noise dept.
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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PR's Tumblrdome
tannertan36
Today's Document
Misplaced Lens Cap
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AnasAbdin
trying on a metaphor
Xuebing Du
tumblr dot com
Cosimo Galluzzi
shark vs the universe
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Origami Around
Jules of Nature
#extradirty
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
seen from Malaysia
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@diary515
chronic loneliness
shake it off always climbing a ladder. one sentence I’ve forgotten now??? I’m always chasing satisfaction or something… sigh
I’m just never comfortable
I wish I had a stable base. people I genuinely liked who were there to greet me in the morning and then say goodnight in the evening. I don’t know
Loneliness is such a constant. There’s never anyone here
as long as I eat something I’ll be okay
Pinterest board really shows A) friendship B) travel (into nature and smaller places not huge cities) as my dream life right now. Also freedom (vanlife?) Everything else??? Doesn’t really matter. Going with friends out on adventures into the sun and eating together and laughing and doing mundane things. That’s life for me and what I want
Gratefulness: my health. my mum. the bit of financial support I can fall back on. the travel opportunities I have before me
memory today: coffee morning fun! dancing fun again
learned thing: EAT SOMETHING IF YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT and everything will be okay
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Ultimatum delivered. Bleeding out?? So dramatic. But it all comes crashing down. What do I do now? The time has come.
All that I want. All that I wait for. That I chase. How do I actually get it? It hasn’t happened. I want an end to loneliness. A best friend. Or. A partner.
fear. fear fear fear fear is what holds me back. Of losing what I have. Of having nothing at all. Of being even more lonely
Restless again
Day of change. Didn’t like. Way too tired with work. Want something new, have to be brave to make that change but the loneliness is the biggest draw on energy really. One day I won’t be lonely. One day I may even have a partner. It’s okay it hasn’t happened yet. My self esteem has been worse today though . I’m not sure what to do in general really
Thankfulness: chatting to people (staff) at work. My own ability to make connections. My own freedom
New thing experienced: ????? WL at camtoll and working with AM that’s it
(new journal online)
thoughts be thoughting
I go over to g and n’s and i expect to feel a disconnect. but i feel warmth and comfort. i see how they live and i get a taste of it and i think wow. but then i just come back here. i’m so accustomed to reality of my own life, the inherent loneliness, that it sort of doesn’t even cross my mind to be jealous. factually i am, i guess. it must be nice. but i guess the existence i have is not too bad. and i’d far rather the existence i have now than force myself to chase a similar connection - one that isn’t really even possible, at this point in my circumstances at least.
my thoughts and feelings on M however remain the same. they are not really a person i enjoy, which is not their fault nor mine. avoidance especially with current circumstances is probably key.
moving to new connections should be good. it can be a long time finding them, and difficult, with no guarantees at all. but hopefully there’s people out there who would appreciate who I am.
believing that people genuinely like and care about me is something i’m working on too. I carry around an inherent sense of guilt and shame that im taking up other people’s space and time, that they only tolerate me and that I need to make up for it somehow.
maybe one day love will become easier to believe and accept, or feel like it’s earnt. j is a key model for the sort of unearned love that I want to come into my life more.
in a way I do have to start to be more selfish and put myself first so that I can have a good life too, as if I have a good life I will then be able to help others. it’s not selfish to have wishes and wants for myself, just me.
something I learnt today: the word P or something
story or memory from today: singing duet walking in a circle w A s. BIG SOUP minestrone
2 things I’m thankful for today: the roof over my head. being included in message from N.
something new i experienced today: new soup from can.
main goal in going abroad is to make more memories, experience more
I want to express myself & im not sure how