Diary of a Self-Destructing Bitch

wtf r u doin gtfo

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

Me, Myself and I.

I’ve worked so hard for the last three years to become the person that I am today and I love myself. I love who I am and what I do and how I do it. I love everything about this new me that is actually the real me, the deep-down me who has been trampled on and buried under insecurities for so long. I am strong and I am independent and I am so much more than enough.

I love you and it makes me needy and it makes me awkward and uncomfortable and it makes me regret things and think “why on earth did I think that that was an ok thing to say?”. And since I love myself so much and this version, the not-quite-hated-but-certainly-not-loved version of me, only comes out when I’m with you, I’m thinking, well, maybe I shouldn’t be with you all that much.

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

im in love with you and i know you know but i’ve never told you so i understand that this might seem like a big deal to you because so it’s to me but this isn’t gonna be some cheesy speech where i tell you how we’re perfect for each other and we should live happily ever after this is me telling you that you made your choice and you chose her and you’re miles from me living the life that you wanted and it’s not my fault that it’s not all you thought it’d turn out to be but the thing is you chose it and so i don’t think it’s fair that you get to do that and i’m just here waiting for you to come back hoping against hope that you’ll break up which makes me such a bad friend and i know you would never hurt me but you still are and i don’t blame you but sometimes it feels like i can’t be here anymore because i want all of me to be with all of you but you only want some pieces and if i give you pieces of me i’m afraid i won’t be able to give myself fully to someone else and it sucks because that is exactly what you’re doing and i would never hurt you either and i’m sorry if this is but i feel like it’s my god fucking given right to walk away from a situation that is making me so damn miserable so forgive me because i don’t know who to talk to and i don’t know what to do and i’m thinking that maybe just maybe i should post this for all the world to see where i know you’ll find it and end this because you and i are not gonna be together not now not ever and i think it’s cruel that you keep letting me holding on to that whether you do it on purpose or not

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

Pragmatics.

The funny thing about language is that, More often than not, What you say rarely matches what you mean. Like when I say "I'm in love with him" When I actually mean "it's been 2 years Since the last time I dreamed of someone Who wasn't him. And when I can't sleep, I count his lashes. And I've never woken up besides him But I'm still pretty sure I'd love it."

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

Keeping My Distance.

Just because I’m not texting you 24/7 doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you 24/7. I still love you, I do. I’m so afraid that you’ll come back for Christmas thinking I’ve gotten over you. As if.

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

You.

Thinking of you keeps me up at night. I am in love with you and it feels so right. I close my eyes and you're all I see and all I feel and all I want. I wish you could feel it too. I'll wait; I don't want to, but I will. Because getting over you doesn't seem like an option. Because watching a movie together won't make me love you more just like fucking some random won't make me love you less. There is no more room to fall. There is no forgetting you. There's just waiting. And I'm here now rambling and I know this isn't romantic or emotional, it's just messy. And I wish I could write poems about the way you run your fingers through your hair or the way my heart beats when you tap on the steering wheel. But I can't. So if it's all the same to you, I'll just stay over here waiting for you to read this and understand.

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

Of All The Ways That I Loved Him.

I loved him like it was wrong. With tears down my cheeks and sleep deprivation. With my hands shaking and my voice cracked and the why’s piling up inside me.

I loved him like it was a secret. With me hiding a truth that everyone already knew. With whispers and late night posts and I can’t take it anymore! screamed into the pillow.

I loved him like it wasn’t important. With lies straight to his face and fake nonchalance. With his girlfriend always in my mind so I wouldn’t forget again that it wasn’t me.

I loved him like he loved me too. With hope curling my toes when he put his arm aroung my waist and butterflies in my stomach when he looked at me and smiled. With a sense of belonging that was nothing but delusion.

I loved him like it was a tragedy. With my chance of telling him taken away from me and his rejection plastered all over my body. With goodbye’s over texts and suppressed I love you’s and I miss you but I shouldn’t and why can’t I tell you this?

I loved him like it was the only option that I had. And I guess, after all, that it really was.

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

Blame It (On Fairytales).

It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault, either. It’s just the way it is.

Well, maybe it is my fault. Maybe I had too much faith in soulmates. Maybe I held on too tight to the idea of us being together and didn’t even take your feelings into consideration. Maybe fate isn’t fucking coming to save me and I’m doomed to miss you every minute of every day for the rest of my sorry ass life. Maybe I should stop believing in the kind of bullshit that you’re taught when you’re nine years old and you’re watching Cinderella and Prince Fucking Charming tying the knot. Maybe I tied the knot around my own neck. 

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

On Why It Would Never Work.

31/08/15 1. You love her. This should be enough on its own, but it isn’t.

2. You don’t love me. Or so you say. It’s kind of hard to believe it when it looks like saying it hurts you too. Let me just say that whispering my name when I asked you to tell me that you didn’t love me wasn’t your most convincing performance.

3. I am a storm. I get angry and I get passionate and I have never known when to shut up. I don’t know how to pick my battles, so I fight them all. You are a sunny day; a smile and a hug when things get rough. I’ve never seen thunder when the sun is shining.

4. I’m not skinny. I’m never gonna be skinny and I’m okay with that. I’m not okay with being the exception to your type of girl. I can’t be with you thinking that you’d rather be with any poster girl I’ll ever pass on the street.

5. As much as I love hearing you talk about your hobbies, I’ll never understand. I don’t know about music and I don’t know about technology and, to be fair, you don’t care about language or pop culture. I’m scared that someday I’ll stop finding your rambling endearing.

6. You’re a cat person. I’m a dog person. I would give up dogs for you any day, but if I start making concessions, I’m never gonna convince myself that I have to get over you.

7. We have been through this. It seems like we keep falling in and out of love and the timing is never right. I’m terrified that we’re going to try again just for everything to come crashing down on us when it’s too late.

8. You have to live your life and I have to live mine. I am leaving for New York. Maybe not in two years, maybe not in ten years, but I am. I love you with every cell in my body and with every inch of my skin and with every fucking piece of whatever souls are made of, but I can’t let go of my dreams for you. And I can’t ask you to let go of yours and move across the world with me.

01/09/15 9. I hate when people creak their bones. And you do, god, you do. You’d creak your tongue if you could. Drive me up the fucking wall.

10. Someday I might need my best friend only to find out I don’t have him anymore. Relationships can be hard. I need you exactly as you are right now and I don’t know if I want to risk losing that.

11. I am a really social person. Mental issues and all, I like being around people and partying and just doing nothing with my friends. You like being at home too much. It’s not that I’m scared that you’ll make me stay home; I’m scared that you’ll feel forced to go out.

12. What if I’m making things up? What if I’m delusional and we don’t belong together? I don’t want to face a possible break-up with you. I can’t.

13. I’ve been reading some shitty internet articles and suddenly I think we’re a terrible idea. You are my best friend. That’s it. My best friend.

14. Sometimes it feels like I don’t even know you.

14/04/16 15. What if I’m right and you love me? How could you be such a coward? What if I’m wrong and you don’t love me? How could you play me like that?

16. It makes me wonder what kind of person you are if you can be in love with someone I despise so much. It makes me wonder what kind of person I am if I can be in love with that kind of guy.

17. Missing you is both the worst and the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had. Like I can’t breathe but I’m breathing. Like I can’t go on but there’s nowhere to go anyway. Like I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest and I feel like I’m hungry and there’s definitely something empty inside me but still I’m mostly okay. I don’t think that’s a good feeling. I’m not sure I want to feel it.

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

#JustSaying

I’m not saying your extra-fragile man-pride wasn’t involved, I’m just saying that it’s a bit weird that you got so upset over me desexualizing you -your words, not mine.

I’m just saying that I don’t understand why the thought of me not being into you in a sexual way drove you so crazy, you master of the politically correct, that you had to turn me on just to prove to yourself that you could do it. Which, by the way, was a pretty asshole-y move considering you didn’t follow through because you have a girlfriend that you love oh-so-much.

I’m just saying that there’s gotta be something behind it, that us not being sexual must bother you for a reason. Maybe it didn’t before, but now that you know that I’m in love with you, the possibility of us being involved must have popped into your head and I think you don’t want that possibility to go away even if you’re too fucking correct to admit it.

I’m just saying that I see the way you look at me, too, and that everytime you tell me you don’t love me, I believe you a little bit less.

[diaryofaselfdestructingbitch]

I used to write when I was younger.

I used to write a lot. I poured my heart and soul in every word, freeing every raw emotion, leaving me naked, exposed... I used to be good at it.

I used to be happy, too. I felt things. When I was younger, I loved with all my heart and hated with all my body and it was beautiful. I was me and I was mine. I decided where to go and what to do and life was full of posibilities. I used to want to live.

The thing about depression is that you are no longer yourself and your life doesn't seem so yours anymore. I barely remember what it was like to feel something other than misery. I have no will to live. It gets so hard to wake up in the morning when you know that your day is going to be the same uneventful shit that it was the day before. Everything around me moves so fast and I'm just standing still, watching people come and go -especially go-, doing nothing. I'm not dead, but I'm not alive either; I'm a survivor. I survive one day and another and another one after that, but that's it.

I wish I didn't know how the emptiness feels like. I wish I did.

The thing about depression is, why would I ever want to stop being depressed when depression is all I have?