Dian M.Z.

ATCK

[dianmz]

I accidentally hit my gum real hard (with my toothbrush) when I brushed my teeth this morning and dammmmnnnnnnnnnn it’s still hurting at night.

[dianmz]

051525

Work had been kicking my butt, but at least for the next 90 days I should be... good..... IYKYK.

[dianmz]

I am so angry all the time I sometimes can’t even recognize myself.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do with this. I am angry, it makes me mean; I am prickly, I don’t know how to act like a normal person when I look at people and wonder when they are going to attack me.

The feeling when I am just casually drowning. I can see the land, I can see people, but I can’t realistically paddle my way to the civilization.

Feeling a little hopeless.

[dianmz]

The longer I work the less I know what I am doing.

I want to be away from everyone sometimes.

[dianmz]

Was having a mini mental breakdown, then I remembered I had an event in the Sat morning.

“Oh… I need to check the parking…” said I, as I took a break from the mental breakdown.

“Haha, okay… I knew I prepaid the parking.” I thought to myself, as I returned to the aforementioned mental breakdown.

[dianmz]

How to say “I love my job but I hate working so much” professionally?

Maybe this is why they have to pay people to work.

(I say this, as if people don’t NEED money to survive.)

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Hi, how are you? I went to sleep at 8pm right after dinner because food made me sleepy, now I am wide awake at an ungodly hour because I decided to sleep at 8pm.

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Side note:

I wish I could use the phrase “kitten, daddy doesn’t feel so good” casually in real life.

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Side note:

When my own mother replied “okay but that’s your opinion” when I said [insert something personal and controversial here].

Uh??????????????? Gagged.

[dianmz]

Mentally… I just want to do pottery and be away from the internet.

[dianmz]

I am at the tail end of my depressive episode/ mood swings right now and tbh, I think some warm soft pretzel sticks can heal me.

(Debilitating depression but I think I am gonna make it through this time, lads. Right before my big international work trip. Which is……… oh god… thank you. Thank you… thank god……)

[dianmz]

Say.. the therapist? Are they still in the picture anywhere? This all sounds very worrying :')

You know how, like, if you visualized happiness as water, your brain as a jar; you could have a pretty straight forward view of “when the jar is full life is going good/ jar is almost empty life is kinda sucky rn but refills are coming soon.”

My brain right now is a colander. I’d done so much to fill the metaphorical jar that I didn’t realize everything I poured into it just fell right out of there instantaneously. (And I’ve poured a lot of stuff in there over the past couple of years.)

I’ve spent so much money on therapists that I am, not gonna lie, feeling extremely bitter about therapy.

[dianmz]

Cousin (near Portland) is getting married in August. I think I will do a mini road trip on my own in that area after attending his ceremony.

Chronic depression is having the tightest hold on me right now and I have a feeling that I’m going to go insane if I don’t find a way to break this cycle (asap).

I had been arguing with the voice in my head and tbh, the arguments had been mean; did not get any satisfaction from them.

It is like… what am I even doing??? It is like… god I am so sad but I am also a workaholic so I don’t have time to take a breather. And it’s also like… when I do force myself to work on a weekend (because I don’t want to deal with emotions) I get extra depressed BECAUSE I am forcing myself to work on a WEEKEND. AND…. It’s like…….. then I am like, ugh, you know what, I will NOT work on weekends anymore, then guess what? I still get more depressed because now I have this much free time to contemplate my own problems.

Am so antsy. What I need is someone to seriously abuse me a little. Kick me down and hurt me.

Not to mention that I am also sick right now. Yeah, I know I am sick as fuck mentally, I am talking about physically. I caught something bad at last week’s pottery class. I have been physically miserable for almost 5 days now. Not sick enough to not be at work though. So I will be miserable mentally and physically at work, bright and early tomorrow. :)

Fun, love it.

[dianmz]

When the barista from the cafe I frequent told me: “You are so pretty, btw. I hope you are gay.” Handed me the coffee. And then just turned around and walked away.

Okay, come back!!! COME BACK.

[dianmz]

Now that I think about it, y’all, I *THINK* my chronic depression never went away.

It does feel more intense this year.

Also, being emotionally unavailable for anything doesn’t help neither.

Wait… maybe this is a “chicken or egg” question.

Which comes first???

The feeling when: I am depressed af, but my daily itinerary is full because I plan ahead (I am a high functioning workaholic) and planing for things makes me happy. Does it work? Sometimes. But till the end of the day I just want to claw my guts out. Maybe I JUST need a nap.

Anyways…..

I don’t want to die; I just want to be in a coma (with no irl consequence*) for 8 months.

*Consequence: Human’s one of many design flaws.

[dianmz]

These past three days had been so stressful for me, you know what? 2025, consider I have been properly stressed. Stop…! STOP!!!!!

Yooooooooooooo what the f-

[dianmz]

What is this overwhelming urge to… fuck off to a new place and never speak to anyone in my life ever again…

I am over it. Over everything, over everyone.

Maybe I should….

[dianmz]

Straight up want to die (but not for real for real, just emotionally) when a dead work project comes back alive to haunt me.

Kill me (not physically). Oh my god…. Kill me (not really)…..!!!!!!!

[dianmz]

Wow…. I am alive………. (For now).

[dianmz]

Nvm I am dead.

[dianmz]

Straight up want to die (but not for real for real, just emotionally) when a dead work project comes back alive to haunt me.

Kill me (not physically). Oh my god…. Kill me (not really)…..!!!!!!!

[dianmz]

Wow…. I am alive………. (For now).

[dianmz]

Straight up want to die (but not for real for real, just emotionally) when a dead work project comes back alive to haunt me.

Kill me (not physically). Oh my god…. Kill me (not really)…..!!!!!!!