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At 22, you’ll realize that most of things you have learned in your younger, freer years are all rubbish when it comes to dealing with life. Your drunk nights with friends were all fun and hype but it will not matter anymore when you are dealing with an attacked liver. Your sleepless crusades in the streets as you run wildly towards the sun rise will all be remembered with bitterness as the glow in your eyes hits the docking of your own sunset.

At 22, everything is truer and even much crueler. Much even more, 22 is a a deal breaker; fun breaker. The many nights of glory would not matter anymore when at 22 all your night will be spent alone.

(to be continued)

diaryofawimpyworker

What was I even thinking? treating 22 like I aged 40. I was not even half way through the things I want in life at 28 so how I was supposed to be so down and hopeless at 22. Perspective really do be changing whenever you hit a certain age.

I admit that it was sad how things turned out. How things ended up was not what I had hoped it would be. I admit the part of me that longs for distant past.

And suddenly she's reading again

Name it: Fantasy, documentary of a travel expedition, thriller, sci-fi, myth-ridden fiction, classics, and just whatnot - I read - all of it. Back in those days when smartphones were too expensive and the internet was not as "necessary", books were my oysters. I could sit all day rummaging through pages over pages of books without getting distracted. I was always inside another universe of characters that momentarily served as company. I couldn't count the days where books saved me from the long dread of summer...

Post-traumatic self is okay but not actually

Initially, I was going to babble about how Jam Villanueva had single-handedly ended the career of Anthony, her ex-boyfriend, and Maris Racal, the rising-to-fame actress of this generation. I initially thought of how foul it was of Jam to, without any remorse, give people free ammunition to slut-shame Maris and drag Anthony to the lowest of low. Disclaimer: I don't commend the actions that were taken against her by both Maris and Anthony, but I just find it hypocritical and altogether vengeful of Jam to release all of those receipts to the public knowing full well how it would immediately end the career of Anthony and most importantly, Maris. But I do understand the reason, I am not just a fan of the action. And so going straight to where I really want to put all of my energy into, today, something more important came to my attention. I stumbled on this podcast channel led by 3 of the most influential influencers and figures in today's Philippine cyberspace (at least the ones that I know of). And they were talking about gentle parenting. For the past few days, I have been seeing random videos of people on TikTok talking about their pink tote bag memories. Apparently, a girl uploaded a video relating her worst childhood experience with her parents to that of the pink tote bag incident. As for myself, my pink tote bag memory was my childhood as a whole. My relationship with my parents growing up wasn't the most ideal. It was emotionally manipulative, abusive, and just overall toxic. People would suppose I received all the attention that I needed because I had no one to compete with. And yes, in some aspects, I can tell that was the truth. But also, in reality, it was suffocating. It was controlling. It was unhealthy. And the worst of it all, I had to go through it alone.

Listening to this podcast and hearing how gentle parenting had led them to become better individuals makes me jealous. Particularly when the guy talked about how being raised in an environment where he was not undermined by his parents, where his voice was heard and respected just as equally important and valuable. It made me think of how my parents would always dismiss my opinion and were actually never there to give me a platform. When it's my fault it's my fault. When it's their fault it's my fault. It was always a one-way street and they always had the last word. Fast forward, I turned into an individual without the basic foundation of a confident being. I shied away from opportunities. I fell into a series of procrastination when it was too much, and I lacked the basic tools to present myself as a leader. In other words, I am so fucked up. [...]

I need to mull over these 9 questions before 2025

Do my current actions indicate that I will succeed? Am I my biggest enemy or fan? Am I doing this for my parents or for me? What excuses make it easier for me not to try as hard? Is it difficult or am I afraid to fail? Do I set goals because they matter to me, or because they look to others? Do I ask for help when I need it or, let pride hold me back? did I do what I said i would do? Why will next year be different?

Omen

Just a month before Lia died I dreamt of a huge snake swallowing her up. It was so disorienting it still haunts up to this day. And less than 2 weeks before I left home, 6 of my cats died from a fatal virus, one of which was Lia. This morning, I read from a book that we should take omens seriously as it always, always, signify something. As for me, omens are both signifiers of bad luck or the result of disorienting childhood. You see, I grew with a very superstitious father. I used to not be able to do a lot of things. He used his superstitions to suppress us and me. To undermine my own intelligence and dubbed it as a sign of rebellion to him. My father has a huge ego...and despite knowing too little about life as it is he would swear in his life his way of doing things is the best way or right of doing things. I used to have my voice muted by traditions and old and conventional way of doing things. As a result I grew up being sensitive to these things that signify harm to me. I grew up anxious and paranoid and almost on the verge of delusions--sometimes, even a little inconvenience can mean a lot to me. To be honest, I really do not know why I am yapping about these things at 6 am on fine Sunday. I really don't why a lot of things happen sometimes but I just feel like my life is an entire serious omen.

Here Comes November

I like to make a comment on my life, how is it going and how I am handling myself--presenting myself--if presenting means undermining yourself because you're too shy too unproud too insecure to be a presentable being. I like to comment on the things that have been happening in my life and to comment on the fact that it has been an amalgamation of first days, first tries, first attempts, but never was a first completion or an attained desire. I lack the passion. I lack obsession. I lack the fire that usually ignites a dreamer's soul. I lack...life. in so many ways I could imagine, I feel lacking. And now the end of the 2025th has yet to reach it's peak, I sat here in my new apartment, away from home, with someone I took the risk with. I ask myself what has become of me throughout these years of longing and seeking? I ask myself what it is that I want to become - that I need to be. Usually, I would end this with a sweeping declaration of going on this long journey of self-discovery and betterment. Usually, I would say in the next days or months, I will become my personal best. Usually I would make a daring promise that I will be better. But right now, I won't do that. I won't make a sweeping declaration or pledge to change my life. I won't hurry anymore and add more pressure to what I have been feeling these days. I won't add more lies to myself believing it will get better - because the only way to have it is by doing it. First, I need to work.

Random things I feel...

The past few days have been a constant worry to me. I always end up worrying about something, but never doing anything about it.

Today, I met an old friend from my childhood--Kaling. She was part of my integral years and has been a shaping force in my grade school years. Like I said, she was an old friend. During the course of my moving up to college, until eventually became an adult I lost and gained people in my life. But the majority of those days were me losing people. I can't keep ties. I failed to connect. And I am always unable to retain friendships among the people I share my stories with. But there are many of them like Kaling whom I was fond of growing up. Who I trusted and who I needed for the time being. There are more people in my past that I regret losing but also looking back it never really meant to last. I guess that's just the kind of person I am. | -------- I am on the verge of my 26th year and I still don't know where I am heading, I lost full control of my life and quite frankly I lost everything. ------- It feels like I have dedicated most of my life to living as another person but never truly me. I'm exhausted and I lost all balance and sometimes, I just want to plunge myself toward the inevitable.

I actually prayed for this, but i’m tired and no we are not giving up. I’d like to keep going.

GOLDEN RULE

The golden rule is to always show up for what you stand for and believe - despite how hard the situation is - show for yourself.

DAY 2/50

Starting anew is hard when there are too many things you need to accomplish and overcome. But I believe in the power of small wins. One day at a time, and I will completely turn my life 360 degrees.

I’M GOING TO LAUNCH PROJECT 50 ON JUNE

Being in your late 20s with poor mental health, health issues, anxiety issues, and time management issues is not good. It’s about time to launch a new self with a better version and the right tuning.

If I was being honest

To tell you frankly, I believe I’m a fraud and not the golden child my family thought me to be. There are too many lapses, too many inconsistencies, and a lot of errors I commit. I lack basic discipline, and I lack time management. I do not have enough focus to commit to my task - but everyone doesn’t know about it. Everyone believes that I’m the best one. No wonder why I can’t be myself. No wonder I feel so repressed and pressured I can’t breathe. But I also don’t want to become the person I am becoming, and I want to take control and drive my fate toward success. And I am doing it today. with speed, abundance, and endless determination.

I have loved you for all the wrong reasons.

metvmorqhoses

I would love to see people’s reactions to the fact that Tom Riddle is canonically hot

at this point it’s obvious we are now betrothed

he is hot not only because he’s as wickedly handsome as the devil, but especially because he has a really deep and complex nature that makes that luciferian beauty come alive. i think people’s general perception of his character to be quite biased because he’s become the epitome of the ugliest awfulness. i, on the other hand, tend to perceive him as milton’s satan - evil, complex, tormented, exceptional.

diaryofawimpyworker

There is some kind of beauty in evil

A Letter of the Self to Itself

It’s fascinating, to be honest. How the idea that both of us exist in a manner that is separated but whole. Basically speaking, we are one and bounded with each other. You are me as much as I am you and we both know that in the beginning that is the problem.

Your whole life becomes a parade of misfortunes and countless failures because you are me. It’s uncanny how the thought of you continues to plague my mind in such agonizing way that I feel a profound guilt whenever it occurs to me that somehow in these blurry lines - you exist. Fuck me, for fucking up your life.

To that, I am deeply sorry. I apologize for all the years that you have to endure in the shadow of my callous existence. I would have had hated myself if I were you and better yet get rid of myself entirely. But the fact that i’m still here means so much of your existence rather than mine. I am always the distructive one and I know, or at least I believe that you are always the one that keeps pulling me up. In a subtle way, just like how my hands tremble with fear every time I try to cut myself open.

I am always been appalled by how pain seems to be remotely placed away from me. Often times, I feel it but it doesn’t feel that it’s mine. There’s a sense of disconnection and also ownership that isn’t directed to me and so I thought, whenever I feel this kind of confusion that perhaps it was you. You’re the one that is suffering in all these years and I only just deal with the aftertaste of every pain I inflicted to you. I wonder how are you still alive?

We could have had just ended everything that night. We could have been both dead since then.

But why?

What do you want?

What keeps you going?

Tell me

Then maybe I will understand

Perhaps we could fight for it together.

Tell me, just tell me.

I don’t even feel that I love you enough to stick by your side, but in the weirdest way possible, I feel that you do.

I feel that you care for me.

and I hated you for that.

I hated that I have this tiny spark of life within me that continues to flicker lights however dim it is. I hate the fact that i’m still here and you are suffering. I don’t even understand why I feel like this. Or perhaps, I just don’t want the thought that i’m all alone at this.

Maybe I need you much as you need me to fight longer.

This is so fucked up, I know and i’m tired of it.

Can you at least lend me a hand and take over?

I’m tired.

fucking am.

Will you?

In less than a month, i'll have the chance to experience Van Gogh Alive in MNL with Shan. We planned it all a month ago, shortly after the news of VGA broke online. It wasn't much of a plan, if truth be told. It was one of those off-the-cuff decision you make when you were thinking less about the future. I was particularly sleepy although I remembered I just woke up when I agreed to Shan about the ticket purchase.

There's no backing out, that's what I told myself the moment I got the copy of our flight schedule. I was both frightened and excited towards the whole thing, but for of the days it's all fear that I am feeling. These days, even though I hate it. I become less of the person I was. I am becoming more of what I hate. I am afraid I can't stick up with the plan because things are inconsistent and cruel for me lately. Everything I planned for would easily be taken away by circumstances. I hate it but it keeps on happening.

And to be honest, I'm still not ready for our upcoming travel. But I'm trying, I've been trying.

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