DGM Texts

Texts from the characters of D.Gray-Man. Moderators are Cross, Kanda, and Allen. All ideas are welcomes, just submit them to us!

[dgmtexts-blog]

Lavi: Hey

Lavi: Hey Yuu-chan

Kanda: Call me that again and I will gut you

Lavi: Okay, okay but Yuu-chan.

Lavi: Let's go to pound town on the fuck truck.

Kanda: ..............

Lavi: I'm serious.

Kanda: I'm seriously going to castrate you

Lavi: That's just rude. I just invited you to have sex.

Lavi: And not even with me!

Kanda: I just invited you to have an intimate moment with Mugen

Lavi: ...It depends where Mugen goes.

Kanda: Jesus fucking Christ

Kanda: You did not just take that into fucking consideration

Kanda: What the fuck

Lavi: You didn't say what kind of intimate moment so I asked you to clarify. ;)

Kanda: You have fucking issues

Kanda: If I ever see you voluntarily go near my fucking sword I will cut off your fucking dick

Lavi: But then we wouldn't be able to have fun together anymore

Kanda: When the fuck have we ever done anything that requires your fucking penis

Lavi: Having a penis gives me a reason to run when you want to chop it off, ergo we have done things that require my penis.

Lavi: What dirty things are you thinking of?

Kanda: I'm going to murder you

[dgmtexts-blog]

Tch.

We all have fucking lives and shit.

But we're back I guess.

`Kanda

[[-- So. We basically have no excuse. We're getting up conversations as I type. Sorry about that. Send us some stuff, yeah? ]]

[dgmtexts-blog]

Just Had Sex Part II

Allen: Lavi

Lavi: Sup, little man?

Allen: ...Ignoring that.

Allen: Why exactly is Kanda's phone in pieces?

Lavi: Oh.

Lavi: I was serenading him with a glorious song.

Lavi: He was going deaf from my awesome obviously

Allen: ....................

Allen: I dare not ask

Allen: what POSSESED you to do that.

Allen: But I will ask-- what song were you singing, exactly?

Lavi: Oh, you know the usual

Lavi: I just had sex ft. Akon

Allen: ...

Allen: Okay.

Allen: Now I have to ask.

Allen: Why?

Lavi: Because I just had sex.

Lavi: Duh

Allen: Guh.

Allen: Ignoring that mental imagine right about now.

Lavi: I didn't ask you to picture me nailing a girl.

Lavi: Or dude.

Allen: You don't need to ASK for it to happen.

Allen: Though, I must say I'm surprised.

Lavi: What? Why?

Lavi: I'm a sex god, bro.

Allen: ...Not about the fact you just had sex, Lavi.

Allen: About the fact that the phone's in pieces and not your FACE.

Allen: Kanda's showing self restraint. This is new.

Lavi: Oh.

Lavi: Well you know, we're kinda in opposite sides of the building.

Allen: He's showed up at my door in less then .5 seconds with some form of weapon before.

Allen: Your point?

Lavi: I was in the infirmary and the Matron probably would've deballed him, man.

Allen: Ah. Well, that makes a lot more sense.

Lavi: I mean, the Matron almost deballed me.

Lavi: Except I was injured.

Allen: I'd be more careful, if I were you. O-- wait a second.

Allen: How the bloody hell were you having sex if you were stuffed into the infirmary?

Lavi: That

Lavi: Is a good, long story

Lavi: Would you like to hear?

Allen: No.

Allen: Just-- no.

Lavi: There was a pretty hot nurse

Lavi: Well, no, she was really hot

Allen: Did I not just say I didn't want to know?

Lavi: Well I'm telling you anyways. Maybe you'll learn something.

Lavi: But then again, no woman can resist this hot bod

Allen: Please stop.

Lavi: Will it make you feel better if I tell you the only positon we were in was missionary?

Allen: Oh jesus christ.

[dgmtexts-blog]

Just Had Sex Part I

Lavi: Hey Yuu.

Kanda: Have I ever told you my plans for your death.

Lavi: Maybe. Buuuuut

Lavi: Sometimes something amazing happens in this world.

Kanda: What the fuck are you talking about

Lavi: You don't know hot express yourself so you just gotta sing.

Kanda: I swear to God you need help

Lavi: I just had sex and it felt so good~ A woman let me put my penis inside of her

Kanda: That is something I never fucking needed to know

Lavi: I just had sex and I'm never going back to the not-havin'-sex ways of the past

Kanda: Stop

Lavi: Have you ever had sex? I have, and it felt great. It felt so good when I did it with my penis

Lavi: A girl let me do it, it literally just happened

Having sex should make a nice man out of the meanest.

Kanda: Jesus fucking Christ

Kanda: I swear to God

Kanda: I'm going to fucking castrate you just so I never have to deal with this again

Kanda: What the fuck is wrong with you

Lavi: Never guess where I just came from, I have sex

If I had to describe the feelin' it was the best

Kanda: I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW USAGI

Lavi: When I had sex, man my penis felt great

[dgmtexts-blog]

Request: Allen annoying Kanda by calling him "Katou"?

Allen: Katou

Allen: Katou

Allen: Hey 

Allen: Hey Katou

Allen: Katou

Allen: Katou

Allen: Katou

Kanda: Who the fuck is Katou

Allen: You are, Katou

Allen: Did you forget your name?

Allen: Did you bump your head, Katou?

Allen: I think you should see a doctor, Katou.

Kanda: Are you really this fucking stupid

Kanda: Don't answer that

Allen: Why're you so mean, Katou?

Kanda: Stop fucking calling me Katou

Allen: But it's your name

Allen: What else would I call you but your name?

Allen: you should really learn to think things through, Katou.

Kanda: Kanda

Kanda: Kan-da

Kanda: K. A. N. D. A.

Allen: ...

Allen: That's a funny way of spelling Katou.

Kanda: ...................................

Allen: Katou, I think you're pressing the key too hard there.

Kanda: I swear to fucking God

Kanda: I'm going to put your head on a motherfucking stake

Allen: Maybe a therapist instead of a doctor.

Allen: You know for those anger issues of yours, Katou.

Kanda: If you call me Katou one more fucking time I'm going to come over and skin you alive.

Allen: Alright, alright. I won't call you, Katou. Geez.

Allen: Hey, Yuu-chan.

Kanda: I will murder you

Kanda: Slowly

Allen: You said not to call you Katou.

Allen: I didn't call you Katou.

Kanda: I swear to fuck if I have to get up and go over there right now

Kanda: They'll find your remains looking like they got sent through a motherfucking paper shredder

Allen: You know, Yuu-chan, I'd be more concerned about that temper of yours right now.

Allen: Tsk tsk.

Kanda: I don't even think Mugen will be enough to murder you properly

[dgmtexts-blog]

Note from Kanda-mun.

Hey, hello, good day.

Just thought I'd say thanks to the people following us and the people liking and reblogging us.

We pretty much drown in notes after every post and I honestly didn't expect that.

Anyway, so we have separate people playing each of the characters right now and I thought I'd let you know who everyone is so you can fully appreciate them.

Cross is the user neverearth.

Allen is the user cuntbitchallen.

Lavi is the user athoughtfulzombie.

And I am the user asian-voodoo.

We'll also have the user oaken-wren in the future as Tiedoll [the original post from Tiedoll was actually me playing him].

And one last thing.

Remember that if you have any ideas you think would be good, sent them into our ask box. If you even have a full script put it in submit and we'll be happy to do them all.

If you want to see certain characters interact let us know as well -- even if it's someone like Tyki Mikk or another character you haven't seen before. We can do whatever you want so have at it.

And again, thank you all for following, reblogging, and liking.

[dgmtexts-blog]

Lavi: Hey yuu-chan

Kanda: I will kill you

Lavi: Yuuu-han

Lavi: Yuuu-chan*

Lavi: Guess what

Kanda: I don't care what

Lavi: Oh. Well I'll tell you anyways

Lavi: We're going to Candy Mountain

Kanda: What the fuck are you smoking

Kanda: Nevermind don't tell me

Kanda: I don't want to know

Lavi: No dude seriously

Lavi: Candy Mountain

Kanda: Did you get vaulted into a fucking brick wall at a young age

Lavi: Yuu-chan it's a magical liopleurodon

Kanda: Oh my Jesus fucking Christ

Lavi: Candy Mountain, Yuu-chan, Candy Mountain

Kanda: If you call me that one more time Usagi I swear to fucking God

Kanda: They will never find the body

Lavi: Yuuuuuuu-chann Candy Mountaiiiiiin gato temo kawaii neeeeeee?~

Kanda: I hope you know I'm about to be right outside your door

Kanda: Mugen's already out of the sheath

Kanda: You have two seconds to find a window to jump out of

[dgmtexts-blog]

Is Lavi going to start texting also?

Christ, why would anyone want to hear from that twerp?

--Cross

[[ - Definitely. We've started off with Allen, Kanda, and Cross because those are the characters we're most comfortable with. But we're willing to do any characters from D.Gray-Man, be they Exorcist, Noah, Scientist, Third, or whatever. We're completely open to requests as well, even if they're as vague as "I just want to see something from this character," or something specific like "I want to see a conversation about ____ between [Character A] and [Character B]." Don't be afraid to ask~]]

[dgmtexts-blog]

Cross: Brat, where the fuck is my wine?

Allen: You know, considering it’s YOURS, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Cross: You’re supposed to keep track of this shit, idiot. Why the fuck do you think I keep you around?

Allen: I hope you know I’m calling you all sorts of nasty things in my head right now.

Allen: Even if I wanted to bring your stupid wine, I have no idea where you ARE.

Cross: Oh- oh look, there goes the fuck I was about to give.

Cross: Bring me my wine, shitbrain.

Allen: Hmph.

Allen: You’re with a ‘lady friend’, aren’t you?

Allen: Which I know means whore—in which case, I’m not getting anywhere near that.

Allen: I was scarred enough last time, THANK YOU.

Cross: You didn’t even see anything last time, brat.

Allen: I saw more than I ever needed to.

Cross: Speaking of- you should keep Timcanpy out of the room when you’re ‘entertaining’, idiot.

Cross: Now bring me my wine.

Cross: Or I’m broadcasting it across the Order.

Cross: And then we’ll talk about you being ‘scarred enough’.

[dgmtexts-blog]

Allen: You're so tasty you should be forbidden. <3

Cross: What the fuck, brat?

Allen: ....Master?

Allen: Oh

Allen: Oh my god

Allen: Oh

Allen: That

Allen: You weren't supposed to get that!

Cross: ...Who the fuck was that supposed to be for? What the shit was that, fuckbrain?

Allen: Nothing! It was nothing- just forget it happened!

Allen: Please.

Cross: Not a fucking chance in hell brat. Who the fuck were you texting.

Allen: Someone.

Allen: It doesn't matter.

Cross: It sure as fucking hell matters. No apprentice of mine is going around saying shit like a cheap ass whore.

Allen: Did you just call me a whore?

Cross: I call them like I see them, dipshit.

Allen: Why do I even bother talking to you?

[dgmtexts-blog]

This is now my favorite blog.

If you're looking for some sort of gratitude you're fishing in the wrong fucking lake.

'Kanda

[dgmtexts-blog]

Kanda, you can't suck a 'fuck' ... unless ...

What the hell do you think you're insinuating, asshole?

It's a goddamned figure of speech. No one likes a fucking smartass.

'Kanda

[dgmtexts-blog]

Allen: How're Yuu doing today?

Kanda: I swear to fucking God Moyashi

Allen: What? What's wrong, are Yuu feeling okay?

Kanda: I will gut you and give your intestines to schoolchildren to use as a jumprope.

Allen: Yuu know, that's kind of morbid. I'd suggest Yuu seek out proffesional help.

Kanda: I hope you're enjoying your last moments alive, dumbass.

Allen: I love Yuu too.  

Kanda: No really

Kanda: I'm coming over right now

Kanda: You're fucking dead

Kanda: I'm armed

Allen: ........

Allen: Well it's a good thing my door's locked, then.

Kanda: The fact that you think I can't break down a door is hilarious

Allen: ...

Allen: Any chance we could pretend this conversation didn't happen?

[dgmtexts-blog]

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

The city Fuck You

In the country Go Suck a Fuck

`Kanda

[dgmtexts-blog]

I honestly don't know what's funnier.

The fact Bakanda and Master actually know how to work something like this--

Or they didn't think I'd be able to hack it.

Well, I hope everyone's enjoying themselves!

-Allen

[dgmtexts-blog]

Fucking hell.

Well, I guess I have to take care of this shit -- because it's not like anyone else will.

Hn. Irritating.

`Kanda

You do the work because you're the bitch. Obviously.

--Cross

[[-- Any conversation topic suggestions or full scripts will be directed towards the inbox or submission form. We'll attempt to create them and queue them posthaste. ]]

[dgmtexts-blog]

Allen: Kanda Allen: Kanda Allen: Kanda Allen: Kanda Allen: Kanda Allen: Kanda Kanda: WHAT Allen: Well, if you're going to be rude about it, nevermind. Kanda: ............ Kanda: You've got to be shitting me. Kanda: What. Allen: No. Allen: You've offended me. Kanda: Godfuckingdamnit. Kanda: Tell me. Allen: Why, are you curious? Kanda: You can't just fucking irritate someone like that and not fucking say something you little shitbrain. Allen: Alright, alriiiight. I'll tell you Allen: I wanted to say something Allen: very Allen: very important Allen: and that thing happens to be Allen: Hi. Kanda: ............................ Kanda: You make me want to slaughter innocent people.