for "work," or "family," but work page or private page, attention is still attention, whether you found a way to make money off it or not.
It's validation of self. It's like 2.5 seconds of getting our little egos boosted. Someone sees us, we've been noticed! It's why we post anything. Yeah sure, we want to share accomplishments, updates, selfies. Look at me, congratulate me, notice me, watch my life, engage with me!
But who the fuck cares, really?
I've been selfie dumping for days, but that was never what my Tumblr was about. I hardly ever posted selfies on here before. I also didn't really reblog anything, but I learned from other sites that when you post selfies and engage with other peoples content, that's when you start playing the numbers game. So you post what gets better numbers.
That's unfortunately the trap I've fallen back into...
"Pick me, choose me, love me" - Dr. Meredith Grey.
The engagement trap gives me the dopamine rush, but it's not what I want out of social media. It's attention, but it's not the attention I want. I've only ever wanted to post my poems and get recognized for what I think I'm good at: writing. My talent outside of being "Pretty." The internet is so heavily saturated with writers and poets and talent, just as much as it is pretty people. My writing always slips right through the cracks. So I post what gets attention, and honestly the poems still get ignored.
People have messaged me after I selfie dump and say "your blog caught my attention"....well no that's a lie, the blog didn't, my pictures did. How do I know? Because the only things on my Tumblr that have any likes are those stupid selfies.
Writing is the BEST part of me. I'll be old and ugly someday; everyone will. What'll be left but the poems I wrote? All my best and worse memories processed as confessional art, my entire story.
Tiktok was supposed to be a place I grew my poetry, but I had to step away from that for a good reason. Instagram was eventually going to become the same thing, but it had JUST started taking off when I started posting on Threads. Threads became a toxic place for me too because my poetry is about love or heartbreak, and very rarely anything else...so where did I land in that algorithm? On the sad confessional side of threads. It was a loop of sadness and then those sad people would message me and dump on me their own sadness.
I don't want to be attention seeking; I dont want validation of how I look necessarily. There's usually so much more to a person. That's why I don't really like commenting on peoples appearance even when I do find them attractive because it's so superficial and boring.
I do want validation obviously, but in the form of people connecting to the words I write.
Song of the Day:
Unarchiver - Blood Cultures
Quote of the Day:
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." - Marylin Monroe
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