Destroyerdestroyed

Poems from the diary of a murdered painter.

[destroyerdestroyed]

You’re only lying because it’s a pandemic

We’re not all in this together

You don’t care how this ends

Or what happens to your neighbors

If we died tomorrow your precious machines

And your lovely processes

Would ceaselessly march on

So don’t say you care what happens to me

Or that everyone is safe, everyone is well

You’re only lying because it’s a pandemic

[destroyerdestroyed]

Rushed Trains

We rushed to the station

Panting and holding our sides

We collected ourselves and our begs

And prepared to grab a ticket

But at the desk the old man said

The last train had already left

And you have been left behind

Today the stationmaster has rushed the trains

[destroyerdestroyed]

Room of Machines

Three days a week

Week after week after week

We enter, and begin the work

Sweating, breathing, grunting

One room moving in unison

This work will bear fruit

Up and down

Metal and flesh in rhythm

So that someday, somewhere

We too can be important

[destroyerdestroyed]

Poison

Lately I haven’t been talking to myself

I haven’t been listening either

I feel like poison

If I get into someone

They will die

The problem is

I want to get into everyone

[destroyerdestroyed]

Goodbye

You owe me nothing

But the truth would have been nice

Goodbye my old friend

[destroyerdestroyed]

The Water

For some time the water had been calling to me. The ocean knows my name, and it sings my miseries to me on occasion. So one night I packed a bag, and I drove. Hours on end, into the next day without barely a break. I don’t remember eating much, but damn the radio was good. In time I found the beach, east was the correct direction. I walked down to the sand, feeling the salt air. I waited until nightfall, until I was alone on the beach. And I walked into the sea. And I walked and walked...

[destroyerdestroyed]

Bartender’s Lament

I’m sick of your shit

And his and hers too

Now I need a drink or two or three

I’m all alone in my head

And I’m dreaming of it

I’m growing sick of these dreams

I’m growing sick from the wine

Now I need a drink or two or three

The contrast is a shame

I’m growing sick from the rum

Boy how I wish I had rum

The contrast is a shame

Do you even care anymore?

Or are you happy I’m gone?

God damn I wish I was gone

Now I need a drink or

Ma’am would you like another?

[destroyerdestroyed]

My Peaceful Place

I once went on a road-trip. To find some peace of mind, or something like that. For miles I drove, and miles became days and days became weeks. My phone didn’t go off once. Getting tired of my journey, I sought to rest in a park. In my luck that afternoon I found a national park, a beautiful and large and lonely place. I camped in my little tent that night, pouring over the map. I must find it, I must find my peaceful place.

After morning, and with much mental preparation I began. The day was warm and easy. A good sign of things to come. The hike was pleasant too, if a little tiring. But I persevered. It was beautiful, I passed along a large river, brimming with motion and life and adventure. The forest was quite deep too, large sprawling trees and scurrying little animals. Lastly the mountain was quiet, dark, imposing but quite majestic. Here I would find it, my peaceful place.

And there it was. And large, stunning waterfall. And at it’s base a small pond with several large rocks. Here I stripped, losing my gear to cleanse myself. And like the old monks I sat under the waterfall and meditated. And I sat there all day and the next day and the next. I sat under that waterfall until the pressure killed me.

[destroyerdestroyed]

Departures

I can’t help missing you

I can’t help missing everyone

All of your departures

Are still so fresh in my mind

[destroyerdestroyed]

Corkscrew

I’ve been twisting in my pain for so long

That I’ve forgotten your loving embrace

Are we friends or nothing?

And now I’m smashed into the wall

And crying for something

That I never understood, I’ll never understand

At night I miss you

At night I miss everything

I’ve been twisting in my pain

[destroyerdestroyed]

Departing

No I don’t want you to go

But I think I have to let you

We’ll drift apart, nothing new

But still quite painful

Will you be alright with him at your side?

Are things better now, are you happy?

As for me?

Well I’m the usual wreck

But you, you’re departing

And I’ll be here, cold and forgotten

Whether I wish it or not

We won’t meet again

[destroyerdestroyed]

Night Drive

One night, sometime after 2 am or so I got into my car. I turned the radio up and I left. At first I drove locally, down little neighborhoods filled with quiet suburban homes and sleeping families. I stopped for a moment at my father’s old home. Without leaving my car I wondered when and how had he inherited it and whether it would someday be mine. Shaking the thought off, I continued on my nocturnal outing. Emptier streets greeted me and eventually I hit the industrial side of town. No smoke, or humming there, all work was put to rest now. I explored for a bit, looking at the giant machinery and wondering how it all worked. Around 4 am I began to yawn, a physical wish for sleep. It wasn’t a cold night but my body felt chilled now. And alone, very alone. Next was the interstate, my options had now grown. I could drive anywhere, an entire nation traveled at night. I wanted to see the sun, and face it’s light thinking of where to go. But that’s not what happened. No I returned home, to sleep next to you. Waking you softly in my loneliness and stupidity. You asked where I went and where I could go without you. But it was only a simple night drive.

[destroyerdestroyed]

Please

Please don’t leave me alone with me.

I don’t think I can handle that.

[destroyerdestroyed]

The Source Of All Fear

Down into the forest I descended, panicking beneath the canopy.

I breathed a sigh of relief, for in the first mile or so I encountered nothing.

The forest was itself quite quiet, but my heart more than made up for that.

Further down I descended, and with that came my fears and anxieties.

Every failure made clear, every lost person in sharp memory, every mistake before my eyes.

But worse than that, they were finally here.

My last phobia, the source of all fear. I fell into a pit, perhaps the deepest point of the forest.

I came face to face with them.

Slithering, hissing, writhing, angry beings.

And finally attacking, a thousand bites.

Squeezing the life from me, a new age strangle hold.

This I deserved.

Later I left the forest, hurt and filled with a new poison.

And for my experience I couldn’t tell whether I had become better or worse.

[destroyerdestroyed]

Climber

I couldn’t ascertain whether I was chasing freedom or death by climbing up here.

But the truth was I was now very tired, sore, and out of breath.

Most importantly I was lost.

[destroyerdestroyed]

Unpleasant Beasts

In the dark, they keep eyeing you

They see your moves, everything you do

With claws of steel, and mouths of pain

They stalk you quickly in the rain

For once in your life, you’ll show some fear

Listen now, they are coming near

Hungry for your truth and love

Unpleasant beasts come from above

[destroyerdestroyed]

The Grand Truth

Even with everyone at your side

Victory in your grasp, you will feel it

It will know you, as you know it

The Grand Truth

It will encompass you

Everything you are, and will be

Your every waking moment

You will be aware

You are eternally alone

No one can help you

No one will save you

Feel it deep within your being

It will consume your dreams

And disturb your waking thoughts

It is The Grand Truth

That you are eternally alone